Young MH17
victim had eerie
premonition
In a bedroom in a townhouse near
Amsterdam, Miguel Panduwinata
reached out for his mother. “Mama,
may I hug you?”
Samira Calehr wrapped her arms
around her 11-year-old son, who’d
been oddly agitated for days,
peppering her with questions about
death, about his soul, about God. The
next morning, she would drop Miguel
and his big brother Shaka at the
airport so they could catch Malaysia
Airlines Flight MH17, the first leg of
their journey to Bali to visit their
grandmother.
Her normally cheerful, well-traveled
boy should have been excited. His
silver suitcase sat in the living room,
ready to go. Jetskiing and surfing in
paradise awaited. But something was
off. A day earlier, while playing
soccer, Miguel had burst out: “How
would you choose to die? What would
happen to my body if I was buried?
Would I not feel anything because our
souls go back to God?”
And now, the night before his big trip,
Miguel refused to release his mother
from his grasp.
He’s just going to miss me, Calehr told
herself. So she stretched out beside
him and held him all night.
It was 11 p.m. on Wednesday, July 16.
Miguel, Shaka and the 296 other
people aboard Flight MH17 had
around 15 hours left to live.
The next morning, Samira Calehr and
her friend Aan ushered her sons onto
the train to the airport. They were
joking and laughing. Shaka, 19, had
just finished his first year of college,
where he was studying textile
engineering, and promised to keep an
eye on Miguel. Their other brother,
Mika, 16, hadn’t been able to get a
seat on Flight MH17 and would travel
to Bali the next day.
At the check-in counter, Calehr fussed
over her boys’ luggage. Shaka,
meanwhile, realized he’d forgotten to
pack socks. Calehr promised to buy
him some and send them along with
Mika.
Finally, they were outside customs.
The boys hugged Calehr goodbye and
walked toward passport control.
Suddenly, Miguel whirled around and
ran back, throwing his arms around
his mother.
“Mama, I’m going to miss you,” he
said. “What will happen if the airplane
crashes?”
What was this all about? she
wondered.
“Don’t say that,” she said, squeezing
him. “Everything will be OK.”
Shaka tried to reassure them both. “I
will take care of him,” he said to his
mom. “He’s my baby.”
She watched the two boys walk away.
But Miguel kept looking back at his
mother. His big brown eyes looked
sad.
Then he vanished from view.
Flight MH17 took off around 12:15
p.m. on what should have been an 11
hour and 45 minute flight.
It lasted two hours.
Calehr had just finished buying
Shaka’s socks when her phone rang. It
was her friend Aan. “Where are you?”
he screamed. “The plane crashed!”
She made it home just in time to faint.
She grapples now with the what-ifs,
the astronomical odds, the realization
that the world she knew has grown
alien in a blink. She thinks about how
her baby boy seemed to sense that his
time on Earth was running short. She
imagines the futures that will never
be: Shaka’s dream of becoming a
textile engineer, gone. Miguel’s dream
of becoming a go-kart race driver,
gone.
How could he have known? How
could she have known?
“I should have listened to him,” she
says softly. “I should have listened to
him.”
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
Saints and Devils
How Citizen Danjuma survived
35 days on dumpsite
For over 30 days, 25-year- old Danjuma was atop
a refuse heap. He was fed secretly by a 14-year-
old girl, Sarah Okoro and sympathetic neighbours.
Danjuma’s story, said sources, is that of rejection
and struggle.
Officials of Edo State Ministry of Women and Social
Development did nothing to get him out of the
dumpsite.
Danjuma was born a paraphelgic. His father,
according to him, is a native of Ndoma, Benue
State. His late mother, Kate, was an official of the
moribund Nigeria Telecommunications Limited
(NITEL) . The father’s whereabout is unknown.
It was gathered that Danjuma’s predicament began
when his mother died in 2007 and his care fell on
the late mother’s relatives.
Sources said Danjuma was taken in by his aunt. A
neighbour said Danjuma’s mother left some
substantial amount in her account for the upkeep
of her son.
A life of rejection and torture began for Danjuma
after the money left by his mother was said to
have been spent. Danjuma’s aunt living at
Ugbiyoko was said to taken him to his uncle who
lives at their family residence on Oza Street, off
Sakponba Road.
A tenant at the family’s residence told our reporter
that the uncle known as Arase was peeved that
Danjuma was brought to his residence after all the
money left for his upkeep has been spent.
The tenant said the uncle took Danjuma to the
University of Benin Teaching Hospital (UBTH) and
abandoned him there. The university management
was said to have returned Danjuma to the uncle
after many months.
According to the tenant, “The uncle threw him out
and left him in the backyard. Danjuma was inside
the rain and sun. The place is flooded. Whenever it
rained , Danjuma would be inside. If any of us
wanted to take Danjuma out, the uncle would
threaten to beat us.”
It was further learnt that the uncle threw Danjuma
on top the refuse heap to prevent people from
caring for him.
Neighbour were aware of Danjuma’s plight but did
nothing to rescue him.
Pastor Infeanyi Anyanli said they used to give
Danjuma bread and food secretly to avoid being
caught by the uncle.
Miss Okoro took pity on Danjuma and bravely
provided meals for him despite repeated beatings
by the uncle.
The wheel chair used by Danjuma was destroyed
by the uncle at the refuse heap.
The Coordinator of Forum of Women in Politics
(FONWIP) Mrs. Florence Igbinigie, told reporters
that the uncle was annoyed that family members
who collected the N6m left by Danjuma’s mother
brought him to his house without any money.
According to her, “Danjuma would be inside the
flood and sun. The wheel chair he used was
thrown away. The man threatens to deal with
anybody who gives him food.”
“I have reported to the Woman Affairs Ministry and
they are yet to take action. The boy needs medical
care and rehabilitation. He can still do something.”
Mrs. Igbinigie lamented the slow rescue efforts by
the National Human Rights Commission, the
Nigerian Police and the Ministry of Women Affairs
and Social Development.
She said the Divisional Police Officer in charge of
the zone said it was not within their responsibility
to rescue Danjuma from the heap.
The letter she wrote to these organisations reads:
“I wish to draw your urgent attention to a 25-year-
old physically challenged who was thrown into a
dustbin behind their house at number 12 Oza
Street, off Sakponba Road by his uncle, Mr. Arase.
“As we tried to approach the house, the said uncle
paid a deaf ear to us and was almost attacking us;
so, we had to run for our dear lives. Due to that
kind of attitude, we suspect more harm can be
done to the boy if urgent step is not taken. Hence
we write you to please intervene to protect the life
of this boy and seek justice for this inhuman
treatment meted to him.
“Please use your office to help rehabilitate the boy.
We have been caring for him since we learnt about
the incident. Rescue came for Danjuma last
Thursday when he was taken to the Faith Mediplex
on Airport Road in Benin City.”
He is being treated for malaria, sepsis, urinary tract
infection and cholera. Doctors said Danjuma’s
survival on the refuse heap was an act of God.
On the hospital bed, Danjuma’s first words were:
“ My uncle put me for dustbin.”
He said he was yet to comprehend why his
mother’s relatives mistreated him when the mother
cared for them when she was alive.
Danjuma, who said he stopped at primary five, said
he suffered more when he was staying with his
aunt.
He disclosed that his mother’s properties were at
Ibadan and that the relatives would collect them if
they knew the location.
He tried to spell his father’s name but could not.
“My mummy sister beat me very well. She put me
outside and I slept outside in cold for many days.
She took me to my uncle and my uncle returned
me to her. She called two soldiers who took me
back to my uncle.
“I feel better and I am eating well now. I asked my
mother: ‘where is my father?’ She said he went to
Port Harcourt. My father is an Ndoma. I schooled
at Ibadan. I ended my education in primary five.
My mummy said I should stop because we were
going back to Benin.
“My mummy had money. She cared for her people.
My mummy’s sister lives at Ugbiyoko. She kept
me in the cold. I was outside for many days in the
cold. My uncle beat me. He threw me on the
ground. If I show you my back, it is peeled. My
uncle took me back to my aunt’s place. She called
two soldiers who carried me to my uncle place. I
can read when it is written down.”
Miss Okoro, who was at the hospital looking after
Danjuma, was all tears when she was informed
that she was too young to care for him.
“Why did they say I should leave Danjuma? I am
from Delta State. They kept him at the back of our
house. I cannot be at home and see him not
eating. I used to hear him shouting: ‘I am hungry,
I am hungry’. I then took food to him. The uncle
stopped us from feeding him. My brother and I
fed him. The uncle used stone to hit my brother
but my mother told us not to give up. The uncle
beat me one day.”
There was a drama on who was responsible for
the rescue of Danjuma as two NGOs, Face to Face
Empowerment Initiative and FONWIP clashed over
who was responsible for the rescue of Danjuma.
Mr. Curtis Ugbo Eghosa of Face to Face said he
was taken aback when he heard a voice from atop
the refuse heap, saying: ‘I am here’. He was
almost dying when we saw him. He talked faintly
and I felt we should take him immediately.
“I was called that somebody was on a refuse heap.
I was really surprised to see man’s inhumanity to
man in this age. I felt we cannot leave the man
there. The wheel chair was destroyed. We took him
to Central hospital but they were on strike. I took
him to another hospital and there was no space;
so, we brought him here.
“The hospital asked Mrs. Igbinigie why she waited
for so long before the rescue on the day I went
there. That boy would have died the next day. Her
only quarrel was that I did not mention her name
when I spoke to the press.”
But, Mrs. Igbinigie said she was responsible for
the rescue of Danjuma.
She said: “The hospital management was shocked
when I brought out the receipt for deposit
payment. I have never seen this kind of thing in
my life. My NGO has been on for a long time.
People want to be in NGO to claim other people’s
credit.”
She vowed to take on the Commissioner of Police
and the National Human Rights Commission for the
delay in the arrest of Danjuma’s uncle.
Police spokesman DSP Uwoh Noble said he was
yet to be properly briefed about the incident.
A Director in the Ministry of Women Affairs and
Social Development, who pleaded anonymity,
confirmed that they were aware of Danjuma’s case
but said the state government had no place to
keep him.
The Director said they were discussing with an
NGO, Project Charilove but that the NGO was
making things difficult for the government.
“Please meet our commissioner to hear from her
on why we have not gone there. The Permanent
Secretary is also aware of the situation,” the
director said.
The administrator of the hospital, Prof. Doreen
Babog, promised that the hospital would do its
best to ensure that Danjuma got good health care.
35 days on dumpsite
For over 30 days, 25-year- old Danjuma was atop
a refuse heap. He was fed secretly by a 14-year-
old girl, Sarah Okoro and sympathetic neighbours.
Danjuma’s story, said sources, is that of rejection
and struggle.
Officials of Edo State Ministry of Women and Social
Development did nothing to get him out of the
dumpsite.
Danjuma was born a paraphelgic. His father,
according to him, is a native of Ndoma, Benue
State. His late mother, Kate, was an official of the
moribund Nigeria Telecommunications Limited
(NITEL) . The father’s whereabout is unknown.
It was gathered that Danjuma’s predicament began
when his mother died in 2007 and his care fell on
the late mother’s relatives.
Sources said Danjuma was taken in by his aunt. A
neighbour said Danjuma’s mother left some
substantial amount in her account for the upkeep
of her son.
A life of rejection and torture began for Danjuma
after the money left by his mother was said to
have been spent. Danjuma’s aunt living at
Ugbiyoko was said to taken him to his uncle who
lives at their family residence on Oza Street, off
Sakponba Road.
A tenant at the family’s residence told our reporter
that the uncle known as Arase was peeved that
Danjuma was brought to his residence after all the
money left for his upkeep has been spent.
The tenant said the uncle took Danjuma to the
University of Benin Teaching Hospital (UBTH) and
abandoned him there. The university management
was said to have returned Danjuma to the uncle
after many months.
According to the tenant, “The uncle threw him out
and left him in the backyard. Danjuma was inside
the rain and sun. The place is flooded. Whenever it
rained , Danjuma would be inside. If any of us
wanted to take Danjuma out, the uncle would
threaten to beat us.”
It was further learnt that the uncle threw Danjuma
on top the refuse heap to prevent people from
caring for him.
Neighbour were aware of Danjuma’s plight but did
nothing to rescue him.
Pastor Infeanyi Anyanli said they used to give
Danjuma bread and food secretly to avoid being
caught by the uncle.
Miss Okoro took pity on Danjuma and bravely
provided meals for him despite repeated beatings
by the uncle.
The wheel chair used by Danjuma was destroyed
by the uncle at the refuse heap.
The Coordinator of Forum of Women in Politics
(FONWIP) Mrs. Florence Igbinigie, told reporters
that the uncle was annoyed that family members
who collected the N6m left by Danjuma’s mother
brought him to his house without any money.
According to her, “Danjuma would be inside the
flood and sun. The wheel chair he used was
thrown away. The man threatens to deal with
anybody who gives him food.”
“I have reported to the Woman Affairs Ministry and
they are yet to take action. The boy needs medical
care and rehabilitation. He can still do something.”
Mrs. Igbinigie lamented the slow rescue efforts by
the National Human Rights Commission, the
Nigerian Police and the Ministry of Women Affairs
and Social Development.
She said the Divisional Police Officer in charge of
the zone said it was not within their responsibility
to rescue Danjuma from the heap.
The letter she wrote to these organisations reads:
“I wish to draw your urgent attention to a 25-year-
old physically challenged who was thrown into a
dustbin behind their house at number 12 Oza
Street, off Sakponba Road by his uncle, Mr. Arase.
“As we tried to approach the house, the said uncle
paid a deaf ear to us and was almost attacking us;
so, we had to run for our dear lives. Due to that
kind of attitude, we suspect more harm can be
done to the boy if urgent step is not taken. Hence
we write you to please intervene to protect the life
of this boy and seek justice for this inhuman
treatment meted to him.
“Please use your office to help rehabilitate the boy.
We have been caring for him since we learnt about
the incident. Rescue came for Danjuma last
Thursday when he was taken to the Faith Mediplex
on Airport Road in Benin City.”
He is being treated for malaria, sepsis, urinary tract
infection and cholera. Doctors said Danjuma’s
survival on the refuse heap was an act of God.
On the hospital bed, Danjuma’s first words were:
“ My uncle put me for dustbin.”
He said he was yet to comprehend why his
mother’s relatives mistreated him when the mother
cared for them when she was alive.
Danjuma, who said he stopped at primary five, said
he suffered more when he was staying with his
aunt.
He disclosed that his mother’s properties were at
Ibadan and that the relatives would collect them if
they knew the location.
He tried to spell his father’s name but could not.
“My mummy sister beat me very well. She put me
outside and I slept outside in cold for many days.
She took me to my uncle and my uncle returned
me to her. She called two soldiers who took me
back to my uncle.
“I feel better and I am eating well now. I asked my
mother: ‘where is my father?’ She said he went to
Port Harcourt. My father is an Ndoma. I schooled
at Ibadan. I ended my education in primary five.
My mummy said I should stop because we were
going back to Benin.
“My mummy had money. She cared for her people.
