My husband wants to control everything I do

My marriage is just two months old; but my
husband and I are having the kind of
problem that makes me very dizzy each
time I think about it.
The painful thing is that I didn ’ t in anyway
envisage this kind of problem in our lives. I
just assumed that what I grew up knowing
is the right thing . I grew up to the
knowledge of my parents sharing a
bedroom while he grew in a home where
both parents had their different rooms but
kept one account .
We are both members of the same church ;
our parents became friends as a result of
their working relationships; they are both
pastors hence arranged for my husband and
I to marry.
We only courted for four months before our
parents arranged our wedding ceremony .
We had very little to say to each other
during the courtship because we had people
monitoring what we did or said .
I honestly thought it would be easy given
the disposition of my mother to whatever
her husband says. But finding myself in a
marriage where my husband wants
everything his way , isn ’ t working for me.
I ’ m just 24 years of age . What would I be
doing in a room all by myself when I ’ m
supposed to be married ? Even though I
grew up in very strict Christian home , I ’ m
exposed enough to know what I want in my
marriage . There are things my mother is
enduring that I won ’ t accommodate in my
marriage . I want to be my husband’ s friend ;
not a kind of slave that waits on her
husband without asking one single
question.
On the other hand, my husband wants that
kind of wife . Apart from not wanting to
share a room with me; he gave me a time
table of what to cook . Initially I didn ’ t kick
against it but when I visited his parents and
the father asked if I got the time -table he
sent to me; it dawned on me that his father
sent it.
His father did not stop at asking me how
much I earn, he even went ahead to lecture
me on how a good woman submits her
everything to her husband. Right in my
presence , he outlined how my salary should
be spent; how much was to come to me
and how I should even spend that.
That is the challenge I ’ m having as my
husband wants to control everything I do .
He wants to buy my clothes and make the
decision on the kind of hairstyle I make .
The truth is , I cannot give him my salary. I
don’ t know how much he earns so why
should I give him my salary under the guise
of us keeping a joint account ? Surely the
Bible doesn ’ t instruct women to become
slaves in their own homes just to please
their husbands ?
My mother has a shop and decides what to
do with her money. Even though she has
her assigned financial responsibility in the
home, she still gets to keep her money .
The argument of my husband against us
keeping a room has to do with his desire to
pray always. He says I would be a
distraction to him if we both stay together
in a room.
Since marrying him ; we only make love
when he feels like it and never when I want
it. One of the occasions I demanded for it,
he told me in very clear language that it
was improper for me to make such
demands and went ahead to lecture me on
the need for self -control ending it as the
reason he is against a man and woman
sharing the same bedroom.
I can ’ t talk to my mother because we don ’ t
have that kind of relationship. You are the
only one I can talk to. Please help me.
Laitan .
Dear Laitan ,
Marriage is about patience , understanding
and tolerance. There is nothing to be
gained by insisting on doing things your
own way or his way . Both of you must find
that point of equilibrium if you hope to stay
together forever . Marriage is a journey of
selflessness and compromises .
You must appreciate that marriage is a
journey of no return . You are married and
will never be welcomed back into your
home.
That man you are married to is now your
new family ; whether you like it or not ; those
things you grew up knowing have to give
way to what he wants. But this is not to say
that all his points are right; no far from it.
However, your success at having your way
with him would depend on how you handle
this crisis . If you keep insisting that you
want things done the way your parents are
doing it, it won ’ t work because this is your
marriage and not that of your parents . They
made their choice; you made your
decisions.
Whatever made you drop your maiden name
for his ’ , must also make you fight to keep
your new name and family with all the
passion needed to have a successful home .
He has said, he doesn ’ t want to share a
room with you. Whether you like it or not ,
for now don ’ t fight it. Unlike you who have
no right to insist on certain things you grew
up knowing; he has the right to insist .
Granted it appears unfair ; but you cannot
change the ordinance of God? If He wanted
women to be in charge , the men would
have been the ones dropping their family
names for ours .
Being stubborn has never won any marital
battle for any woman . The more you insist
on a particular thing , the more determined
the man becomes to assert his authority .
The only way you can win is by stooping to
conquer . Be humble in your fight and apply
wisdom . He has never had the opportunity
of seeing his parents share a bedroom. It is
up to you to show him the advantage of
waking up on the same bed with your
partner every morning and going to the
same bed with the same person every
night . The night he spends in your room or
you in his room ; when he gets up to pray;
kneel by his side and say amen to his
prayers. End it by asking God to make your
home a very happy one and to bless your
husband.
Rather than be a distraction to his prayers ,
encourage him and be his ally whenever
you are in the room together. If he
discovers you are actually a blessing to him
whenever he shares your bed; he would
want more of you in every area of his life .
Apart from sex, ask him about his job and
think of ways you can help him improve on
it. If you don’ t know, take interest by going
through the internet for helpful hints you
can share in the bedroom with him at night .
At first it might be like dropping water in an
ocean but , if you are patient and prayerful,
you will begin to experience changes .
As for the list he brought back from his
parents; keep it. Pretend it is no big deal
but find ways around it through his favorite
food. He must have that food he likes
eating everyday if possible . Find out and
become an expert at cooking it . Add a new
dimension by going the extra mile at
turning meal times to interesting feasts.
Introduce home fresh juice ; apart from the
fruits , get yourself a good food processor or
juicer. Ensure he comes home to different
kinds of juice every day . By giving him
something different to look forward to
everyday, you make him forget the so called
list without even arguing it with him .
You are his queen and wife . Refusing to
allow that tiny piece of paper affect the
relationship between you and him, you get
to keep his heart forever. He would even
defend you whenever his father brings up
the subject after- all , they don’ t live with
you.
As for the issue of joint account , it is also
something you can change without fighting
him at all . Find a way of agreeing to put a
specific amount of money into the account
every month. What he wants is information
of how much you earn; let him have it along
with how you spend your salary every
month. For instance, he must know your
financial obligations to your family and the
reason you cannot stop it as it would affect
his image should you stop helping your
family .
By telling him what you can comfortably
give him at the end of every month, you
make light whatever issue he plans to raise
against you on the issue of having a joint
account . The advantage is that, he would
not expect you to spend additional money
outside the agreed sum you give which
means he has to make up if there is a
shortfall in your budget for the month unlike
when you have to keep subsidizing after he
gives you the feeding allowances for the
month.
As for sex; the secret password is dressing
it. Your Christian background
notwithstanding, you have needs like every
other couple . Go for nightgowns that
scream sexy to ignite his mood . By then ,
you won ’ t be the one asking for it ; he
would be the one all over you. It is a simple
matter of knowing how to use your God
given wisdom to manipulate him to
succumb to your wishes.
Honestly , there is nothing new in what is
happening in your home . At one time or the
other , every woman goes through such
issues. The trick is never to fight, give
yourselves time to get used to each other
and have faith in the God that brought both
of you together. His parents or yours are
secondary issues once you are able to iron
out your personal differences.