Steps to overcoming grief by Rebecca Mallory

The loss of a loved one is never easy. It matters
not that it was inevitable or expected, whether it
was a complete surprise, an accident or
intentional. Dealing with the range of emotions
that come in the aftermath of the death of a loved
one can be one of the most difficult trials of your life. It can be done though. Below, I have outlined
ten basic steps to overcoming grief. My hope and
prayer is that through my experience with loss, I
might be able to help someone else.
1. Let yourself grieve. When someone we loves passes away we are immediately faced with a
large 'to-do list'. Arrangements have to be made,
flowers ordered, etc. The expense and stress of
dealing with the busyness of planning the funeral
and dealing with friends and family can overtake
our thoughts and actions so much so that we ignore our need to simply grieve. Reflecting on
our individual personal loss is necessary for our
own growth and healing. A lot of the time our
mental state just goes on 'automatic' during this
time period. Sometimes we are literally in shock
and our auto pilot takes over and does what needs to be done. If you have a good support
system of family and friends, consider allowing
them to take care of the details so that you
personally can cry or scream or do whatever you
need to do in the immediate aftermath of a loss. 2. Understand your not alone in your grief. This person that passed away, you may feel that
you were the closest one to them, that no one
else may feel as you do. Whether they were a
parent, a spouse, a child, a sibling, a friend or
other relative, rest assured that you were probably
not the only person that loved them or that will miss them. That is evident by the friends and
family surrounding you. They lost someone too.
You are not alone. Don't be afraid to lean on each
other and support each other through this difficult
time. 3. Do not hold it all in. This is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for
others that are grieving. Talk to each other, laugh
and cry and share memories. If you aren't
comfortable revealing your feelings to family and
friends consider speaking with a grief counselor.
A counselor can be a great outlet for your feelings because they are not emotionally involved in your
life or your loss. There is no judgment or
expectation from them. They can be objective
and can offer some great suggestions on how to
cope with your feelings. 4. Understand that not everyone expresses their grief the same way. Some people become hysterical and scream and cry. Some shut it
down and close it in. Some do what needs to be
done and remain outwardly strong while internally,
they are falling apart. Some resort to destructive
behaviors such as drinking or drugs or just plain
recklessness. A lot of different people handle things in different ways. That is okay, there is no
right way to handle grief and there is no
designated time frame for grieving. Some people
may seem back to 'normal' after a few weeks or a
month or two. For others it may take longer, even
years. Be comforted by the fact that it will eventually get easier, your pain will eventually
subside. You may not ever completely 'get over
it', but you will be able to function and move on
eventually. 5. Do not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Death is devastating and the death of a loved one
can seem unbearable. Often we are plagued by
feelings of guilt and anger or fear and resentment.
This overwhelming sense of loss and the sadness
that accompanies it can lead to depression if it is
not addressed. Consider attending a support group or grief counseling group. This will help you
identify what your feeling, why your feeling it and
how to cope with it. It will also help you realize
that other people out there have gone through
what your going through and have come out the
other side. Talk with your friends and family. Together you can help each other and overcome
your grief. Rely on a source of strength for you. It
may be spiritual or physical, but seek it out and
let it be the rock you can lean on. 6. Immerse yourself in something you enjoy. The vast majority, while grieving will tend to stop
activities in their lives that bring joy because
finding that joy will sometimes evoke thoughts of
guilt or association with the loved one your
grieving for. But one very effective coping
mechanism is to keep busy and focused on something else rather than dwelling on your loss.
Pick up an old hobby or start a new one. Go back
to work, do something normal. You may be
surprised at how much refocusing can improve
your overall outlook and attitude in life. 7. Do not use your grief as an excuse for your bad behavior. In most cases, the person you loved that has passed away would have wanted
you to be happy and successful. If you are using
your grief as an excuse to do poorly at work, to
treat your family with disrespect, to harm yourself
through reckless behavior-stop it right now. You
are not helping yourself or your family. They are already dealing with a loss of their own, why
would you want to add stress and worry to them
for yourself? In essence you are punishing
yourself and for what? Would the person your
grieving want you to behave this way? Wouldn't
you rather make them proud? 8. Honor the one you have lost. This can be a difficult task especially if you are still deep in your
grief. Once your feelings have eased a little,
consider doing something in honor of the person
you have lost. Write a poem or song, dedicate a
tree or plant a garden in their memory. Name a
star for them. There are a ton of ideas out there. My mother-in-law was a great cook, so I took a lot
of her recipes and assembled them in a cookbook
with pictures of her throughout and had it copied
so I could give one to every family member.
Visiting a place they always wanted to go and
leaving a memento in their memory is another idea. Whatever feels right to you, do something
that they would have enjoyed. There is joy in
accomplishing this sort of thing and it can also
serve as a powerful method of closure. 9. Take one day at a time. I know from personal experience, that the method of dealing with things
one at a time or one day at a time is an effective
way to cope with whatever we might be going
through. Take a deep breath and concentrate on
getting through the day-today. Deal with tomorrow
tomorrow. For now, just focus on getting through the next 24 hours. Even one hour at a time if you
have to at first is okay. One day at a time, one
step at a time, one thing at a time. Breath in and
breath out. It will be okay. You will be okay. 10. Do not loose hope. One of the most devastating effects of grief and depression is a
feeling of hopelessness. Hopelessness can
encompass feeling as if you could have done
more, you should be doing more, you'll never
laugh again, things will never be the same again
or any number of like thoughts. But that simply doesn't have to be true. There is a light at the end
of the tunnel. It may take some time to reach it or
for it to reach you, but it is there. Continue
towards it. If you can not see it at the moment,
rest assured that it is out there. Look for it, seek
it out. Ask someone to help you find it. Turn back to that source of strength-whether for you that is
God or yoga or spending time with your family,
whatever it may be. Use the resources before you
to reach a better place. You can do this, I know you can. I believe in you
and I don't even know you. Want to know why?
Because your reading this article and that in and
of itself proves you are looking for a way to
overcome. So, remember-chin up and I'll see you
on the other side!