My mummy’s sister lives at Ugbiyoko. She kept
me in the cold. I was outside for many days in the
cold. My uncle beat me. He threw me on the
ground. If I show you my back, it is peeled. My
uncle took me back to my aunt’s place. She called
two soldiers who carried me to my uncle place. I
can read when it is written down.”
Miss Okoro, who was at the hospital looking after
Danjuma, was all tears when she was informed
that she was too young to care for him.
“Why did they say I should leave Danjuma? I am
from Delta State. They kept him at the back of our
house. I cannot be at home and see him not
eating. I used to hear him shouting: ‘I am hungry,
I am hungry’. I then took food to him. The uncle
stopped us from feeding him. My brother and I
fed him. The uncle used stone to hit my brother
but my mother told us not to give up. The uncle
beat me one day.”
There was a drama on who was responsible for
the rescue of Danjuma as two NGOs, Face to Face
Empowerment Initiative and FONWIP clashed over
who was responsible for the rescue of Danjuma.
Mr. Curtis Ugbo Eghosa of Face to Face said he
was taken aback when he heard a voice from atop
the refuse heap, saying: ‘I am here’. He was
almost dying when we saw him. He talked faintly
and I felt we should take him immediately.
“I was called that somebody was on a refuse heap.
I was really surprised to see man’s inhumanity to
man in this age. I felt we cannot leave the man
there. The wheel chair was destroyed. We took him
to Central hospital but they were on strike. I took
him to another hospital and there was no space;
so, we brought him here.
“The hospital asked Mrs. Igbinigie why she waited
for so long before the rescue on the day I went
there. That boy would have died the next day. Her
only quarrel was that I did not mention her name
when I spoke to the press.”
But, Mrs. Igbinigie said she was responsible for
the rescue of Danjuma.
She said: “The hospital management was shocked
when I brought out the receipt for deposit
payment. I have never seen this kind of thing in
my life. My NGO has been on for a long time.
People want to be in NGO to claim other people’s
credit.”
She vowed to take on the Commissioner of Police
and the National Human Rights Commission for the
delay in the arrest of Danjuma’s uncle.
Police spokesman DSP Uwoh Noble said he was
yet to be properly briefed about the incident.
A Director in the Ministry of Women Affairs and
Social Development, who pleaded anonymity,
confirmed that they were aware of Danjuma’s case
but said the state government had no place to
keep him.
The Director said they were discussing with an
NGO, Project Charilove but that the NGO was
making things difficult for the government.
“Please meet our commissioner to hear from her
on why we have not gone there. The Permanent
Secretary is also aware of the situation,” the
director said.
The administrator of the hospital, Prof. Doreen
Babog, promised that the hospital would do its
best to ensure that Danjuma got good health care.
Adieu Miguel
Young MH17
victim had eerie
premonitio
In a bedroom in a townhouse near
Amsterdam, Miguel Panduwinata
reached out for his mother. “Mama,
may I hug you?”
Samira Calehr wrapped her arms
around her 11-year-old son, who’d
been oddly agitated for days,
peppering her with questions about
death, about his soul, about God. The
next morning, she would drop Miguel
and his big brother Shaka at the
airport so they could catch Malaysia
Airlines Flight MH17, the first leg of
their journey to Bali to visit their
grandmother.
Her normally cheerful, well-traveled
boy should have been excited. His
silver suitcase sat in the living room,
ready to go. Jetskiing and surfing in
paradise awaited. But something was
off. A day earlier, while playing
soccer, Miguel had burst out: “How
would you choose to die? What would
happen to my body if I was buried?
Would I not feel anything because our
souls go back to God?”
And now, the night before his big trip,
Miguel refused to release his mother
from his grasp.
He’s just going to miss me, Calehr told
herself. So she stretched out beside
him and held him all night.
It was 11 p.m. on Wednesday, July 16.
Miguel, Shaka and the 296 other
people aboard Flight MH17 had
around 15 hours left to live.
The next morning, Samira Calehr and
her friend Aan ushered her sons onto
the train to the airport. They were
joking and laughing. Shaka, 19, had
just finished his first year of college,
where he was studying textile
engineering, and promised to keep an
eye on Miguel. Their other brother,
Mika, 16, hadn’t been able to get a
seat on Flight MH17 and would travel
to Bali the next day.
At the check-in counter, Calehr fussed
over her boys’ luggage. Shaka,
meanwhile, realized he’d forgotten to
pack socks. Calehr promised to buy
him some and send them along with
Mika.
Finally, they were outside customs.
The boys hugged Calehr goodbye and
walked toward passport control.
Suddenly, Miguel whirled around and
ran back, throwing his arms around
his mother.
“Mama, I’m going to miss you,” he
said. “What will happen if the airplane
crashes?”
What was this all about? she
wondered.
“Don’t say that,” she said, squeezing
him. “Everything will be OK.”
Shaka tried to reassure them both. “I
will take care of him,” he said to his
mom. “He’s my baby.”
She watched the two boys walk away.
But Miguel kept looking back at his
mother. His big brown eyes looked
sad.
Then he vanished from view.
Flight MH17 took off around 12:15
p.m. on what should have been an 11
hour and 45 minute flight.
It lasted two hours.
Calehr had just finished buying
Shaka’s socks when her phone rang. It
was her friend Aan. “Where are you?”
he screamed. “The plane crashed!”
She made it home just in time to faint.
She grapples now with the what-ifs,
the astronomical odds, the realization
that the world she knew has grown
alien in a blink. She thinks about how
her baby boy seemed to sense that his
time on Earth was running short. She
imagines the futures that will never
be: Shaka’s dream of becoming a
textile engineer, gone. Miguel’s dream
of becoming a go-kart race driver,
gone.
How could he have known? How
could she have known?
“I should have listened to him,” she
says softly. “I should have listened to
him.”
victim had eerie
premonitio
In a bedroom in a townhouse near
Amsterdam, Miguel Panduwinata
reached out for his mother. “Mama,
may I hug you?”
Samira Calehr wrapped her arms
around her 11-year-old son, who’d
been oddly agitated for days,
peppering her with questions about
death, about his soul, about God. The
next morning, she would drop Miguel
and his big brother Shaka at the
airport so they could catch Malaysia
Airlines Flight MH17, the first leg of
their journey to Bali to visit their
grandmother.
Her normally cheerful, well-traveled
boy should have been excited. His
silver suitcase sat in the living room,
ready to go. Jetskiing and surfing in
paradise awaited. But something was
off. A day earlier, while playing
soccer, Miguel had burst out: “How
would you choose to die? What would
happen to my body if I was buried?
Would I not feel anything because our
souls go back to God?”
And now, the night before his big trip,
Miguel refused to release his mother
from his grasp.
He’s just going to miss me, Calehr told
herself. So she stretched out beside
him and held him all night.
It was 11 p.m. on Wednesday, July 16.
Miguel, Shaka and the 296 other
people aboard Flight MH17 had
around 15 hours left to live.
The next morning, Samira Calehr and
her friend Aan ushered her sons onto
the train to the airport. They were
joking and laughing. Shaka, 19, had
just finished his first year of college,
where he was studying textile
engineering, and promised to keep an
eye on Miguel. Their other brother,
Mika, 16, hadn’t been able to get a
seat on Flight MH17 and would travel
to Bali the next day.
At the check-in counter, Calehr fussed
over her boys’ luggage. Shaka,
meanwhile, realized he’d forgotten to
pack socks. Calehr promised to buy
him some and send them along with
Mika.
Finally, they were outside customs.
The boys hugged Calehr goodbye and
walked toward passport control.
Suddenly, Miguel whirled around and
ran back, throwing his arms around
his mother.
“Mama, I’m going to miss you,” he
said. “What will happen if the airplane
crashes?”
What was this all about? she
wondered.
“Don’t say that,” she said, squeezing
him. “Everything will be OK.”
Shaka tried to reassure them both. “I
will take care of him,” he said to his
mom. “He’s my baby.”
She watched the two boys walk away.
But Miguel kept looking back at his
mother. His big brown eyes looked
sad.
Then he vanished from view.
Flight MH17 took off around 12:15
p.m. on what should have been an 11
hour and 45 minute flight.
It lasted two hours.
Calehr had just finished buying
Shaka’s socks when her phone rang. It
was her friend Aan. “Where are you?”
he screamed. “The plane crashed!”
She made it home just in time to faint.
She grapples now with the what-ifs,
the astronomical odds, the realization
that the world she knew has grown
alien in a blink. She thinks about how
her baby boy seemed to sense that his
time on Earth was running short. She
imagines the futures that will never
be: Shaka’s dream of becoming a
textile engineer, gone. Miguel’s dream
of becoming a go-kart race driver,
gone.
How could he have known? How
could she have known?
“I should have listened to him,” she
says softly. “I should have listened to
him.”
Too bad
Malaysia Airlines crash: Family who lost
two members on flight MH370 have lost
two more on MH17
Son and step-granddaughter of
couple died in separate Malaysia Airlines
disasters
An Australian family has tragically been
hit by both Malaysia Airlines tragedies,
having now lost four members through
flight MH370's disappearance and flight
MH17 being shot down over Ukraine.
Irene and George Burrows, from Bileola,
Queensland, were still mourning their son
Rodney and his wife Mary after their
plane vanished without a trace over the
southern Indian Ocean in March, and will
now have to grieve for their step-
granddaughter Maree Rizk and her
husband Albert who were aboard MH17.
The couple were travelling home from a
holiday in Europe when the plane was
shot down, according to the Sydney
Morning Herald, with all 298 people on
board perishing in the tragedy.
A recording of conversations between a
man identified by Ukrainian media as a
Russian military commander and a rebel
fighter has emerged this morning, in
which they are reportedly heard
discussing the downing of a jet over
eastern Ukraine shortly after MH17 fell in
between Krasni Luch in Luhansk region
and Shakhtarsk in the neighbouring
region of Donetsk.
In one of the calls a man going by the
name Bezler can be heard saying: “Just
now a plane was hit and destroyed by the
miners group.”
In a post on Russian social media site
Vkontake, Igor Girkin, also known by the
nom de guerre Strelkov, the commander
of the pro-Russian Donbass People's
Militia, is reported to have claimed that
his forces shot down a plane in the
Donbass region of eastern Ukraine at
5.50pm (GMT+4), shortly before reports
emerged the passenger jet was missing.
Video: Malaysia Airlines flight MH17
crash
According to a translation obtained by
The Independent, he allegedly wrote: “We
warned [sic] not to fly in our sky.”
Kiev has branded the event an "act of
terrorism" and demanded a UN
investigation, while Russian president
Vladimir Putin has insisted it would not
have happened if the Ukrainian
government had agreed to a ceasefire.
Nine Britons died in the crash, along with
54 Dutch passengers, 45 Malaysians, 27
Australians, 12 Indonesians, four
Germans, four Belgians, three Filipinos
and one Canadian.
two members on flight MH370 have lost
two more on MH17
Son and step-granddaughter of
couple died in separate Malaysia Airlines
disasters
An Australian family has tragically been
hit by both Malaysia Airlines tragedies,
having now lost four members through
flight MH370's disappearance and flight
MH17 being shot down over Ukraine.
Irene and George Burrows, from Bileola,
Queensland, were still mourning their son
Rodney and his wife Mary after their
plane vanished without a trace over the
southern Indian Ocean in March, and will
now have to grieve for their step-
granddaughter Maree Rizk and her
husband Albert who were aboard MH17.
The couple were travelling home from a
holiday in Europe when the plane was
shot down, according to the Sydney
Morning Herald, with all 298 people on
board perishing in the tragedy.
A recording of conversations between a
man identified by Ukrainian media as a
Russian military commander and a rebel
fighter has emerged this morning, in
which they are reportedly heard
discussing the downing of a jet over
eastern Ukraine shortly after MH17 fell in
between Krasni Luch in Luhansk region
and Shakhtarsk in the neighbouring
region of Donetsk.
In one of the calls a man going by the
name Bezler can be heard saying: “Just
now a plane was hit and destroyed by the
miners group.”
In a post on Russian social media site
Vkontake, Igor Girkin, also known by the
nom de guerre Strelkov, the commander
of the pro-Russian Donbass People's
Militia, is reported to have claimed that
his forces shot down a plane in the
Donbass region of eastern Ukraine at
5.50pm (GMT+4), shortly before reports
emerged the passenger jet was missing.
Video: Malaysia Airlines flight MH17
crash
According to a translation obtained by
The Independent, he allegedly wrote: “We
warned [sic] not to fly in our sky.”
Kiev has branded the event an "act of
terrorism" and demanded a UN
investigation, while Russian president
Vladimir Putin has insisted it would not
have happened if the Ukrainian
government had agreed to a ceasefire.
Nine Britons died in the crash, along with
54 Dutch passengers, 45 Malaysians, 27
Australians, 12 Indonesians, four
Germans, four Belgians, three Filipinos
and one Canadian.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Cancer drug finds new use as fertility treatment
A new treatment approach increases the odds
that women with a common cause of infertility
can have a baby.
The study focused on women with polycystic
ovary syndrome, or PCOS, one of the most
common causes of infertility in women. PCOS
affects about 5% to 10% of women, who
develop multiple cysts on their ovaries and
often have irregular periods, according to the
study, published Wednesday in The New
England Journal of Medicine.
Doctors have prescribed the drug clomiphene
for years to help these women conceive, but
pregnancy rates remain low, with only about
one in five getting pregnant after six treatment
cycles.
In the new study of 750 women, doctors
compared clomiphene with another drug,
letrozole, which is commonly used as a breast
cancer treatment in postmenopausal women
whose cancers are fueled by estrogen, says
Richard Legro, the study's first author and a
professor at Penn State College of Medicine.
About 28% of women randomly assigned to
take letrozole had a live birth, compared with
19% of those assigned to take clomiphene,
according to the study, funded by the National
Institutes of Health. Women underwent up to
five monthly treatment cycles with either drug.
There were no significant differences in the
rate of twins and triplets, miscarriages or birth
defects, the study says. The two drugs caused
different side effects. Among those taking
clomiphene, 33% of women developed hot
flashes, 15% had fatigue, and 8% suffered from
dizziness.
Among those taking letrozole, 22% had fatigue,
20% had hot flashes, and 12% experienced
dizziness, according to the study.
The results are likely to change medical
practice, encouraging doctors to try letrozole
first, says Charles Coddington, a professor at
Minnesota's Mayo Clinic and president of the
Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology,
who was not involved in the study.
Today, doctors typically start with clomiphene,
mostly because its side effects and safety are
well-established, then switch to letrozole only
if women don't conceive, Coddington says.
Now that letrozole appears safe, more doctors
will feel comfortable using it, says Samantha
Butts, associate professor of obstetrics and
gynecology at the Hospital of the University of
Pennsylvania.
Both clomiphene and letrozole are much less
expensive than other treatment options,
Coddington says. A cycle of these drugs,
combined with ultrasounds and blood tests,
costs about $300.
In comparison, a month's treatment with
injectable fertility drugs costs around $1,000.
In vitro fertilization, or IVF, costs about
$15,000 per attempt, Coddington says.
Legro cautions that doctors should try to
confirm his results with additional studies. He
says doctors also to need follow babies long
term, to confirm there is no increased risk of
birth defects from letrozole.
that women with a common cause of infertility
can have a baby.
