three years . He finally proposed to me in
January. I was overjoyed because our
relationship apart from dragging was
characterised by every imaginable
challenge. Apart from my attitude to sex
which can best be described as cold , he
was also very impatient and had so many
ladies contending for his attention .
The first time he tried to make love to me I
practically went cold on him because of the
very bad experience I had four years before
I met him. I was raped in my hostel by the
one man I trusted the most – my boyfriend
at the time.
I was still a virgin and told him I won ’ t
allow him until we got married . On the day
it happened , he came to the hostel just as
I started dressing . I was the only one in the
room but because I thought he could be
trusted I continued with my dressing.
Before I knew what he had in mind, he
pinned me to the bed, removed my very
limited clothing , it was very easy for him to
have his way . The worst were the things he
said to me afterwards . He jeered and said ,
you think you are so special because of
that useless thing called virginity . I have
gotten what I set out to have ; I don ’ t need
you again . He didn ’ t stop there ; he must
have told his friends who made life very
difficult for me whenever they see me .
Being new, I had nobody to turn to . They
were in their final year .
I had to tell my mother what happened .
She promptly changed my school but that
didn’ t stop the ache and mistrust for men
in my heart .
Until I graduated, I kept away from men .
My boyfriend came at the time I was ready
to love again .
Even at that , those initial years weren ’ t
easy as our different experiences almost
swallowed up the relationship .
However, we stabilised after I told him the
story of my past . From that point he
became sympathetic and patient with me .
I had almost forgotten the rape experience
when the man who did the damage to me
appeared again into my life as the
immediate elder brother to my fiancé. He
pretended not to recognise me when the
introductions were made . But he called me
later to plead with me not to tell my
boyfriend because it would cause them to
fight. I didn ’ t respond to him at all : instead
I disconnected the line .
Observing how my boyfriend behaved
towards him prompted me to ask him
probing questions regarding his relationship
with his elder brother.
Although he didn’ t want to but he
eventually told me that his brother once
raped the girl he first brought home as his
girlfriend.
I almost told him of what he did to me but
ended up not saying anything . This is why
I want your help . My fear is that if my
fiancé finds out that his brother was the
man I told him raped me , it would really
affect their relationship .
I don’ t want to be the reason for any more
bad blood between the two brothers . I
don’ t want his family to think I have come
to create more problems between the two
brothers . Please help me .
Aisha.
Dear Aisha,
Have you also considered what would
happen to your relationship with your
boyfriend if he finds out that you kept such
useful information from him ? Don’ t you
think he would think you deliberately kept it
because you enjoyed what his brother did
to you even though it was against your will
and that you may want the opportunity to
continue with him?
What if his brother turns around to use that
incident to blackmail you later in life? For a
person with such a track record, you cannot
afford to be so trusting of him or give him
the chance to use anything against you. The
truth is , if you don ’ t tell your boyfriend, he
could easily rape you again as he would
use his relationship with your boyfriend to
get close enough to you to hurt you all over
again .
By then, nothing you say would make sense
to your man or any other member of the
family . The natural questions would be why
didn’ t you say anything about the incident
when you first met him ? Why did you allow
him to pretend he was meeting you for the
first time?
Even though you allowed an opportunity to
open up to your boyfriend about the identity
of your attacker slip by , it isn ’ t late to open
up to your man. Tell him the shock of
meeting your attacker and getting to know
of his relationship to him made you so
confused on how to handle the situation .
He would understand if you explain your
bewilderment to him. Don ’ t feel guilty
about marring their relationship ; from what
your boyfriend told you and his behaviour
towards his elder brother , they don’ t even
have a relationship beyond the biological
connection of being brothers .
To aid him in concealing his violation of
your body is to help him in continuing with
this crime . Such a man needs to be
exposed to protect other unsuspecting
females from being attacked by him .
It will also help your boyfriend to know how
to protect you from him by either moving
away far from him or preventing him from
gaining access into his home .
Your violation isn ’ t just a one off thing .
From the story his brother told you about
him, it has become habitual . When a man
rapes two women at different times, he has
become a serial rapist. Such men don ’ t
change over night because your case and
that of your fiancé’ s ex are just the known
ones ; there could be several women out
there he has also abused sexually .
Some men actually get their pleasures from
seeing women hurt and pleading with them
for mercy . If this is the case, no female is
safe from him; not even his sisters .
This is why you must speak out so that his
parents can seek help ; he obviously needs
to beat this habit. This isn ’ t causing trouble
but helping them , the family to realise the
gravity of his sickness .
In situations like this, it is always easy for
family members to delude themselves that
what happened was just an isolated one
hence doesn ’ t make the person involved
sick. But hearing that he also attacked you
will make them face the situation with all
the seriousness it deserves.
Don’ t worry about the reactions of the
family ; just give the information to your
fiancé. Leave the decision of what he does
with the information to him . From that
point , you are no longer liable for
concealing information from him.
Well , naturally the family may want to
protect their own and put the blame on you;
it is the easiest option for a family
determined to keep family secrets safe but
that will not stop the matter from getting to
a boiling point since he is likely to do it to
a lady who will make a huge problem out of
it.
And if your fear is ; will the family allow
your wedding to their son go ahead ? Don’ t
worry. If God has sanctioned it, nobody can
stop it.
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