When addressing a conflict with a colleague,
the words matter. Sometimes, regardless of
how good your intentions are, what you say
can further upset your coworker and just make
the issue worse. Other times you might say the
exact thing that helps the person go from
boiling mad to cool as a cucumber.
So, when things start to heat up with a
colleague — you don’t see eye-to-eye on a
project or you aren’t happy with the way you
were treated in a meeting, for example — how
can you choose your words carefully? To help
answer this question, I talked with Linda Hill,
the Wallace Brett Donham Professor of
Business Administration at Harvard Business
School and faculty chair of the Leadership
Initiative. She is also the co-author
of Collective Genius: The Art and Practice of
Leading Innovation and Being the Boss: The 3
Imperatives for Becoming a Great Leader .
Hill explained that the words we use in
confrontations can get us into trouble for three
reasons:
First, the stakes are usually high when
emotions are. “With conflict, there are typically
negative emotions involved, and most of us
aren’t comfortable with those kinds of feelings,”
she says. Our discomfort can make us fumble
over our words or say things we don’t mean.
The second reason that we often say the wrong
thing is because our first instincts are usually
off. In fact, it’s often the words we lead with
that get us into so much trouble. “That’s
because too often we end up framing the issue
as who’s right or who’s wrong,” she says.
Instead of trying to understand what’s really
happening in a disagreement, we advocate for
our position. Hill admits that it’s normal to be
defensive and even to blame the other person,
but saying “You’re wrong” or “Let me tell you
how I’m right” will make matters worse. “We’re
often building a case for why we’re right. Let
that go and focus on trying to resolve the
conflict,” she says.
Third, there’s often misalignment between what
we mean when we say something and what the
other person hears. “It doesn’t matter if your
intent is honorable if your impact is not,” Hill
says. Most people are very aware of what they
meant to say but are less tuned into what the
other person heard or how they interpreted it.
So how do you avoid these traps? Hill says it’s
not always easy but by following a few rules of
thumb, you’ll have a better chance of resolving
the conflict instead of inciting it:
Say nothing. “If the emotional level is high,
your first task is to take some of the emotion
out,” she says. “Often that means sitting back
and letting someone vent.”
The trouble is, Hill says, that we often stop
people before they’ve gotten enough of the
emotion out. “Hold back and let them say their
piece. You don’t have to agree with it, but
listen,” she says. While you’re doing this, you
might be completely quiet or you might
indicate you’re listening by using phrases like,
“I get that” or “I understand.” Avoid saying
anything that assigns feeling or blame, like
“Calm down” or “What you need to understand
is.” If you can do this effectively, without
judging, you’ll soon be able to have a
productive conversation.
Ask questions. Hill says that it’s better to ask
questions than make statements. Instead of
thinking about what you want to say, consider
what you want to learn. This will help you get
to the root cause of the conflict and set you up
to resolve it. You can ask questions like, “Why
did that upset you?” or “How are you seeing
this situation?” Use phrases that make you
appear more receptive to a genuine dialogue.
Once you’ve heard the other person’s
perspective, Hill suggests you paraphrase and
ask, “I think you said X, did I get that right?”
Own your part. Don’t act like there is only one
view of the problem at hand. “You need to own
your perception. Start sentences with ‘I’ not
‘you,’” Hill says. This will help the other person
see your perspective and understand that
you’re not trying to blame them for the
problem. Instead of saying “You must be
uncomfortable”, try “I’m feeling pretty
uncomfortable.” Don’t attribute emotions to
other people. That just makes them mad.
So, how do you choose the right words to use
in a conflict? Of course, every situation is
different and what you say will depend on the
content of what you’re discussing, your
relationship with the other person, and the
culture of your organization, but these
suggestions may help you get started:
Scenario #1: You have a criticism or dissent to
offer. Perhaps you disagree with the popular
perspective or perhaps you’re talking to
someone more powerful than you.