The study focused on women with polycystic
ovary syndrome, or PCOS, one of the most
common causes of infertility in women. PCOS
affects about 5% to 10% of women, who
develop multiple cysts on their ovaries and
often have irregular periods, according to the
study, published Wednesday in The New
England Journal of Medicine.
Doctors have prescribed the drug clomiphene
for years to help these women conceive, but
pregnancy rates remain low, with only about
one in five getting pregnant after six treatment
cycles.
In the new study of 750 women, doctors
compared clomiphene with another drug,
letrozole, which is commonly used as a breast
cancer treatment in postmenopausal women
whose cancers are fueled by estrogen, says
Richard Legro, the study's first author and a
professor at Penn State College of Medicine.
About 28% of women randomly assigned to
take letrozole had a live birth, compared with
19% of those assigned to take clomiphene,
according to the study, funded by the National
Institutes of Health. Women underwent up to
five monthly treatment cycles with either drug.
There were no significant differences in the
rate of twins and triplets, miscarriages or birth
defects, the study says. The two drugs caused
different side effects. Among those taking
clomiphene, 33% of women developed hot
flashes, 15% had fatigue, and 8% suffered from
dizziness.
Among those taking letrozole, 22% had fatigue,
20% had hot flashes, and 12% experienced
dizziness, according to the study.
The results are likely to change medical
practice, encouraging doctors to try letrozole
first, says Charles Coddington, a professor at
Minnesota's Mayo Clinic and president of the
Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology,
who was not involved in the study.
Today, doctors typically start with clomiphene,
mostly because its side effects and safety are
well-established, then switch to letrozole only
if women don't conceive, Coddington says.
Now that letrozole appears safe, more doctors
will feel comfortable using it, says Samantha
Butts, associate professor of obstetrics and
gynecology at the Hospital of the University of
Pennsylvania.
Both clomiphene and letrozole are much less
expensive than other treatment options,
Coddington says. A cycle of these drugs,
combined with ultrasounds and blood tests,
costs about $300.
In comparison, a month's treatment with
injectable fertility drugs costs around $1,000.
In vitro fertilization, or IVF, costs about
$15,000 per attempt, Coddington says.
Legro cautions that doctors should try to
confirm his results with additional studies. He
says doctors also to need follow babies long
term, to confirm there is no increased risk of
birth defects from letrozole.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
bless these beauties
Tears in Texas for 'Beautiful Kids' E
The grandparents of four children executed by a gunman inside their
suburban Houston home Wednesday are thanking the community for
their prayers and well wishes — and said their 15-year-old
granddaughter who was shot in the head but survived by playing dead is
expected to make a full recovery.
“We are grateful for this miracle,” Roger Lyon said of the teen’s survival in a
statement Thursday. “We are in awe of her bravery and courage in calling 911,
an act that is likely to have saved all of our lives. She is our hero."
advertisement
Ron Lee Haskell is charged with murdering the four children, aged 4 to 13, and
their parents Stephen Stay, 39 and Katie Stay, 33, in Spring, Texas. Lyon is
Katie’s father. Police said Haskell was headed to the grandparents' house next.
Police said Haskell drove to the Stay home looking for his ex-wife, Melannie
Haskell, then tied up 15-year-old Cassidy when she answered the door and the
rest of the victims when they later arrived. He then shot each in the back of the
head.
Cassidy survived the shot and played dead until the gunman left; she then
called 911 and was able to tell authorities where Haskell was headed,
authorities said. Haskell later surrendered to police after a 20-minute chase and
3 ½ hour standoff, in which he held a gun to his head, police said.
"Stephen and Katie Stay and their beautiful children were an amazing and
resilient family. They lived to help others, both at church and in their
neighborhood. We love them beyond words,” the grandparents said in the
statement. "We are shocked and devastated by this tragedy that has taken
these precious souls away from us.”
Stunned members of the tight-knit Texas town were in disbelief Thursday,
remembering the child victims as “beautiful kids” who “gave an abundance of
hugs to everyone.”
advertisement
The slain children were identified as Zach, 4, Bryan, 13, Rebecca, 7, and Emily,
9. Cassidy is in critical condition at Memorial Hermann Hospital.
“They were just loved by everyone,” said Lemm Elementary School Principal
Kathy Brown of two of the four children who were slain and who were students
there. “They just had an abundance of love for everyone. They were pleasers —
wanting to do well for others.”
From left to right: Cassidy Stay, 15, survived being shot in the head and called
police after a gunman executed her sister Rebecca, 7; mother Katie, 33; sister
Emily, 9; dad Stephen, 39; and brothers Zach, 4, and Bryan, 13.
Throughout the day people dropped by the school and tied brightly-colored
ribbons to trees outside the school.
An online fundraiser set up to pay for the family’s funeral and medical
expenses had already raised more than $30,000 as of Thursday afternoon. A
memorial for the family is planned Saturday morning at Lemm Elementary.
Jody Dellinger, district manager for the Harris County WCID 110 water and
sewer district, started the online fundraiser and was overwhelmed with the
responses of people who want to help. He was in a water board meeting along
with the constable who was the first officer on the scene, Sgt. George Beck, two
streets away from the scene when the shooting occurred.
advertisement
“The cop who was the first on the scene came in and said, ‘Man, we gotta do
something,’” Dellinger said. “It’s a very, very close community, a close-knit
community. We’re their neighborhood, everyone knows them … It’s been
unbelievable, the outpouring.”
Katie was a stay-at-home mom of five kids and frequently took her family to
the Forest Oaks Swim & Racquet Club and other recreational facilities managed
by the water district. A photo of the family, smiling and dressed in blue sitting
on a bench swing surrounded by trees, was taken at the park.
“Cassidy's just a very sweet little girl,” Dellinger said. “She’s going to need a
lot of prayer and a lot of attention after this. She’s an absolute hero.”
The grandparents of four children executed by a gunman inside their
suburban Houston home Wednesday are thanking the community for
their prayers and well wishes — and said their 15-year-old
granddaughter who was shot in the head but survived by playing dead is
expected to make a full recovery.
“We are grateful for this miracle,” Roger Lyon said of the teen’s survival in a
statement Thursday. “We are in awe of her bravery and courage in calling 911,
an act that is likely to have saved all of our lives. She is our hero."
advertisement
Ron Lee Haskell is charged with murdering the four children, aged 4 to 13, and
their parents Stephen Stay, 39 and Katie Stay, 33, in Spring, Texas. Lyon is
Katie’s father. Police said Haskell was headed to the grandparents' house next.
Police said Haskell drove to the Stay home looking for his ex-wife, Melannie
Haskell, then tied up 15-year-old Cassidy when she answered the door and the
rest of the victims when they later arrived. He then shot each in the back of the
head.
Cassidy survived the shot and played dead until the gunman left; she then
called 911 and was able to tell authorities where Haskell was headed,
authorities said. Haskell later surrendered to police after a 20-minute chase and
3 ½ hour standoff, in which he held a gun to his head, police said.
"Stephen and Katie Stay and their beautiful children were an amazing and
resilient family. They lived to help others, both at church and in their
neighborhood. We love them beyond words,” the grandparents said in the
statement. "We are shocked and devastated by this tragedy that has taken
these precious souls away from us.”
Stunned members of the tight-knit Texas town were in disbelief Thursday,
remembering the child victims as “beautiful kids” who “gave an abundance of
hugs to everyone.”
advertisement
The slain children were identified as Zach, 4, Bryan, 13, Rebecca, 7, and Emily,
9. Cassidy is in critical condition at Memorial Hermann Hospital.
“They were just loved by everyone,” said Lemm Elementary School Principal
Kathy Brown of two of the four children who were slain and who were students
there. “They just had an abundance of love for everyone. They were pleasers —
wanting to do well for others.”
From left to right: Cassidy Stay, 15, survived being shot in the head and called
police after a gunman executed her sister Rebecca, 7; mother Katie, 33; sister
Emily, 9; dad Stephen, 39; and brothers Zach, 4, and Bryan, 13.
Throughout the day people dropped by the school and tied brightly-colored
ribbons to trees outside the school.
An online fundraiser set up to pay for the family’s funeral and medical
expenses had already raised more than $30,000 as of Thursday afternoon. A
memorial for the family is planned Saturday morning at Lemm Elementary.
Jody Dellinger, district manager for the Harris County WCID 110 water and
sewer district, started the online fundraiser and was overwhelmed with the
responses of people who want to help. He was in a water board meeting along
with the constable who was the first officer on the scene, Sgt. George Beck, two
streets away from the scene when the shooting occurred.
advertisement
“The cop who was the first on the scene came in and said, ‘Man, we gotta do
something,’” Dellinger said. “It’s a very, very close community, a close-knit
community. We’re their neighborhood, everyone knows them … It’s been
unbelievable, the outpouring.”
Katie was a stay-at-home mom of five kids and frequently took her family to
the Forest Oaks Swim & Racquet Club and other recreational facilities managed
by the water district. A photo of the family, smiling and dressed in blue sitting
on a bench swing surrounded by trees, was taken at the park.
“Cassidy's just a very sweet little girl,” Dellinger said. “She’s going to need a
lot of prayer and a lot of attention after this. She’s an absolute hero.”
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
13-year-old raped...thrown out of train
The distraught mother of a 13-
year-old girl raped and thrown from a sleeper train
en route to Bangkok has told of her daughter's
dreams for the future, amid angry calls for a
mandatory death penalty for child rapists.
"She wanted to be an angel, she wanted to be an
air hostess," her mother said of Nong Kaem. "If
she was still here I would do everything to support
her, but now I have nothing left."
Kaem's sister, one of two who was traveling with
her on the overnight train from southern Thailand
on Saturday, wrote on Facebook of her guilt at not
being able to protect her. "Kaem, I am so sorry
that I failed to look after you. I am a terrible sister.
Please forgive me," she wrote, according to the
Bangkok Post.
Journey turned to horror
It was Kaem's first time on a train.
She was returning from the city of Surat Thai with
her two sisters and one of their boyfriends to the
Thai capital Bangkok, a popular route for tourists
going to and from the country's popular southern
beaches.
They were sharing a sleeping carriage, and turned
in for the night. By the morning Kaem was gone.
Police searched the train and the track as the
teenager's frantic family turned to the media for
help in finding her.
Three days later, her body was found naked near
the track; she'd been raped, suffocated and tossed
out of a window by her attacker who told police he
had been drinking and was high on
methamphetamine, according to Police Major
General Thanet Soonthornsuk.
Tracked down by phone
Police named Kaem's alleged murderer
as 22-year-old railway employee
Wanchai Saengkhao.
They said he confessed to the crime
after he was tracked down via his
victim's mobile phone. Wanchai sold
the girl's phone to a shop owner in
Bangkok, who took a copy of his I.D.
which was later passed to police.
Police said Wanchai admitted carrying the sleeping
child to another carriage where he raped and
strangled her, before throwing her lifeless body out
the window as the train passed through the
Pranburi District in Prachuabkirikan Province.
Wanchai has been charged with murder, rape of a
child under 15 years old and theft, police said.
He faces possible execution for the murder charge,
but activists are using the case to call for tougher
charges for child rape, which currently carries a
jail term of four to 20 years and a fine of up to
40,000 baht ($1,200).
Rage vented online
The reaction on social media was swift
and scathing as angry Thais
bombarded Wanchai's Facebook page
with abusive messages. The page is no
longer available.
Junta leader, army chief General
Prayuth Chan-ocha, expressed his
sorrow, and the former transport
minister, Chatchart Sitthipan, said he
took the blame for failing to do more when he was
in charge of the railway.
"It is the worst news in many years for the State
Railway of Thailand and the Ministry of Transport. I
feel that I am also responsible for this event,
because I did not do my job well enough when I
was the Minister," Chatchart said .
As word spread that Kaem had gone missing, Thai
actress and former Miss Thailand, Panadda
Wongphudee, posted a message on Instagram
urging people to back a campaign to change the
law under the slogan, "Rape, will be executed."
A Change.org petition was set up calling for the
tougher penalties -- "no more sentence reduction,
parole or pardon" -- which at the time of writing
had more than 25,000 signatories.
There were also calls for State Railway of Thailand
governor Prapas Chongsanguan to step down, as
officials scrambled to assure passengers the trains
were safe. A ban would be slapped on the sale of
alcohol on all trains, they said, and background
checks would be stepped up for all employees.
Are new laws the answer?
Amid the anger, some called for calm.
"We have to listen to this news with full
consciousness. To design or change a law base
on emotions and hatred will never produce
effective law. It will only promote more hatred in
society," said Dejudom Krairit, Chairman of
Lawyers Council of Thailand.
Writing in the Bangkok Post, columnist Sanitsuda
Ekachai said: "I seriously doubt if the angry calls
for the death penalty as the only punishment for
child rapists and rapists/murderers will make our
society any safer.
"These calls stem from the belief that this heinous
crime was possible because the punishment is not
heavy enough. This is not new. We hear such calls
every time a shocking rape or murder happens."
year-old girl raped and thrown from a sleeper train
en route to Bangkok has told of her daughter's
dreams for the future, amid angry calls for a
mandatory death penalty for child rapists.
"She wanted to be an angel, she wanted to be an
air hostess," her mother said of Nong Kaem. "If
she was still here I would do everything to support
her, but now I have nothing left."
Kaem's sister, one of two who was traveling with
her on the overnight train from southern Thailand
on Saturday, wrote on Facebook of her guilt at not
being able to protect her. "Kaem, I am so sorry
that I failed to look after you. I am a terrible sister.
Please forgive me," she wrote, according to the
Bangkok Post.
Journey turned to horror
It was Kaem's first time on a train.
She was returning from the city of Surat Thai with
her two sisters and one of their boyfriends to the
Thai capital Bangkok, a popular route for tourists
going to and from the country's popular southern
beaches.
They were sharing a sleeping carriage, and turned
in for the night. By the morning Kaem was gone.
Police searched the train and the track as the
teenager's frantic family turned to the media for
help in finding her.
Three days later, her body was found naked near
the track; she'd been raped, suffocated and tossed
out of a window by her attacker who told police he
had been drinking and was high on
methamphetamine, according to Police Major
General Thanet Soonthornsuk.
Tracked down by phone
Police named Kaem's alleged murderer
as 22-year-old railway employee
Wanchai Saengkhao.
They said he confessed to the crime
after he was tracked down via his
victim's mobile phone. Wanchai sold
the girl's phone to a shop owner in
Bangkok, who took a copy of his I.D.
which was later passed to police.
Police said Wanchai admitted carrying the sleeping
child to another carriage where he raped and
strangled her, before throwing her lifeless body out
the window as the train passed through the
Pranburi District in Prachuabkirikan Province.
Wanchai has been charged with murder, rape of a
child under 15 years old and theft, police said.
He faces possible execution for the murder charge,
but activists are using the case to call for tougher
charges for child rape, which currently carries a
jail term of four to 20 years and a fine of up to
40,000 baht ($1,200).
Rage vented online
The reaction on social media was swift
and scathing as angry Thais
bombarded Wanchai's Facebook page
with abusive messages. The page is no
longer available.
Junta leader, army chief General
Prayuth Chan-ocha, expressed his
sorrow, and the former transport
minister, Chatchart Sitthipan, said he
took the blame for failing to do more when he was
in charge of the railway.
