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Women Can Be Batterers Too A Male Victim Speaks Out on Domestic
Violence By Buddy T In response to our series of articles about domestic violence and abuse, we received this
letter from a former victim, which sheds some
light on the dynamics of abuse. After reading the articles on domestic abuse, I am still uncertain about the role that alcohol played in
the years of violent outbursts I experienced in my
former marriage. One thing that I am sure of, violence and abuse are
not limited to men. My wife could be just as abusive
and violent as any male and her rage could explode
just as violently as anyone else, although she didn't
seem to fit the characteristics of a batterer that you mentioned. Perhaps alcohol was not the cause of the outbursts,
but it seemed to be at least a catalyst. I never once
saw her fly into a rage unless she had been drinking
first. It always started the same way -- with a few
drinks. Under "normal" circumstances, she was one of the
nicest and sweetest persons you ever met, with an
almost childlike wonderment and innocence about
the world. Those who never saw one of her violent
episodes would never believe that she was even
capable of such behavior. The puzzling thing about it, was she didn't have to
be "drunk" to fly into one of her rages. After just one
or two drinks, she would seem to totally change
personalities, which I know now is a symptom of alcoholism, but at the time, I was merely astounded by the sudden and drastic change. It Always Started with Alcohol After just one or two drinks, she would somehow
always hear something that was said the wrong way. I mean she would not hear the words that were actually said, but would misunderstand -- then take
it very personally and would become defensive. Whoever was present at the time would try to tell
her, "That's not what was said! He didn't say that!"
But it was no use, she was off on a tangent and
there was no stopping her. If there were other people
around -- the children or visiting friends -- they would
all try to explain that she had simply misunderstood what was actually said. It never worked. Of course then, we were accused of "ganging up on
her" and that would increase her anger until it finally
exploded. It would begin with a barrage of verbal
abuse, aimed at anyone she felt had betrayed her. If
anyone dared to verbally defend themselves against
the barrage, or even worse launch a verbal counter- attack, the rage escalated rapidly. The remarkable thing was the physical change in
her appearance. She would get this expression on
her face -- my daughter called it her "demon face" --
that did not look like the same person. It was as if
another person had taken over the mind and body of
the woman we all knew and loved. Violent Explosion The rage would soon explode into violence. She
would throw things and break things. But usually
she would pick up whatever was handy and use it
as a weapon, trying to hit me over the head or
anywhere else convenient. I guess the worse it got
was when she grabbed one of her high-heeled shoes and inflicted several blows before I could physically
restrain her. Fortunately, I was physically able to defend myself
-- the children were not so fortunate if the attacks
were aimed at them. But if I did anything
whatsoever to physically restrain her, then all of a
sudden I was abusing her! She would run to her
parents or friends complaining that SHE had been physically abused! Of course, if they had never seen anything but the
sweet, innocent side of her, it was difficult for them
to believe that she had provoked any physical
contact with her violent outburst. Therefore I was
not only the victim of her abuse, but also victim of her false accusations. I believe now there were probably deep-seated mental disorders which were the "cause" of her behavior, but the alcohol was always the catalyst
that touched off the episodes. They never occurred
when she was not drinking. I left the marriage years ago and found support and
help in Al-Anon Family Groups. But I spent years and years seemingly locked in a cycle of abuse and
violence over which neither I nor she apparently had
any control.