Hill suggests you get to the underlying reason
for the initiative, policy, or approach that you’re
disagreeing with. Figure out why the person
thinks this is a reasonable proposal. You can
say something like, “Sam, I want to understand
what we’re trying to accomplish with this
initiative. Can you go back and explain the
reasoning behind it?” or “What are we trying to
get done here?” Get Sam to talk more about
what he’s up to and why. Then you can present
a few options for how to accomplish the same
goal using a different approach: “If I understand
you correctly, you’re trying to accomplish x, y,
and z. I’m wondering if there’s a different way
to approach this. Perhaps we can…”
In a situation like this, you also want to
consider the venue. “You may be able to have
a more candid discussion with someone if it’s
one-on-one meeting rather than in front of a
group,” she says.
Scenario #2: You have bad news to deliver to
your boss or another coworker. You missed a
deadline, made a mistake, or otherwise screwed
up.
Hills says the best approach here is to get to
the point: “I have some news to share that I’m
not proud of. I should’ve told you sooner, but
here’s where we are.” Then describe the
situation. If you have a few solutions, offer
them up: “These are my ideas about how we
might address this. What are your thoughts?”
It’s important to own up that you made a
mistake and not try to point out all the reasons
you did what you did.
Scenario #3: You approach a coworker about
something he or she messed up.
Here you don’t want to launch in right away,
Hill says, but ask permission to speak to the
person about what happened: “Mary, can I have
a moment to talk to you about something?”
Then describe what happened. You can say:
“I’m a little confused about what occurred and
why it occurred. I want to discuss it with you to
see how we can move this forward.” Use
phrases like “I understand that X happened…”
so that if Mary sees the situation differently,
she can disagree with your perspective. But
don’t harp too long on what happened. Focus
on figuring out a solution by engaging her with
something like: “What can we do about this?”
Scenario #4: You approach a colleague about
feeling mistreated or you’re upset about
something he or she said.
Hill points out that this is a good place to talk
about the difference in intent versus impact.
After all, you don’t know what your coworker’s
intent was; you only know that you’re upset.
You can start off with something like: “Carl, It’s
a little bit awkward for me to approach you
about this, but I heard that you said X. I don’t
know whether it’s true or not. Regardless, I
thought I should come to you because I’m
pretty upset and I thought we should talk about
it.” The focus shouldn’t be on blaming the
person but airing your feelings and trying to get
to a resolution: “I want to understand what
happened so that we can have a conversation
about it.”
If Carl gets defensive, you can point out that
you aren’t questioning his intent. “I’m not
talking about what you intended. I thought it
was better to clear the air, rather than stewing
about it. Would you agree?”
Scenario #5: A colleague yells at you because
of something you said or did.
This is where you might stay quiet at first and
let them vent. People usually run out of steam
pretty quickly if you don’t reciprocate. Keep in
mind though, Hill says, that you never deserve
to be yelled at. You might say: “I realize that
I’ve done something to upset you. I don’t
respond well to being yelled at. Can we sit
down when I can be better prepared to have a
conversation about this?”
Scenario #6: You’re managing someone who
engages in conflict regularly and is annoying or
upsetting the other people on your team.
Sometimes you have a hothead on your team
— someone who seems to even enjoy conflict.
Of course disagreements aren’t always a bad
thing, but you need to help the person explore
how he might be damaging his reputation and
relationships. You can try something like: “I
like having you around because from where I
sit, you raise important issues and feel strongly
about them. I also know you’re well-
intentioned. I’d like to talk you about whether
you’re having the impact you want to have.”
Get him to think through the consequences of
his regular battles.
Of course, even if you follow this advice,
sometimes there just aren’t the right words and
it’s not possible to have a constructive
discussion. “Occasionally, you need to let it go
and come back to it another time when you can
both have the conversation,” says Hill. It’s OK
to walk away and return to the discussion later,
when you’re ready to make a smart and
thoughtful choice about the words you want to
use.
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