"It is the worst news in many years for the State
Railway of Thailand and the Ministry of Transport. I
feel that I am also responsible for this event,
because I did not do my job well enough when I
was the Minister," Chatchart said .
As word spread that Kaem had gone missing, Thai
actress and former Miss Thailand, Panadda
Wongphudee, posted a message on Instagram
urging people to back a campaign to change the
law under the slogan, "Rape, will be executed."
A Change.org petition was set up calling for the
tougher penalties -- "no more sentence reduction,
parole or pardon" -- which at the time of writing
had more than 25,000 signatories.
There were also calls for State Railway of Thailand
governor Prapas Chongsanguan to step down, as
officials scrambled to assure passengers the trains
were safe. A ban would be slapped on the sale of
alcohol on all trains, they said, and background
checks would be stepped up for all employees.
Are new laws the answer?
Amid the anger, some called for calm.
"We have to listen to this news with full
consciousness. To design or change a law base
on emotions and hatred will never produce
effective law. It will only promote more hatred in
society," said Dejudom Krairit, Chairman of
Lawyers Council of Thailand.
Writing in the Bangkok Post, columnist Sanitsuda
Ekachai said: "I seriously doubt if the angry calls
for the death penalty as the only punishment for
child rapists and rapists/murderers will make our
society any safer.
"These calls stem from the belief that this heinous
crime was possible because the punishment is not
heavy enough. This is not new. We hear such calls
every time a shocking rape or murder happens."
Prostitute accused of injecting cocaine overdose into Google executive
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. (AP) — An alleged high-end
prostitute accused of injecting heroin into a Google
executive on his yacht in Santa Cruz and leaving
him to die when he overdosed appeared in court
on Wednesday on manslaughter and heroin
charges.
Alix Tichelman, 26, in handcuffs and a red
jumpsuit, did not enter a plea and was appointed a
public defender. She is being held on $1.5 million
bail.
Surveillance footage from the yacht shows
Tichelman gather her belongings, including the
heroin and needles, step over the 51-year-old
victim's body to finish a glass of wine and then
lower a blind before leaving the boat, Santa Cruz
police said.
Police said Tichelman, of Folsom, did not provide
first aid or call 911 as the man, identified as
Forrest Timothy Hayes, suffered medical
complications and went unconscious during the
November overdose aboard his 50-foot yacht,
Escape. His body was discovered the next
morning by the boat's captain, police said.
Police are also investigating Tichelman in
connection with a similar incident in another state,
Santa Cruz Deputy Police Chief Steve Clark said.
He did not elaborate.
"There's a pattern of behavior here where she
doesn't seek help when someone is in trouble," he
said.
Tichelman's attorney, Diana August, did not
immediately return a call seeking comment.
Assistant District Attorney Rafael Vazquez said
authorities are still investigating the case and may
file more serious charges.
Tichelman was arrested on July 4 after police said
a detective lured her back to the Santa Cruz area
by posing as a potential client and reaching
agreement on a price of more than $1,000.
Police said Tichelman, who boasted she had more
than 200 clients, met her clients through the
website, SeekingArrangement.com, which purports
to connect wealthy men and women with attractive
companions. Her clients included other Silicon
Valley executives, Clark said.
prostitute accused of injecting heroin into a Google
executive on his yacht in Santa Cruz and leaving
him to die when he overdosed appeared in court
on Wednesday on manslaughter and heroin
charges.
Alix Tichelman, 26, in handcuffs and a red
jumpsuit, did not enter a plea and was appointed a
public defender. She is being held on $1.5 million
bail.
Surveillance footage from the yacht shows
Tichelman gather her belongings, including the
heroin and needles, step over the 51-year-old
victim's body to finish a glass of wine and then
lower a blind before leaving the boat, Santa Cruz
police said.
Police said Tichelman, of Folsom, did not provide
first aid or call 911 as the man, identified as
Forrest Timothy Hayes, suffered medical
complications and went unconscious during the
November overdose aboard his 50-foot yacht,
Escape. His body was discovered the next
morning by the boat's captain, police said.
Police are also investigating Tichelman in
connection with a similar incident in another state,
Santa Cruz Deputy Police Chief Steve Clark said.
He did not elaborate.
"There's a pattern of behavior here where she
doesn't seek help when someone is in trouble," he
said.
Tichelman's attorney, Diana August, did not
immediately return a call seeking comment.
Assistant District Attorney Rafael Vazquez said
authorities are still investigating the case and may
file more serious charges.
Tichelman was arrested on July 4 after police said
a detective lured her back to the Santa Cruz area
by posing as a potential client and reaching
agreement on a price of more than $1,000.
Police said Tichelman, who boasted she had more
than 200 clients, met her clients through the
website, SeekingArrangement.com, which purports
to connect wealthy men and women with attractive
companions. Her clients included other Silicon
Valley executives, Clark said.
Man divorces wife on their wedding night
Man divorces his
wife on their
wedding night
Is this the world’s shortest wedding?
A Saudi man is said to have divorced
his wife on the night of their nuptials
after he was given explicit pictures of
his bride by her former lover.
According to local reports , which cite
a story by religious preacher Shaikh
Ghazi Bin Abdul Aziz Al Shammari,
the newlyweds were celebrating their
marriage at a hotel when the groom
received a bouquet of flowers with a
memory stick containing the offending
photos.
The man was so shocked he ended
their fledgling marriage on the spot.
Al Shammari said the bride had been
contacted days before her wedding by
her former flame, who threatened to
tell her fiancé of their relationship if
she did not go out with him.
When the woman refused, the jilted
lover found the address of the
wedding venue and hatched his
diabolic plan.
“The groom came to see me the next
day and he was under strong
emotional trauma,” Al Shammari said.
“It was truly the shock of his life and
he could not bear the scandal.”
This article originally appeared on
News.com.au .
wife on their
wedding night
Is this the world’s shortest wedding?
A Saudi man is said to have divorced
his wife on the night of their nuptials
after he was given explicit pictures of
his bride by her former lover.
According to local reports , which cite
a story by religious preacher Shaikh
Ghazi Bin Abdul Aziz Al Shammari,
the newlyweds were celebrating their
marriage at a hotel when the groom
received a bouquet of flowers with a
memory stick containing the offending
photos.
The man was so shocked he ended
their fledgling marriage on the spot.
Al Shammari said the bride had been
contacted days before her wedding by
her former flame, who threatened to
tell her fiancé of their relationship if
she did not go out with him.
When the woman refused, the jilted
lover found the address of the
wedding venue and hatched his
diabolic plan.
“The groom came to see me the next
day and he was under strong
emotional trauma,” Al Shammari said.
“It was truly the shock of his life and
he could not bear the scandal.”
This article originally appeared on
News.com.au .
Help your child to develop talents through play
By using common, everyday games and activities,
you can help your children be happy and
successful.
Imagine a child who is learning how to walk. He
tries and fails several times, but he doesn’t give
up. With his, “I can do it,” attitude, he keeps trying
until he succeeds. Perseverance and patience are
natural qualities built into a child’s nature. As a
child grows, however, his child-like enthusiasm,
ability to focus and motivational instinct begin to
disappear. As your child’s parent or tutor, you
need to keep your children from giving up on their
dreams. You must keep them from losing interest
in the things they love to do.
Many people, from Thomas A. Edison to Bill Gates,
never gave up on the things they loved to do. They
kept working at their dreams until they achieved
what they were striving for. Although you may not
have the qualities that you want to teach your kids
yet, you can still work with your kids. You can
help your child and yourself learn that success is
the result of persistent passion.
With this goal in mind, I have listed 10 crucial
talents and abilities that your child should develop
as he plays and grows, day by day.
1. Reality
When, as things get more difficult, a child may
quit. A pattern of quitting makes it difficult to
overcome his own future obstacles. One of the
most effective methods to fight hopelessness, at
whatever age, is the, “I can and I will,” attitude.
Encourage your child to play with things that he
likes. By doing this, he will learn how to solve
problems.
2. Emotional intelligence
Make sure your child plays with toys that stimulate
her imagination and that stretch her limits. Ensure
that she plays games that are appropriate for, or
just above, her age group — not below it. As you
do this, she will be developing her abilities. She
needs to experience both victory and defeat, so
she can learn to tolerate frustrations. Be sure to
validate her feelings and interests.
3. Perseverance
Praise your child when he is successful and help
him deal with the pain of failure. You can tell him
stories of people who never gave up, like Einstein.
If your child is younger, have the characters in
your stories be animals. Most importantly, be sure
to show your child that YOU never give up.
Encourage your child's enthusiasm.
4. Positive attitude
Your child learns from you how to deal with the
daily deceptions and difficulties that fill our lives,
such as the frustrations of work or traffic jams.
What you say or do during these times are not as
important as the way you feel. Your child is
sensitive enough to know whether you are feeling
depressed or determined. She will learn to react to
similar problems by watching you. Therefore, if
you want your child to have qualities like
determination, courage, perseverance, patience or
any other good quality, you need to develop these
qualities in yourself first.
5. Courage and curiosity
Curiosity develops talent. Motivate your child to
participate in different types of activities and help
him develop several interests. Talents may not
come in early childhood, but it is important that he
learns to not only choose the things he likes to do
most but he also needs to learn to explore many
different types of activities, games and toys. Take
him to a museum, an EXPO, a sports event or a
musical concert. Have your child meet your
extended family, look up his heritage and learn to
help around the house. Concentrate in the areas
that he identifies with most, and let him explore
the things that he most wants to learn. The
amount of time you spend with your child will
benefit generations to come.
6. Work the system
If your child shows interest in a particular area,
like music for example, the optimal age for him to
expand his talents is between 3 and 10 years old.
This timeframe aside, a child can still develop a
talent at any age that he shows desire and an
attitude ready to learn. As he learns, be sure he
understands that to develop a talent well, he will
need to practice and work hard to succeed. As
your child learns this, he will also learn that
anything is possible so long as he works hard at
it. Take pictures and document his progress. As
he sees the results of his hard work, he will
become more excited and work even harder toward
his goals.
7. Individuality
Proper development of a talent requires education.
However, too many extra-curricular activities can
hurt your child’s individuality instead of building it.
Each child is unique. Allowing your child the
confidence to develop whichever talent he chooses
and perform any activity he enjoys is a central
priority. Forget yourself and be surprised by the
power of your child’s true personality.
8. Character
As you work with your child to develop his
character and gain the necessary skills and
qualities for success, you will also be building
your own character. Relationships with other
children are essential, and your child needs to
learn that it is more important to be recognized for
who he is than for the things he can do. That way,
he will learn to be humble while working hard to
become a better person. Encourage emotional
expression.
9. Humility
While honing and developing talents, including
physical talents, a spiritual side should also
develop. Be sure that your child understands that
the talents and skills she learns are divine gifts.
10. Happiness
As your child develops his talents, is successful,
recognizes that his talents are divine gifts, is
grateful for each of his divine gifts and recognizes
his true potential, he will be gaining true
experience, which will be useful for the rest of his
life. But remember, happiness without gratitude
will not last.
Helping a child discover her talents as she grows
gives her an opportunity to choose. She gains the
liberty and encouragement to express her
individuality. She will make good decisions early
on, even as she takes her first steps or plays
innocently with others.
9 steps to help you love your spouse again
I recall trying to help my children with their
algebra homework. The thing is, when I was in
school, I was a straight A student; National Honor
Society and all. But then, 20-something years
later, I struggled to give them the help they
needed. Because I didn't practice my math skills
after school, I forgot a lot of them. However,
working with them over and over again, a lot of it
came back to me. It just took a little work and a
little remembering to relearn it all.
They say the same thing happens with exercise.
Your muscles remember the most fit state they
were ever in and even if you lapse in your fitness
regime, once you begin again, your body relearns
how to be fit and takes much less time to do so
because it was once there.
I believe that love behaves the same way. We so
often hear of couples who "grow apart." They have
lost that knowledge and tone their marriage once
had. But what if it could be relearned like algebra
or fitness?
The work would be there ahead of you and it would
probably seem daunting. Still, step by step, you
could work together, doing the workouts and
homework to help yourselves remember where the
two of you started.
Here are some recommended steps in relearning to
love:
Remember
Spend time actually remembering your courtship
and early marriage. Get out a scrapbook or
and read it. Close your eyes and relive a
memorable date. What was it that made you
choose to love this person?
Forgive
If you have been wronged, . If you have
wronged, ask for forgiveness. Put the behind
you.
Give your communication a makeover
Get rid of phrases and thoughts such as, "I
married you, didn't I?" and "You know how I feel"
and questions like, "What were we thinking?" In
their place, add, "I love you because __ " and "I
married you because I couldn't imagine getting up
every day and not seeing your face or hearing you
speak," and "I know what I was thinking about how
anxious we were to start our life together, and I
never regret one moment of my decision."
Be honest without trying to be hurtful
If something specific is bothering you, talk it out
without harsh accusation. Use "I" statements. "I
feel unloved when you __" or "I would really be
happier if you wouldn't mind changing this one
thing: __."
Think only of your spouse
During times of marital stress, it is not uncommon
to begin to think about someone else. Stop those
thoughts in their tracks and think about your
spouse.
Never speak ill of your spouse to anyone else
You will attract dangerous attention by doing so
and exacerbate the problem in your own mind.
If you are confronted with flirtation,
let the party know that you are devoted to your
spouse and say something kind about them and
why you are with them.
Court your spouse
Go back to square one and do the things you did
to win them over in the first place. Give small gifts.
Make a special meal. Commit yourselves to a date
once a week, even if it's only doing the grocery
shopping together. Here are some ideas on
Self-examination
It is fairly normal to see how you've changed and
think that your spouse hasn't or vice versa. Look
at the changes you have both undergone, the
improvements you've made, and the trials you've
weathered together.
If you are in a marriage that feels like it is
crumbling around you, pick up a brick and put it
back into place. Do your homework. Exercise your
desire to keep it intact. You can relearn to love
algebra homework. The thing is, when I was in
school, I was a straight A student; National Honor
Society and all. But then, 20-something years
later, I struggled to give them the help they
needed. Because I didn't practice my math skills
after school, I forgot a lot of them. However,
working with them over and over again, a lot of it
came back to me. It just took a little work and a
little remembering to relearn it all.
They say the same thing happens with exercise.
Your muscles remember the most fit state they
were ever in and even if you lapse in your fitness
regime, once you begin again, your body relearns
how to be fit and takes much less time to do so
because it was once there.
I believe that love behaves the same way. We so
often hear of couples who "grow apart." They have
lost that knowledge and tone their marriage once
had. But what if it could be relearned like algebra
or fitness?
The work would be there ahead of you and it would
probably seem daunting. Still, step by step, you
could work together, doing the workouts and
homework to help yourselves remember where the
two of you started.
Here are some recommended steps in relearning to
love:
Remember
Spend time actually remembering your courtship
and early marriage. Get out a scrapbook or
and read it. Close your eyes and relive a
memorable date. What was it that made you
choose to love this person?
Forgive
If you have been wronged, . If you have
wronged, ask for forgiveness. Put the behind
you.
