I ’ m 42 and very lucky to have gotten a man
who married me last year . His first wife
died about three years ago in an accident.
He is 55 and has two children who are
undergraduates.
I have lived a very careless life but meeting
him changed so many things about my
attitude to life.
Although I still have some of my old friends
but I ’ m careful since I got married of what I
discuss with so many of them who
ironically are married.
This is because most of my friends treat
their husbands in ways I don ’ t like . Apart
from cheating on their husbands to earn
promotion or as prove of their financial
autonomy , many of them also use charms
to turn their husbands ’ attention away from
their atrocities.
Because I also did in the past , using such
charms to arrest the attention of the men I
dated; lure them away from their homes at
ungodly hours of the night , get them to
spend stupendously on me, I know what so
many women out there are doing to men.
I did a rethink when these charms could not
make any of them men marry me. The more
I tried , the more disappointed I got which
eventually made me to confess my sins and
change my ways .
It was at that point , I met my husband who
is such a wonderful and understanding
man.
But , something happened about three
weeks ago that is making me apprehensive .
To be truthful , I have never lived with any
woman who has been supportive of her
husband. My mother walked out on my
father because he didn’ t have the kind of
money she wanted to live large . None of my
aunties is a first wife . They have multiple
husbands .
The kinds of friends I have are also not the
kind whose lives I want to emulate any
longer .
Although, my husband has severally
complained about my attitude to cooking
and house keeping , what he said last week
really got me worried . He said apart from
sex, there was nothing to make him aware
he has a woman in the house ; that his food
is still being cooked by the house - help and
the house is still being taken care of by the
paid help .
I didn’ t realize that his underwears were all
dirty . The house help went to see her ailing
mother and had to stay an extra week
because she couldn’ t leave her mother in
the condition she met her .
Usually she scouts for his dirty clothes and
wash them. Since I had never done such ; I
didn’ t realize he had exhausted all his
underwears until that day . I felt bad when
he asked of what use a woman is to a man
who doesn ’ t know how to care for her
husband.
If I hadn’ t made her cook stew and soups
for a month before she left , he would also
have known I can ’ t cook .
Agatha , please help me. I really want to be
a good woman and wife to him . I just don’ t
know where to begin or how to go about it
especially as I have a career to manage . I
don’ t have the time to work and still care
for the home.
Also, how do I get pregnant before it is too
late ? In truth he is not complaining but , I
don’ t want him to, before I get pregnant .
Please help me because I have come to
love him very much. If I confide in my
mother or friends, I know what they would
tell me to do and I sincerely don’ t want to
even consider their option of using charm
to turn blind eyes to my weakness . I want
to change also for me.
Tolani
Dear Tolani ,
There is no greater teacher like experience.
Having lived on the two sides of life , you
should by now know which side benefits
you the most .
Also, at your age , you should have since
realized that nothing in life can be achieved
without one form of sacrifice. Your former
life required you to part with money to
charm men to do your bidding ; it was a
kind of sacrifice you willing made to keep
you happy in that world.
Having made up your mind to change your
ways positively, you also have to keep
making so many kinds of sacrifices to keep
you happy in your new life .
One of such sacrifice is making a choice of
what makes you happy the most; your
home or career ? The life of a woman is in
being able to balance all the roles she is
expected to play in the life. Apart from being
a career woman , you now have a home and
husband to care for . At 42, you are in a
position to know what works for you the
most .
To grow a home isn ’ t a day ’ s job; it
requires a lot of patience , willingness to
adapt, honesty and a combination of
prayers and the right attitude to make the
home work smoothly .
No matter how busy a woman gets outside
her home ; her presence must be felt in the
house when she is either at home or out by
those who live with her . If after a year , the
only thing that makes your husband know
he has a woman in his house , is the
regular sex; then he might as well pay a
woman to supply him with that .
Sincerely, the house help has no business
cooking his meals or washing his
underwears . That is strictly within your
jurisdiction. Don’ t forget that the house -
help has always performed these duties for
him. If he were satisfied with that , do you
think he would have had a need for you in
his life ?
The truth is , even if you don ’ t do it as good
as the house - help the fact that you are
even trying would give him confidence and
peace in his decision to have you in his life.
What this man is demanding from you is to
try to justify his need of you in his life . Your
presence is not just to keep his bed warm;
it is also to make him relax and enjoy the
comfort only a wife gives to a man.
If he is still eating the food of his house -
help a year after he married you; then he
really doesn ’ t have any use of you in his
life. Whether you realize it or not ; he knows
you are not the one cooking his meals
because he is accustomed to the taste of
his house -help ’ s cooking . He is getting
impatience because you are not even
making any attempt to please him as a
husband.
Another mistake you are making which
unfortunately you don’ t realize and which
may become your undoing isn ’ t the fact
that you don ’ t have a child for him but,
your inability to water down the memory of
his late wife from his sub- consciousness .
He married you to give himself a reason to
live; to enjoy matrimony and to forget the
pains he feels anything he remembers her .
This is the void he has brought you to fill in
his life . That you haven ’ t given him any
reason to be happy as a man would make
him go back to a time another woman
looked after him , cooked his meals , took
interest in his personal needs and hygiene .
If you don’ t buckle up; you would soon give
him all the reasons to be constantly
comparing you with his late wife ; when that
happens , you can bet he would end the
marriage as soon as he finds another
woman who knows how to be a wife .
Once the house - help comes back , ask her
to teach you how to cook . If that would be
difficult for you to do; pay someone to
come to your house to teach you.
It is better you are mocked now by one
person than have the whole world laugh at
your inability to sustain your marriage .
Unlike cooking , you don’ t need anybody to
teach you how to wash clothes . Thank
goodness washing machines are not the
luxury they were decades ago. Invest in
buying one to enable you wash his clothes
on demand. It would go a long way in
making him happy .
No matter how busy a woman gets ; once
she makes up her mind on something ,
there is no stopping her . You can still
create time for your home out of your busy
schedule if you want to. It is a matter of you
knowing what you want the most in life .
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