Give your communication a makeover
Get rid of phrases and thoughts such as, "I
married you, didn't I?" and "You know how I feel"
and questions like, "What were we thinking?" In
their place, add, "I love you because __ " and "I
married you because I couldn't imagine getting up
every day and not seeing your face or hearing you
speak," and "I know what I was thinking about how
anxious we were to start our life together, and I
never regret one moment of my decision."
Be honest without trying to be hurtful
If something specific is bothering you, talk it out
without harsh accusation. Use "I" statements. "I
feel unloved when you __" or "I would really be
happier if you wouldn't mind changing this one
thing: __."
Think only of your spouse
During times of marital stress, it is not uncommon
to begin to think about someone else. Stop those
thoughts in their tracks and think about your
spouse.
Never speak ill of your spouse to anyone else
You will attract dangerous attention by doing so
and exacerbate the problem in your own mind.
If you are confronted with flirtation,
let the party know that you are devoted to your
spouse and say something kind about them and
why you are with them.
Court your spouse
Go back to square one and do the things you did
to win them over in the first place. Give small gifts.
Make a special meal. Commit yourselves to a date
once a week, even if it's only doing the grocery
shopping together. Here are some ideas on
Self-examination
It is fairly normal to see how you've changed and
think that your spouse hasn't or vice versa. Look
at the changes you have both undergone, the
improvements you've made, and the trials you've
weathered together.
If you are in a marriage that feels like it is
crumbling around you, pick up a brick and put it
back into place. Do your homework. Exercise your
desire to keep it intact. You can relearn to love
How to start a conversation you are dreading
How to Start a Conversation
You’re Dreading
by PETER BREGMAN
Comments (53) | July 7, 2014
I anticipated that the conversation would be
difficult.
Shari* and I had worked together for many
years, and I knew she was expecting me to hire
her to run a leadership program for one of my
clients, Ganta, a high-tech company. But I
didn’t think Shari was the right fit for Ganta or,
frankly, for the role of running the leadership
training. In fact, I had become increasingly
critical of her recent performance, though I
hadn’t mentioned anything to her about it yet.
That was my first mistake. I should have said
something before it got to this point.
So why didn’t I? I’d love to claim that it was
because I liked her, and I didn’t want to hurt
her feelings. Or because I hoped things would
get better without my intervention.
And while those things were true, there was a
deeper truth: I was afraid of the cringe moment.
Do you know that uneasy moment – right as
you’re saying something that feels risky, but
before the person responds? That’s the cringe
moment.
In other words, I delayed speaking with Shari
because I was afraid of how I would feel giving
her the negative feedback : awkward,
uncomfortable, and maybe even unreasonable.
But I couldn’t avoid it anymore. And because I
had waited so long, the conversation promised
to be even more awkward and uncomfortable.
And now that she was getting a more extreme
message with no warning, I would feel – and
appear – even more unreasonable. The cringe
quotient had gone up.
The day of the difficult conversation, I felt
anxious as Shari came into my office. We
shared a few pleasantries and then I began. I
told her that I knew she wanted to run the
leadership program at Ganta. I talked to her
about the complexities and challenges of the
leadership program and of Ganta in general.
And I spoke with her about my frustrations with
her recent performance. She asked me
questions and I offered explanations and
examples.
I did such a good job avoiding the cringe
moment that, 30 minutes into the conversation,
I still had not clearly communicated to Shari
whether I was firing her or hiring her. My
build-up was equally appropriate as context for
either.
Finally, she did it for me. “So,” she asked, “Are
you saying that you don’t want me to lead this
program or you do?”
Now that I’m aware of it, I see my own behavior
in leaders everywhere. Standing in front of the
room, one senior VP slowly constructed a case
to close a business. But he never got to his
conclusion as people began debating
unimportant details related to his argument
before they even knew where he was headed.
In another case, a CEO sat in a meeting of
department heads with the intention of telling
them she was creating a new position to which
they would all report. But she lost them as she
spent the first 20 minutes giving context to a
decision she hadn’t yet announced. As one
person later told me, “All of the context was
lost on me as I was trying to guess what she
was getting at. It was a complete waste of
time.”
The intellectual reason we build a case, or give
context, to a difficult decision before
announcing it is because we want to convey
that the decision is well-thought out, rational,
and an inevitable conclusion to the facts. But
since the listeners don’t know what decision is
being made, they have no context for the
context and it all feels meaningless.
The emotional reason we give such long
introductions to hard decisions is because we
are procrastinating. We’re delaying the cringe
feeling.
But this delay is counterproductive; it only
stretches and deepens the discomfort of
everyone involved.
The solution is simple and straightforward:
Lead with the punchline.
What should I have said to Shari? “Thanks for
coming in, Shari. I am not going to have you
run the leadership program with Ganta, and I’d
like you to understand why . . . ”
The senior VP should have started by saying, “I
have come to the conclusion that we should
close XXX business.”
And the CEO should have opened her meeting
with the department heads by declaring “I have
created a new Senior Vice President role,
reporting to me, who will oversee this part of
the business.”
After those openings, people will be interested
in hearing the rest. Or, they may surprise you
with instant agreement and there may be little
more to discuss.
Here’s what I’ve come to realize: I almost
always overestimate how difficult it is for the
other person to hear what I have to say. People
are resilient. I’m usually more uncomfortable
delivering a difficult message than the other
person is receiving it.
Next time you have a conversation you’re
dreading, lead with the part you’re dreading.
Get to the conclusion in the first sentence.
Cringe fast and cringe early. It’s a simple move
that few of us make consistently because it
requires emotional courage. At least the first
time.
But the more you do it, the easier and more
natural it becomes. Being direct and upfront
does not mean being callous or unnecessarily
harsh. In fact, it’s the opposite; done with care,
being direct is far more considerate.
And it doesn’t just reduce angst, it saves time
as well. Shari wasn’t happy about not running
the program at Ganta, but she understood why
and accepted the decision quickly. Much more
quickly than it took me to introduce it to her.
You’re Dreading
by PETER BREGMAN
Comments (53) | July 7, 2014
I anticipated that the conversation would be
difficult.
Shari* and I had worked together for many
years, and I knew she was expecting me to hire
her to run a leadership program for one of my
clients, Ganta, a high-tech company. But I
didn’t think Shari was the right fit for Ganta or,
frankly, for the role of running the leadership
training. In fact, I had become increasingly
critical of her recent performance, though I
hadn’t mentioned anything to her about it yet.
That was my first mistake. I should have said
something before it got to this point.
So why didn’t I? I’d love to claim that it was
because I liked her, and I didn’t want to hurt
her feelings. Or because I hoped things would
get better without my intervention.
And while those things were true, there was a
deeper truth: I was afraid of the cringe moment.
Do you know that uneasy moment – right as
you’re saying something that feels risky, but
before the person responds? That’s the cringe
moment.
In other words, I delayed speaking with Shari
because I was afraid of how I would feel giving
her the negative feedback : awkward,
uncomfortable, and maybe even unreasonable.
But I couldn’t avoid it anymore. And because I
had waited so long, the conversation promised
to be even more awkward and uncomfortable.
And now that she was getting a more extreme
message with no warning, I would feel – and
appear – even more unreasonable. The cringe
quotient had gone up.
The day of the difficult conversation, I felt
anxious as Shari came into my office. We
shared a few pleasantries and then I began. I
told her that I knew she wanted to run the
leadership program at Ganta. I talked to her
about the complexities and challenges of the
leadership program and of Ganta in general.
And I spoke with her about my frustrations with
her recent performance. She asked me
questions and I offered explanations and
examples.
I did such a good job avoiding the cringe
moment that, 30 minutes into the conversation,
I still had not clearly communicated to Shari
whether I was firing her or hiring her. My
build-up was equally appropriate as context for
either.
Finally, she did it for me. “So,” she asked, “Are
you saying that you don’t want me to lead this
program or you do?”
Now that I’m aware of it, I see my own behavior
in leaders everywhere. Standing in front of the
room, one senior VP slowly constructed a case
to close a business. But he never got to his
conclusion as people began debating
unimportant details related to his argument
before they even knew where he was headed.
In another case, a CEO sat in a meeting of
department heads with the intention of telling
them she was creating a new position to which
they would all report. But she lost them as she
spent the first 20 minutes giving context to a
decision she hadn’t yet announced. As one
person later told me, “All of the context was
lost on me as I was trying to guess what she
was getting at. It was a complete waste of
time.”
The intellectual reason we build a case, or give
context, to a difficult decision before
announcing it is because we want to convey
that the decision is well-thought out, rational,
and an inevitable conclusion to the facts. But
since the listeners don’t know what decision is
being made, they have no context for the
context and it all feels meaningless.
The emotional reason we give such long
introductions to hard decisions is because we
are procrastinating. We’re delaying the cringe
feeling.
But this delay is counterproductive; it only
stretches and deepens the discomfort of
everyone involved.
The solution is simple and straightforward:
Lead with the punchline.
What should I have said to Shari? “Thanks for
coming in, Shari. I am not going to have you
run the leadership program with Ganta, and I’d
like you to understand why . . . ”
The senior VP should have started by saying, “I
have come to the conclusion that we should
close XXX business.”
And the CEO should have opened her meeting
with the department heads by declaring “I have
created a new Senior Vice President role,
reporting to me, who will oversee this part of
the business.”
After those openings, people will be interested
in hearing the rest. Or, they may surprise you
with instant agreement and there may be little
more to discuss.
Here’s what I’ve come to realize: I almost
always overestimate how difficult it is for the
other person to hear what I have to say. People
are resilient. I’m usually more uncomfortable
delivering a difficult message than the other
person is receiving it.
Next time you have a conversation you’re
dreading, lead with the part you’re dreading.
Get to the conclusion in the first sentence.
Cringe fast and cringe early. It’s a simple move
that few of us make consistently because it
requires emotional courage. At least the first
time.
But the more you do it, the easier and more
natural it becomes. Being direct and upfront
does not mean being callous or unnecessarily
harsh. In fact, it’s the opposite; done with care,
being direct is far more considerate.
And it doesn’t just reduce angst, it saves time
as well. Shari wasn’t happy about not running
the program at Ganta, but she understood why
and accepted the decision quickly. Much more
quickly than it took me to introduce it to her.
Don't blame that kid
Genes that influence
children's reading skills also
affect their maths
Study suggests that half of the genes that
affect 12-year-olds' literacy also play a
role in their abilities in mathematics
Many of the genes that play a role in reading
ability among schoolchildren also affect their
numeracy.
Many of the genes that affect how well a
child can read at secondary school have
an impact on their maths skills too,
researchers say.
Scientists found that around half of the
genes that influenced the literacy of 12-
year-olds also played a role in their
mathematical abilities. The findings
suggest that hundreds and possibly
thousands of subtle DNA changes in
genes combine to help shape a child's
performance in both reading and
mathematics.
But while genetic factors are important,
environmental influences, such as home
life and schooling, contributed roughly
the same amount as genetics in the
children studied, the researchers said.
"Children differ genetically in how easy
or difficult they find learning, and we
need to recognise, and respect, these
individual differences," said Robert
Plomin, professor of behavioural genetics
at Kings College London and an author
on the study.
"Finding such strong genetic influence
does not mean that there is nothing we
can do if a child finds learning difficult.
Heritability does not imply that anything
is set in stone. It just means it may take
more effort from parents, schools and
teachers to bring the child up to speed."
In the study, 12-year old twins and
unrelated children from around 2,800
British families were assessed for reading
comprehension and fluency, and tested
on mathematics questions from the UK
national curriculum. This information
was then analysed alongside the
children's DNA.
Oliver Davis , a geneticist at University
College London, said: "We looked at this
question in two ways, by comparing the
similarity of thousands of twins, and by
measuring millions of tiny differences in
their DNA. Both analyses show that
similar collections of subtle DNA
differences are important for reading and
maths."
The study did not identify specific genes
linked to numeracy or literacy, and
researchers do not know what the
various gene variants do. But they may
affect brain development and function,
or other biological processes that are
important for learning both skills.
The findings build on previous studies
showing that genetic variations among
British schoolchildren explain most of
the differences in how well they perform
in exams.
Writing in the journal Nature
Communications, the authors explain
that understanding how genes affect
children's abilities "increases our
chances of developing effective learning
environments that will help individuals
attain the highest level of literacy and
numeracy, increasingly important skills
in the modern world".
Chris Spencer at Oxford University said:
"We're moving into a world where
analysing millions of DNA changes, in
thousands of individuals, is a routine tool
in helping scientists to understand
aspects of human biology. This study
used the technique to help investigate
the overlap in the genetic component of
reading and maths ability in children.
Interestingly, the same method can be
applied to pretty much any human trait,
for example to identify new links
between diseases, or the way in which
people respond to treatments."
children's reading skills also
affect their maths
Study suggests that half of the genes that
affect 12-year-olds' literacy also play a
role in their abilities in mathematics
Many of the genes that play a role in reading
ability among schoolchildren also affect their
numeracy.
Many of the genes that affect how well a
child can read at secondary school have
an impact on their maths skills too,
researchers say.
Scientists found that around half of the
genes that influenced the literacy of 12-
year-olds also played a role in their
mathematical abilities. The findings
suggest that hundreds and possibly
thousands of subtle DNA changes in
genes combine to help shape a child's
performance in both reading and
mathematics.
But while genetic factors are important,
environmental influences, such as home
life and schooling, contributed roughly
the same amount as genetics in the
children studied, the researchers said.
"Children differ genetically in how easy
or difficult they find learning, and we
need to recognise, and respect, these
individual differences," said Robert
Plomin, professor of behavioural genetics
at Kings College London and an author
on the study.
"Finding such strong genetic influence
does not mean that there is nothing we
can do if a child finds learning difficult.
Heritability does not imply that anything
is set in stone. It just means it may take
more effort from parents, schools and
teachers to bring the child up to speed."
In the study, 12-year old twins and
unrelated children from around 2,800
British families were assessed for reading
comprehension and fluency, and tested
on mathematics questions from the UK
national curriculum. This information
was then analysed alongside the
children's DNA.
Oliver Davis , a geneticist at University
College London, said: "We looked at this
question in two ways, by comparing the
similarity of thousands of twins, and by
measuring millions of tiny differences in
their DNA. Both analyses show that
similar collections of subtle DNA
differences are important for reading and
maths."
The study did not identify specific genes
linked to numeracy or literacy, and
researchers do not know what the
various gene variants do. But they may
affect brain development and function,
or other biological processes that are
important for learning both skills.
The findings build on previous studies
showing that genetic variations among
British schoolchildren explain most of
the differences in how well they perform
in exams.
Writing in the journal Nature
Communications, the authors explain
that understanding how genes affect
children's abilities "increases our
chances of developing effective learning
environments that will help individuals
attain the highest level of literacy and
numeracy, increasingly important skills
in the modern world".
Chris Spencer at Oxford University said:
"We're moving into a world where
analysing millions of DNA changes, in
thousands of individuals, is a routine tool
in helping scientists to understand
aspects of human biology. This study
used the technique to help investigate
the overlap in the genetic component of
reading and maths ability in children.
Interestingly, the same method can be
applied to pretty much any human trait,
for example to identify new links
between diseases, or the way in which
people respond to treatments."
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
My husband wants to control everything I do
My marriage is just two months old; but my
husband and I are having the kind of
problem that makes me very dizzy each
time I think about it.
The painful thing is that I didn ’ t in anyway
envisage this kind of problem in our lives. I
just assumed that what I grew up knowing
is the right thing . I grew up to the
knowledge of my parents sharing a
bedroom while he grew in a home where
both parents had their different rooms but
kept one account .
We are both members of the same church ;
our parents became friends as a result of
their working relationships; they are both
pastors hence arranged for my husband and
I to marry.
We only courted for four months before our
parents arranged our wedding ceremony .
We had very little to say to each other
during the courtship because we had people
monitoring what we did or said .
I honestly thought it would be easy given
the disposition of my mother to whatever
her husband says. But finding myself in a
marriage where my husband wants
everything his way , isn ’ t working for me.
I ’ m just 24 years of age . What would I be
doing in a room all by myself when I ’ m
supposed to be married ? Even though I
grew up in very strict Christian home , I ’ m
exposed enough to know what I want in my
marriage . There are things my mother is
enduring that I won ’ t accommodate in my
marriage . I want to be my husband’ s friend ;
not a kind of slave that waits on her
husband without asking one single
question.
On the other hand, my husband wants that
kind of wife . Apart from not wanting to
share a room with me; he gave me a time
table of what to cook . Initially I didn ’ t kick
against it but when I visited his parents and
the father asked if I got the time -table he
sent to me; it dawned on me that his father
sent it.
His father did not stop at asking me how
much I earn, he even went ahead to lecture
me on how a good woman submits her
everything to her husband. Right in my
presence , he outlined how my salary should
be spent; how much was to come to me
and how I should even spend that.
That is the challenge I ’ m having as my
husband wants to control everything I do .
He wants to buy my clothes and make the
decision on the kind of hairstyle I make .
The truth is , I cannot give him my salary. I
don’ t know how much he earns so why
should I give him my salary under the guise
of us keeping a joint account ? Surely the
Bible doesn ’ t instruct women to become
slaves in their own homes just to please
their husbands ?
My mother has a shop and decides what to
do with her money. Even though she has
her assigned financial responsibility in the
home, she still gets to keep her money .
The argument of my husband against us
keeping a room has to do with his desire to
pray always. He says I would be a
distraction to him if we both stay together
in a room.
Since marrying him ; we only make love
when he feels like it and never when I want
it. One of the occasions I demanded for it,
he told me in very clear language that it
was improper for me to make such
demands and went ahead to lecture me on
the need for self -control ending it as the
reason he is against a man and woman
sharing the same bedroom.
I can ’ t talk to my mother because we don ’ t
have that kind of relationship. You are the
only one I can talk to. Please help me.
Laitan .
Dear Laitan ,
Marriage is about patience , understanding
and tolerance. There is nothing to be
gained by insisting on doing things your
own way or his way . Both of you must find
that point of equilibrium if you hope to stay
together forever . Marriage is a journey of
selflessness and compromises .
You must appreciate that marriage is a
journey of no return . You are married and
will never be welcomed back into your
home.
That man you are married to is now your
new family ; whether you like it or not ; those
things you grew up knowing have to give
way to what he wants. But this is not to say
that all his points are right; no far from it.
However, your success at having your way
with him would depend on how you handle
this crisis . If you keep insisting that you
want things done the way your parents are
doing it, it won ’ t work because this is your
marriage and not that of your parents . They
made their choice; you made your
decisions.
Whatever made you drop your maiden name
for his ’ , must also make you fight to keep
your new name and family with all the
passion needed to have a successful home .
He has said, he doesn ’ t want to share a
room with you. Whether you like it or not ,
for now don ’ t fight it. Unlike you who have
no right to insist on certain things you grew
up knowing; he has the right to insist .
Granted it appears unfair ; but you cannot
change the ordinance of God? If He wanted
women to be in charge , the men would
have been the ones dropping their family
names for ours .
Being stubborn has never won any marital
battle for any woman . The more you insist
on a particular thing , the more determined
the man becomes to assert his authority .
The only way you can win is by stooping to
conquer . Be humble in your fight and apply
wisdom . He has never had the opportunity
of seeing his parents share a bedroom. It is
up to you to show him the advantage of
waking up on the same bed with your
partner every morning and going to the
same bed with the same person every
night . The night he spends in your room or
you in his room ; when he gets up to pray;
kneel by his side and say amen to his
prayers. End it by asking God to make your
home a very happy one and to bless your
husband.
Rather than be a distraction to his prayers ,
encourage him and be his ally whenever
you are in the room together. If he
discovers you are actually a blessing to him
whenever he shares your bed; he would
want more of you in every area of his life .
Apart from sex, ask him about his job and
think of ways you can help him improve on
it. If you don’ t know, take interest by going
through the internet for helpful hints you
can share in the bedroom with him at night .
At first it might be like dropping water in an
ocean but , if you are patient and prayerful,
you will begin to experience changes .
As for the list he brought back from his
parents; keep it. Pretend it is no big deal
but find ways around it through his favorite
food. He must have that food he likes
eating everyday if possible . Find out and
become an expert at cooking it . Add a new
dimension by going the extra mile at
turning meal times to interesting feasts.
Introduce home fresh juice ; apart from the
fruits , get yourself a good food processor or
juicer. Ensure he comes home to different
kinds of juice every day . By giving him
something different to look forward to
everyday, you make him forget the so called
list without even arguing it with him .
You are his queen and wife . Refusing to
allow that tiny piece of paper affect the
relationship between you and him, you get
to keep his heart forever. He would even
defend you whenever his father brings up
the subject after- all , they don’ t live with
you.
As for the issue of joint account , it is also
something you can change without fighting
him at all . Find a way of agreeing to put a
specific amount of money into the account
every month. What he wants is information
of how much you earn; let him have it along
with how you spend your salary every
month. For instance, he must know your
financial obligations to your family and the
reason you cannot stop it as it would affect
his image should you stop helping your
family .
By telling him what you can comfortably
give him at the end of every month, you
make light whatever issue he plans to raise
against you on the issue of having a joint
account . The advantage is that, he would
not expect you to spend additional money
outside the agreed sum you give which
means he has to make up if there is a
shortfall in your budget for the month unlike
when you have to keep subsidizing after he
gives you the feeding allowances for the
month.
As for sex; the secret password is dressing
it. Your Christian background
notwithstanding, you have needs like every
other couple . Go for nightgowns that
scream sexy to ignite his mood . By then ,
you won ’ t be the one asking for it ; he
would be the one all over you. It is a simple
matter of knowing how to use your God
given wisdom to manipulate him to
succumb to your wishes.
Honestly , there is nothing new in what is
happening in your home . At one time or the
other , every woman goes through such
issues. The trick is never to fight, give
yourselves time to get used to each other
and have faith in the God that brought both
of you together. His parents or yours are
secondary issues once you are able to iron
out your personal differences.
husband and I are having the kind of
problem that makes me very dizzy each
time I think about it.
The painful thing is that I didn ’ t in anyway
envisage this kind of problem in our lives. I
just assumed that what I grew up knowing
is the right thing . I grew up to the
knowledge of my parents sharing a
bedroom while he grew in a home where
both parents had their different rooms but
kept one account .
We are both members of the same church ;
our parents became friends as a result of
their working relationships; they are both
pastors hence arranged for my husband and
I to marry.
We only courted for four months before our
parents arranged our wedding ceremony .
We had very little to say to each other
during the courtship because we had people
monitoring what we did or said .
I honestly thought it would be easy given
the disposition of my mother to whatever
her husband says. But finding myself in a
marriage where my husband wants
everything his way , isn ’ t working for me.
I ’ m just 24 years of age . What would I be
doing in a room all by myself when I ’ m
supposed to be married ? Even though I
grew up in very strict Christian home , I ’ m
exposed enough to know what I want in my
marriage . There are things my mother is
enduring that I won ’ t accommodate in my
marriage . I want to be my husband’ s friend ;
not a kind of slave that waits on her
husband without asking one single
question.
On the other hand, my husband wants that
kind of wife . Apart from not wanting to
share a room with me; he gave me a time
table of what to cook . Initially I didn ’ t kick
against it but when I visited his parents and
the father asked if I got the time -table he
sent to me; it dawned on me that his father
sent it.
His father did not stop at asking me how
much I earn, he even went ahead to lecture
me on how a good woman submits her
everything to her husband. Right in my
presence , he outlined how my salary should
be spent; how much was to come to me
and how I should even spend that.
That is the challenge I ’ m having as my
husband wants to control everything I do .
He wants to buy my clothes and make the
decision on the kind of hairstyle I make .
The truth is , I cannot give him my salary. I
don’ t know how much he earns so why
should I give him my salary under the guise
of us keeping a joint account ? Surely the
Bible doesn ’ t instruct women to become
slaves in their own homes just to please
their husbands ?
My mother has a shop and decides what to
do with her money. Even though she has
her assigned financial responsibility in the
home, she still gets to keep her money .
The argument of my husband against us
keeping a room has to do with his desire to
pray always. He says I would be a
distraction to him if we both stay together
in a room.
Since marrying him ; we only make love
when he feels like it and never when I want
it. One of the occasions I demanded for it,
he told me in very clear language that it
was improper for me to make such
demands and went ahead to lecture me on
the need for self -control ending it as the
reason he is against a man and woman
sharing the same bedroom.
I can ’ t talk to my mother because we don ’ t
have that kind of relationship. You are the
only one I can talk to. Please help me.
Laitan .
Dear Laitan ,
Marriage is about patience , understanding
and tolerance. There is nothing to be
gained by insisting on doing things your
own way or his way . Both of you must find
that point of equilibrium if you hope to stay
together forever . Marriage is a journey of
selflessness and compromises .
You must appreciate that marriage is a
journey of no return . You are married and
will never be welcomed back into your
home.
That man you are married to is now your
new family ; whether you like it or not ; those
things you grew up knowing have to give
way to what he wants. But this is not to say
that all his points are right; no far from it.
However, your success at having your way
with him would depend on how you handle
this crisis . If you keep insisting that you
want things done the way your parents are
doing it, it won ’ t work because this is your
marriage and not that of your parents . They
made their choice; you made your
decisions.
Whatever made you drop your maiden name
for his ’ , must also make you fight to keep
your new name and family with all the
passion needed to have a successful home .
He has said, he doesn ’ t want to share a
room with you. Whether you like it or not ,
for now don ’ t fight it. Unlike you who have
no right to insist on certain things you grew
up knowing; he has the right to insist .
Granted it appears unfair ; but you cannot
change the ordinance of God? If He wanted
women to be in charge , the men would
have been the ones dropping their family
names for ours .
Being stubborn has never won any marital
battle for any woman . The more you insist
on a particular thing , the more determined
the man becomes to assert his authority .
The only way you can win is by stooping to
conquer . Be humble in your fight and apply
wisdom . He has never had the opportunity
of seeing his parents share a bedroom. It is
up to you to show him the advantage of
waking up on the same bed with your
partner every morning and going to the
same bed with the same person every
night . The night he spends in your room or
you in his room ; when he gets up to pray;
kneel by his side and say amen to his
prayers. End it by asking God to make your
home a very happy one and to bless your
husband.
Rather than be a distraction to his prayers ,
encourage him and be his ally whenever
you are in the room together. If he
discovers you are actually a blessing to him
whenever he shares your bed; he would
want more of you in every area of his life .
Apart from sex, ask him about his job and
think of ways you can help him improve on
it. If you don’ t know, take interest by going
through the internet for helpful hints you
can share in the bedroom with him at night .
At first it might be like dropping water in an
ocean but , if you are patient and prayerful,
you will begin to experience changes .
As for the list he brought back from his
parents; keep it. Pretend it is no big deal
but find ways around it through his favorite
food. He must have that food he likes
eating everyday if possible . Find out and
become an expert at cooking it . Add a new
dimension by going the extra mile at
turning meal times to interesting feasts.
Introduce home fresh juice ; apart from the
fruits , get yourself a good food processor or
juicer. Ensure he comes home to different
kinds of juice every day . By giving him
something different to look forward to
everyday, you make him forget the so called
list without even arguing it with him .
You are his queen and wife . Refusing to
allow that tiny piece of paper affect the
relationship between you and him, you get
to keep his heart forever. He would even
defend you whenever his father brings up
the subject after- all , they don’ t live with
you.
As for the issue of joint account , it is also
something you can change without fighting
him at all . Find a way of agreeing to put a
specific amount of money into the account
every month. What he wants is information
of how much you earn; let him have it along
with how you spend your salary every
month. For instance, he must know your
financial obligations to your family and the
reason you cannot stop it as it would affect
his image should you stop helping your
family .
By telling him what you can comfortably
give him at the end of every month, you
make light whatever issue he plans to raise
against you on the issue of having a joint
account . The advantage is that, he would
not expect you to spend additional money
outside the agreed sum you give which
means he has to make up if there is a
shortfall in your budget for the month unlike
when you have to keep subsidizing after he
gives you the feeding allowances for the
month.
As for sex; the secret password is dressing
it. Your Christian background
notwithstanding, you have needs like every
other couple . Go for nightgowns that
scream sexy to ignite his mood . By then ,
you won ’ t be the one asking for it ; he
would be the one all over you. It is a simple
matter of knowing how to use your God
given wisdom to manipulate him to
succumb to your wishes.
Honestly , there is nothing new in what is
happening in your home . At one time or the
other , every woman goes through such
issues. The trick is never to fight, give
yourselves time to get used to each other
and have faith in the God that brought both
of you together. His parents or yours are
secondary issues once you are able to iron
out your personal differences.
The neuroscience of positive thinking
Why do negative comments and conversations
stick with us so much longer than positive
ones?
A critique from a boss, a disagreement with a
colleague, a fight with a friend – the sting from
any of these can make you forget a month’s
worth of praise or accord. If you’ve been called
lazy, careless, or a disappointment, you’re
likely to remember and internalize it. It’s
somehow easier to forget, or discount, all the
times people have said you’re talented or
conscientious or that you make them proud.
Chemistry plays a big role in this phenomenon.
When we face criticism, rejection or fear, when
we feel marginalized or minimized, our bodies
produce higher levels of cortisol, a hormone
that shuts down the thinking center of our
brains and activates conflict aversion and
protection behaviors. We become more reactive
and sensitive. We often perceive even greater
judgment and negativity than actually exists.
And these effects can last for 26 hours or
more, imprinting the interaction on our
memories and magnifying the impact it has on
our future behavior. Cortisol functions like a
sustained-release tablet – the more we
ruminate about our fear, the longer the impact.
Positive comments and conversations produce
a chemical reaction too. They spur the
production of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone
that elevates our ability to communicate,
collaborate and trust others by activating
networks in our prefrontal cortex. But oxytocin
metabolizes more quickly than cortisol, so its
effects are less dramatic and long-lasting.
This “chemistry of conversations” is why it’s
so critical for all of us –especially managers –
to be more mindful about our interactions.
Behaviors that increase cortisol levels reduce
what I call “Conversational Intelligence” or “C-
IQ,” or a person’s ability to connect and think
innovatively, empathetically, creatively and
strategically with others. Behaviors that spark
oxytocin, by contrast, raise C-IQ.
Over the past 30 years, I’ve helped leaders at
companies including Boehringer Ingelheim,
Clairol, Donna Karen, Exide Technologies,
Burberry, and Coach learn to boost performance
with better C-IQ. Recently, my consultancy, The
CreatingWE Institute , also partnered with Ryan
Smith, CEO of Qualtrics , the world’s largest
online survey software company, to analyze the
frequency of negative (cortisol-producing)
versus positive (oxytocin-producing)
interactions in today’s workplaces. We asked
managers how often they engaged in several
behaviors — some positive, and others negative
— on a scale of 0 through 5, in which 0 was
“never” and 5 was “always.”
The good news is that managers appear to be
using positive, oxytocin and C-IQ elevating
behaviors more often than negative behaviors.
Survey respondents said that they exhibited all
five positive behaviors, such as “showing
concern for others” more frequently than all five
negative ones, such as “pretending to be
listening.” However, most respondents –
approximately 85% — also admitted to
“sometimes” acting in ways that could derail
not only specific interactions but also future
relationships. And, unfortunately, when leaders
exhibit both types of behaviors it creates
dissonance or uncertainty in followers’ brains,
spurring cortisol production and reducing CI-Q.
Consider Rob, a senior executive from Verizon.
He thought of himself as a “best practices”
leader who told people what to do, set clear
goals, and challenged his team to produce high
quality results. But when one of his direct
reports had a minor heart attack, and three
others asked HR to move to be transferred off
his team, he realized there was a problem.
Observing Rob’s conversational patterns for a
few weeks, I saw clearly that the negative
(cortisol-producing) behaviors easily
outweighed the positive (oxytocin-producing)
behaviors. Instead of asking questions to
stimulate discussion, showing concern for
others, and painting a compelling picture of
shared success, his tendency was to tell and
sell his ideas, entering most discussions with a
fixed opinion, determined to convince others he
was right. He was not open to others’
influence; he failed to listen to connect.
When I explained this to Rob, and told him
about the chemical impact his behavior was
having on his employees, he vowed to change,
and it worked. A few weeks later, a member of
his team even asked me: “What did you give
my boss to drink?”
I’m not suggesting that you can’t ever demand
results or deliver difficult feedback. But it’s
important to do so in a way that is perceived
as inclusive and supportive, thereby limiting
cortisol production and hopefully stimulating
oxytocin instead. Be mindful of the behaviors
that open us up, and those that close us down,
in our relationships. Harness the chemistry of
conversations.
Choose the right words in an argument
When addressing a conflict with a colleague,
the words matter. Sometimes, regardless of
how good your intentions are, what you say
can further upset your coworker and just make
the issue worse. Other times you might say the
exact thing that helps the person go from
boiling mad to cool as a cucumber.
So, when things start to heat up with a
colleague — you don’t see eye-to-eye on a
project or you aren’t happy with the way you
were treated in a meeting, for example — how
can you choose your words carefully? To help
answer this question, I talked with Linda Hill,
the Wallace Brett Donham Professor of
Business Administration at Harvard Business
School and faculty chair of the Leadership
Initiative. She is also the co-author
of Collective Genius: The Art and Practice of
Leading Innovation and Being the Boss: The 3
Imperatives for Becoming a Great Leader .
Hill explained that the words we use in
confrontations can get us into trouble for three
reasons:
First, the stakes are usually high when
emotions are. “With conflict, there are typically
negative emotions involved, and most of us
aren’t comfortable with those kinds of feelings,”
she says. Our discomfort can make us fumble
over our words or say things we don’t mean.
The second reason that we often say the wrong
thing is because our first instincts are usually
off. In fact, it’s often the words we lead with
that get us into so much trouble. “That’s
because too often we end up framing the issue
as who’s right or who’s wrong,” she says.
Instead of trying to understand what’s really
happening in a disagreement, we advocate for
our position. Hill admits that it’s normal to be
defensive and even to blame the other person,
but saying “You’re wrong” or “Let me tell you
how I’m right” will make matters worse. “We’re
often building a case for why we’re right. Let
that go and focus on trying to resolve the
conflict,” she says.
Third, there’s often misalignment between what
we mean when we say something and what the
other person hears. “It doesn’t matter if your
intent is honorable if your impact is not,” Hill
says. Most people are very aware of what they
meant to say but are less tuned into what the
other person heard or how they interpreted it.
So how do you avoid these traps? Hill says it’s
not always easy but by following a few rules of
thumb, you’ll have a better chance of resolving
the conflict instead of inciting it:
Say nothing. “If the emotional level is high,
your first task is to take some of the emotion
out,” she says. “Often that means sitting back
and letting someone vent.”
The trouble is, Hill says, that we often stop
people before they’ve gotten enough of the
emotion out. “Hold back and let them say their
piece. You don’t have to agree with it, but
listen,” she says. While you’re doing this, you
might be completely quiet or you might
indicate you’re listening by using phrases like,
“I get that” or “I understand.” Avoid saying
anything that assigns feeling or blame, like
“Calm down” or “What you need to understand
is.” If you can do this effectively, without
judging, you’ll soon be able to have a
productive conversation.
Ask questions. Hill says that it’s better to ask
questions than make statements. Instead of
thinking about what you want to say, consider
what you want to learn. This will help you get
to the root cause of the conflict and set you up
to resolve it. You can ask questions like, “Why
did that upset you?” or “How are you seeing
this situation?” Use phrases that make you
appear more receptive to a genuine dialogue.
Once you’ve heard the other person’s
perspective, Hill suggests you paraphrase and
ask, “I think you said X, did I get that right?”
Own your part. Don’t act like there is only one
view of the problem at hand. “You need to own
your perception. Start sentences with ‘I’ not
‘you,’” Hill says. This will help the other person
see your perspective and understand that
you’re not trying to blame them for the
problem. Instead of saying “You must be
uncomfortable”, try “I’m feeling pretty
uncomfortable.” Don’t attribute emotions to
other people. That just makes them mad.
So, how do you choose the right words to use
in a conflict? Of course, every situation is
different and what you say will depend on the
content of what you’re discussing, your
relationship with the other person, and the
culture of your organization, but these
suggestions may help you get started:
Scenario #1: You have a criticism or dissent to
offer. Perhaps you disagree with the popular
perspective or perhaps you’re talking to
someone more powerful than you.
Hill suggests you get to the underlying reason
for the initiative, policy, or approach that you’re
disagreeing with. Figure out why the person
thinks this is a reasonable proposal. You can
say something like, “Sam, I want to understand
what we’re trying to accomplish with this
initiative. Can you go back and explain the
reasoning behind it?” or “What are we trying to
get done here?” Get Sam to talk more about
what he’s up to and why. Then you can present
a few options for how to accomplish the same
goal using a different approach: “If I understand
you correctly, you’re trying to accomplish x, y,
and z. I’m wondering if there’s a different way
to approach this. Perhaps we can…”
In a situation like this, you also want to
consider the venue. “You may be able to have
a more candid discussion with someone if it’s
one-on-one meeting rather than in front of a
group,” she says.
Scenario #2: You have bad news to deliver to
your boss or another coworker. You missed a
deadline, made a mistake, or otherwise screwed
up.
Hills says the best approach here is to get to
the point: “I have some news to share that I’m
not proud of. I should’ve told you sooner, but
here’s where we are.” Then describe the
situation. If you have a few solutions, offer
them up: “These are my ideas about how we
might address this. What are your thoughts?”
It’s important to own up that you made a
mistake and not try to point out all the reasons
you did what you did.
Scenario #3: You approach a coworker about
something he or she messed up.
Here you don’t want to launch in right away,
Hill says, but ask permission to speak to the
person about what happened: “Mary, can I have
a moment to talk to you about something?”
Then describe what happened. You can say:
“I’m a little confused about what occurred and
why it occurred. I want to discuss it with you to
see how we can move this forward.” Use
phrases like “I understand that X happened…”
so that if Mary sees the situation differently,
she can disagree with your perspective. But
don’t harp too long on what happened. Focus
on figuring out a solution by engaging her with
something like: “What can we do about this?”
Scenario #4: You approach a colleague about
feeling mistreated or you’re upset about
something he or she said.
Hill points out that this is a good place to talk
about the difference in intent versus impact.
After all, you don’t know what your coworker’s
intent was; you only know that you’re upset.
You can start off with something like: “Carl, It’s
a little bit awkward for me to approach you
about this, but I heard that you said X. I don’t
know whether it’s true or not. Regardless, I
thought I should come to you because I’m
pretty upset and I thought we should talk about
it.” The focus shouldn’t be on blaming the
person but airing your feelings and trying to get
to a resolution: “I want to understand what
happened so that we can have a conversation
about it.”
If Carl gets defensive, you can point out that
you aren’t questioning his intent. “I’m not
talking about what you intended. I thought it
was better to clear the air, rather than stewing
about it. Would you agree?”
Scenario #5: A colleague yells at you because
of something you said or did.
This is where you might stay quiet at first and
let them vent. People usually run out of steam
pretty quickly if you don’t reciprocate. Keep in
mind though, Hill says, that you never deserve
to be yelled at. You might say: “I realize that
I’ve done something to upset you. I don’t
respond well to being yelled at. Can we sit
down when I can be better prepared to have a
conversation about this?”
Scenario #6: You’re managing someone who
engages in conflict regularly and is annoying or
upsetting the other people on your team.
Sometimes you have a hothead on your team
— someone who seems to even enjoy conflict.
Of course disagreements aren’t always a bad
thing, but you need to help the person explore
how he might be damaging his reputation and
relationships. You can try something like: “I
like having you around because from where I
sit, you raise important issues and feel strongly
about them. I also know you’re well-
intentioned. I’d like to talk you about whether
you’re having the impact you want to have.”
Get him to think through the consequences of
his regular battles.
Of course, even if you follow this advice,
sometimes there just aren’t the right words and
it’s not possible to have a constructive
discussion. “Occasionally, you need to let it go
and come back to it another time when you can
both have the conversation,” says Hill. It’s OK
to walk away and return to the discussion later,
when you’re ready to make a smart and
thoughtful choice about the words you want to
use.
the words matter. Sometimes, regardless of
how good your intentions are, what you say
can further upset your coworker and just make
the issue worse. Other times you might say the
exact thing that helps the person go from
boiling mad to cool as a cucumber.
So, when things start to heat up with a
colleague — you don’t see eye-to-eye on a
project or you aren’t happy with the way you
were treated in a meeting, for example — how
can you choose your words carefully? To help
answer this question, I talked with Linda Hill,
the Wallace Brett Donham Professor of
Business Administration at Harvard Business
School and faculty chair of the Leadership
Initiative. She is also the co-author
of Collective Genius: The Art and Practice of
Leading Innovation and Being the Boss: The 3
Imperatives for Becoming a Great Leader .
Hill explained that the words we use in
confrontations can get us into trouble for three
reasons:
First, the stakes are usually high when
emotions are. “With conflict, there are typically
negative emotions involved, and most of us
aren’t comfortable with those kinds of feelings,”
she says. Our discomfort can make us fumble
over our words or say things we don’t mean.
The second reason that we often say the wrong
thing is because our first instincts are usually
off. In fact, it’s often the words we lead with
that get us into so much trouble. “That’s
because too often we end up framing the issue
as who’s right or who’s wrong,” she says.
Instead of trying to understand what’s really
happening in a disagreement, we advocate for
our position. Hill admits that it’s normal to be
defensive and even to blame the other person,
but saying “You’re wrong” or “Let me tell you
how I’m right” will make matters worse. “We’re
often building a case for why we’re right. Let
that go and focus on trying to resolve the
conflict,” she says.
Third, there’s often misalignment between what
we mean when we say something and what the
other person hears. “It doesn’t matter if your
intent is honorable if your impact is not,” Hill
says. Most people are very aware of what they
meant to say but are less tuned into what the
other person heard or how they interpreted it.
So how do you avoid these traps? Hill says it’s
not always easy but by following a few rules of
thumb, you’ll have a better chance of resolving
the conflict instead of inciting it:
Say nothing. “If the emotional level is high,
your first task is to take some of the emotion
out,” she says. “Often that means sitting back
and letting someone vent.”
The trouble is, Hill says, that we often stop
people before they’ve gotten enough of the
emotion out. “Hold back and let them say their
piece. You don’t have to agree with it, but
listen,” she says. While you’re doing this, you
might be completely quiet or you might
indicate you’re listening by using phrases like,
“I get that” or “I understand.” Avoid saying
anything that assigns feeling or blame, like
“Calm down” or “What you need to understand
is.” If you can do this effectively, without
judging, you’ll soon be able to have a
productive conversation.
Ask questions. Hill says that it’s better to ask
questions than make statements. Instead of
thinking about what you want to say, consider
what you want to learn. This will help you get
to the root cause of the conflict and set you up
to resolve it. You can ask questions like, “Why
did that upset you?” or “How are you seeing
this situation?” Use phrases that make you
appear more receptive to a genuine dialogue.
Once you’ve heard the other person’s
perspective, Hill suggests you paraphrase and
ask, “I think you said X, did I get that right?”
Own your part. Don’t act like there is only one
view of the problem at hand. “You need to own
your perception. Start sentences with ‘I’ not
‘you,’” Hill says. This will help the other person
see your perspective and understand that
you’re not trying to blame them for the
problem. Instead of saying “You must be
uncomfortable”, try “I’m feeling pretty
uncomfortable.” Don’t attribute emotions to
other people. That just makes them mad.
So, how do you choose the right words to use
in a conflict? Of course, every situation is
different and what you say will depend on the
content of what you’re discussing, your
relationship with the other person, and the
culture of your organization, but these
suggestions may help you get started:
Scenario #1: You have a criticism or dissent to
offer. Perhaps you disagree with the popular
perspective or perhaps you’re talking to
someone more powerful than you.
Hill suggests you get to the underlying reason
for the initiative, policy, or approach that you’re
disagreeing with. Figure out why the person
thinks this is a reasonable proposal. You can
say something like, “Sam, I want to understand
what we’re trying to accomplish with this
initiative. Can you go back and explain the
reasoning behind it?” or “What are we trying to
get done here?” Get Sam to talk more about
what he’s up to and why. Then you can present
a few options for how to accomplish the same
goal using a different approach: “If I understand
you correctly, you’re trying to accomplish x, y,
and z. I’m wondering if there’s a different way
to approach this. Perhaps we can…”
In a situation like this, you also want to
consider the venue. “You may be able to have
a more candid discussion with someone if it’s
one-on-one meeting rather than in front of a
group,” she says.
Scenario #2: You have bad news to deliver to
your boss or another coworker. You missed a
deadline, made a mistake, or otherwise screwed
up.
Hills says the best approach here is to get to
the point: “I have some news to share that I’m
not proud of. I should’ve told you sooner, but
here’s where we are.” Then describe the
situation. If you have a few solutions, offer
them up: “These are my ideas about how we
might address this. What are your thoughts?”
It’s important to own up that you made a
mistake and not try to point out all the reasons
you did what you did.
Scenario #3: You approach a coworker about
something he or she messed up.
Here you don’t want to launch in right away,
Hill says, but ask permission to speak to the
person about what happened: “Mary, can I have
a moment to talk to you about something?”
Then describe what happened. You can say:
“I’m a little confused about what occurred and
why it occurred. I want to discuss it with you to
see how we can move this forward.” Use
phrases like “I understand that X happened…”
so that if Mary sees the situation differently,
she can disagree with your perspective. But
don’t harp too long on what happened. Focus
on figuring out a solution by engaging her with
something like: “What can we do about this?”
Scenario #4: You approach a colleague about
feeling mistreated or you’re upset about
something he or she said.
Hill points out that this is a good place to talk
about the difference in intent versus impact.
After all, you don’t know what your coworker’s
intent was; you only know that you’re upset.
You can start off with something like: “Carl, It’s
a little bit awkward for me to approach you
about this, but I heard that you said X. I don’t
know whether it’s true or not. Regardless, I
thought I should come to you because I’m
pretty upset and I thought we should talk about
it.” The focus shouldn’t be on blaming the
person but airing your feelings and trying to get
to a resolution: “I want to understand what
happened so that we can have a conversation
about it.”
If Carl gets defensive, you can point out that
you aren’t questioning his intent. “I’m not
talking about what you intended. I thought it
was better to clear the air, rather than stewing
about it. Would you agree?”
Scenario #5: A colleague yells at you because
of something you said or did.
This is where you might stay quiet at first and
let them vent. People usually run out of steam
pretty quickly if you don’t reciprocate. Keep in
mind though, Hill says, that you never deserve
to be yelled at. You might say: “I realize that
I’ve done something to upset you. I don’t
respond well to being yelled at. Can we sit
down when I can be better prepared to have a
conversation about this?”
Scenario #6: You’re managing someone who
engages in conflict regularly and is annoying or
upsetting the other people on your team.
Sometimes you have a hothead on your team
— someone who seems to even enjoy conflict.
Of course disagreements aren’t always a bad
thing, but you need to help the person explore
how he might be damaging his reputation and
relationships. You can try something like: “I
like having you around because from where I
sit, you raise important issues and feel strongly
about them. I also know you’re well-
intentioned. I’d like to talk you about whether
you’re having the impact you want to have.”
Get him to think through the consequences of
his regular battles.
Of course, even if you follow this advice,
sometimes there just aren’t the right words and
it’s not possible to have a constructive
discussion. “Occasionally, you need to let it go
and come back to it another time when you can
both have the conversation,” says Hill. It’s OK
to walk away and return to the discussion later,
when you’re ready to make a smart and
thoughtful choice about the words you want to
use.
Newly wed couple decapitated
A young newlywed couple in
northeastern Pakistan died a horrible death at the
hands of the bride's family in the latest honor
killing in the nation, police in Pakistan said
Saturday.
The couple, identified as Sajjad Ahmed, 26, and
Muawia Bibi, 18, were married by a Pakistani court
on June 18 against the wishes of the Bibi family,
Punjab police official Mohammad Ahsanullah told
CNN.
On Thursday, the bride's father and uncles lured
the couple back to the village of Satrah in Punjab
province, where Ahsanullah said the pair were tied
up and then decapitated.
Despite the fact that there were no outside
witnesses, family members turned themselves in to
police and are now jailed in the Sialkot district of
Punjab, Ahsanulluh said.
Such killings often originate from tribal
traditions in Pakistan and usually
happen in rural areas. Human rights
activists said bystanders, including
police, don't often interfere because the
killings are considered to be family
matters.
According to the United Nations, some
5,000 women are murdered by family
members in honor killings every year.
However, women's advocacy groups
believe the crime is underreported and
that the actual death toll from this all
too common crime is actually much
higher.
In Pakistan, 869 women were victims
of honor killings last year, according to
the country's human rights
commission .
Earlier in June, 18-year-old Saba
Masqood was found left for dead inside
of a sack in a canal in Pakistan, injured
by gunfire. She accused her brother
and father of shooting her because they
didn't approve of her marriage to a
neighbor. She survived, but many
aren't so lucky.
Last month, the death of a pregnant Pakistani
woman made headlines around the world.
Farzana Parveen, 25, was attacked with bricks by
about 20 people, including members of her
immediate family, police said. And her husband,
Mohammad Iqbal, told CNN that he had killed his
first wife six years ago so he could marry Parveen.
Pregnant Pakistani woman beaten to death with
bricks
northeastern Pakistan died a horrible death at the
hands of the bride's family in the latest honor
killing in the nation, police in Pakistan said
Saturday.
The couple, identified as Sajjad Ahmed, 26, and
Muawia Bibi, 18, were married by a Pakistani court
on June 18 against the wishes of the Bibi family,
Punjab police official Mohammad Ahsanullah told
CNN.
On Thursday, the bride's father and uncles lured
the couple back to the village of Satrah in Punjab
province, where Ahsanullah said the pair were tied
up and then decapitated.
Despite the fact that there were no outside
witnesses, family members turned themselves in to
police and are now jailed in the Sialkot district of
Punjab, Ahsanulluh said.
Such killings often originate from tribal
traditions in Pakistan and usually
happen in rural areas. Human rights
activists said bystanders, including
police, don't often interfere because the
killings are considered to be family
matters.
According to the United Nations, some
5,000 women are murdered by family
members in honor killings every year.
However, women's advocacy groups
believe the crime is underreported and
that the actual death toll from this all
too common crime is actually much
higher.
In Pakistan, 869 women were victims
of honor killings last year, according to
the country's human rights
commission .
Earlier in June, 18-year-old Saba
Masqood was found left for dead inside
of a sack in a canal in Pakistan, injured
by gunfire. She accused her brother
and father of shooting her because they
didn't approve of her marriage to a
neighbor. She survived, but many
aren't so lucky.
Last month, the death of a pregnant Pakistani
woman made headlines around the world.
Farzana Parveen, 25, was attacked with bricks by
about 20 people, including members of her
immediate family, police said. And her husband,
Mohammad Iqbal, told CNN that he had killed his
first wife six years ago so he could marry Parveen.
Pregnant Pakistani woman beaten to death with
bricks
Brazil is an economic slum.... companies like app believe in their potential
No, Steve Jobs declared. Apple wouldn’t
put a store in Brazil, with its “crazy” and
“super-high” taxation. This was 2010, and
Jobs was writing, bluntly, to an official in
Rio de Janeiro.
Four years later, Jobs’s successor had a
different message for Brazilians.
“ ‘Obrigado’ to everyone who visited our
new store,” CEO Tim Cook tweeted in
February, after 1,700 people packed into
a Rio mall for the opening of the first
Apple store in Latin America. “We are
Brazilians, with lots of pride and lots of
love,” his blue-shirted employees sang,
adapting a tune heard in stadiums and
bars when the national soccer team
plays.
Apple is one of many foreign brands
feeling the love for Brazil — even if
Brazilians, mired in an economic slump,
aren’t. As the country hosts this year’s
World Cup and prepares for the Olympic
Games in 2016, the optimism that led it
to bid for the planet’s two most famous
sporting events has all but evaporated.
Inflation and flagging growth are
squeezing Brazil’s new middle class,
whose anger is so intense and
encompassing that its targets include the
World Cup itself — an amazing thing in a
country that is the definition of soccer
mad. Protesters have jeered the national
team, the World Cup trophy and the
country’s president, Dilma Rousseff,
whom Brazilians blame for spending
extravagantly on stadiums while
neglecting basic public services.
In May, Sao Paulo bus drivers snarled
162 miles of traffic when they threw
away their keys in a strike, a fitting
image for a country that is stalled after
years of rapid economic growth.
The foreign investors still come, drawn
by something even high taxes can’t take
away: young, increasingly educated and
affluent consumers. Companies as
diverse as Forever 21, known for trendy
fashions, and luxury automaker
Bayerische Motoren Werke are putting
down stakes this year.
“Brazil has changed,” says Arturo
Pineiro, head of BMW Brasil Group,
which is investing $276 million in a plant
scheduled to open later this year in
Araquari, in the country’s south. “It has
some problems, but, with the right focus,
they can be solved.”
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It can be hard to find ordinary Brazilians
who agree with him, amid reports of
protesters pelting police with rocks — or,
at one clash in May, shooting them with
arrows — and widespread griping about
public corruption.
When the country was awarded the two
sporting events last decade, then-
President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva — just
Lula to Brazilians — was hailed as a
miracle worker. The former union leader
guided an epic boom during eight years
in office, from 2003 to 2010, with the
benchmark Ibovespa stock index growing
sixfold and annual economic growth
reaching as much as 7.5 percent. This
allowed Lula to plow cash into his
ambitious Bolsa Familia, a program that
gives low-income Brazilians a monthly
stipend in exchange for sending their
children to school and has helped cut the
poverty rate in half.
Brazilians long for those days now.
Economic growth has slowed to just over
2 percent annually, and the stock market
has declined by more than 20 percent in
three years under Rousseff, Lula’s former
chief of staff.
Much of this can be attributed to the
shrinking of China’s once-enormous
appetite for Brazilian commodities. Last
year, Brazil, a huge producer of beef,
chicken, soybeans and other agricultural
goods, came close to a trade deficit for
the first time since 2000.
Far from showcasing Brazil’s strengths,
the World Cup is shining a light on a key
weakness. Lula pledged that projects for
the games would jump-start investment
in transportation upgrades, and Rousseff
promoted a Growth Acceleration
Program, known as PAC, that would
reinvigorate the economy.
Instead, the $3.6 billion spent on new
stadiums was almost four times initial
estimates. Other projects floundered:
Contas Abertas, an organization that
works for government transparency, said
in April that only 12 percent of the
planned public works projects were
completed. A promised bullet train from
Rio to Sao Paulo was shelved.
A YouTube video shot in the city of Porto
Alegre captured the public’s mood: In it,
young people dance to the Pharrell
Williams hit “Happy,” past piles of dirt,
rutted roads and angry graffiti, as
extravagant official predictions for Cup
riches scroll past.
“We’re ashamed to receive foreigners
into this chaos here,” says Ana Trindade,
40, who organized a protest in Porto
Alegre, a World Cup host city and once
Rousseff’s home. “The World Cup will
leave behind no legacy whatsoever, just
more debt and less investment in health,
education and transport.”
A one-time World Cup hero who’s now
an opposition politician puts it even
more starkly: “I’m rooting for Brazil to
win on the field,” says Romario, a striker
on the team that won the 1994 World
Cup. “Off the field, we’ve already lost.”
How does any of this square with the
sanguineness of a core of investors?
Remember that 30 years ago, Brazil was a
country that had been ruled for 20 years
by an authoritarian military regime.
Forty years ago, Rousseff was a Marxist
guerrilla who had been jailed and
tortured.
Now, Brazilians express their
dissatisfaction with their government
peacefully, for the most part, and look
for answers at the polls. When Rousseff’s
Workers’ Party faces voters in October,
the election will turn on basic
pocketbook issues, as in most other
Western democracies.
Pimco’s shift
The shift at the giant bond shop Pacific
Investment Management Co. reflects this
stability. As recently as January, Pimco
despaired over Brazil. Founder Bill Gross
said the country was no longer a
preferred emerging market. A few
months later, a team of Pimco credit
analysts visited the country and came
back with a different point of view. The
deep pessimism of Brazilians, they said,
was great for investors.
Pessimism was going to drive change,
Mark Kiesel, Pimco’s deputy chief
investment officer, wrote in an April
report. And if that was the case,
investors were undervaluing Brazil’s
strengths: a huge resource base, a
democratic government and favorable
demographics, including a median age of
30.7, compared with 46.1 in Germany and
Japan and 37.6 in the United States.
“Simply put, there comes a point to take
the road less traveled, when a lot of bad
news is priced in,” Kiesel wrote.
Long known for fabulous wealth
mingling with dire poverty, Brazil now
has a middle class that numbers
109 million, according to research firm
Data Popular. The Brazilian government’s
Secretariat of Strategic Affairs defines
middle class as average monthly per
capita income of 291 reais ($124) to 1,019
reais, based on data from mid-2012.
Although that isn’t rich by the standards
of developed countries, 29 million
Brazilians are in the nation’s wealthiest
income classes, up from 13 million in
2002, according to Finance Minister
Guido Mantega. They have a monthly
average family income of 5,329 reais or
more.
BMW is targeting those wealthier
consumers with the plant it’s building in
Araquari. BMW Brasil Group President
Pineiro, 49, is a Sao Paulo native and a
returnee. In the 1990s and early 2000s,
Pineiro worked for BMW in Spain and
the United States.
“The country was broken when I left,” he
says.
He remembers the havoc caused by
500 percent annual inflation in the 1980s;
in 2014, economists are wringing their
hands over inflation approaching the
government’s declared upper limit of
6.5 percent.
Slowing wage growth and rising debt
have dented consumer spending, but an
jobless rate below 5 percent has kept the
middle class from shrinking.
“They are learning about consumption
for the first time,” Pineiro says. “As they
start to consume, it’s very unlikely they’ll
go back.”
Those consumers are a boon for both
Brazilian businesses and international
companies. After average monthly
incomes almost doubled from 2006 to
2012, Brazilian households could afford
more than just staples. Packaged food
sales have risen 9 percent a year in the
country for the past five years, and the
industry may add another $75 billion in
sales by 2018, estimates Sean Walker,
president of Latin America for General
Mills, the Minneapolis-based maker of
Cheerios.
“We have no reason to fear anything,”
says Abilio Diniz, who built a
supermarket chain into the country’s
largest retailer and is now the billionaire
chairman of BRF, Brazil’s biggest food
producer. “This country has solid
fundamentals.”
Byzantine bureaucracy
It also has fundamental weaknesses, in
the estimation of the World Bank, and is
not addressing them with urgency. In
ease of doing business, the bank ranks
Brazil No. 116 of 189 countries. In 2006, it
was No. 119. That reflects a byzantine
bureaucracy in a famously protectionist
country. As one Portuguese phrase goes,
para ingles ver — “for the English to
see.”
The phrase originally referred to
abolition laws that Brazil passed in the
1800s under British pressure; it’s meant
to convey a sense that some policies are
only for show. Because of the taxes and
tariffs Jobs complained about, the iPhone
5s Apple sells in Rio — plastered on
billboards in Brazil’s green and yellow
colors, with the slogan que bonito e,
“How beautiful it is” — is the world’s
most expensive, at $1,257. That compares
with $649 in the U.S.
In March, Mantega spoke to economics
students at a Sao Paulo university. He
made the case for his government’s
policies and for the pro-investment
camp. Brazil weathered the 2008
financial crisis better than most major
economies while boosting foreign
reserves to more than $370 billion, he
said. He pointed to the 20 million jobs
created since 2003. He said infrastructure
spending could help growth reach
4 percent annually during the next eight
years.
That last contention is conspicuously
optimistic: Economists surveyed by
Bloomberg see 1.8 percent growth in
2014, 2 percent in 2015 and 2.7 percent in
2016.
If Mantega is correct, then que bonito e
indeed for Apple and Tim Cook. If the
pessimists, and the Brazilian people, are
being more realistic, it could turn out
that Steve Jobs was right again
How do I keep my home
I ’ m 42 and very lucky to have gotten a man
who married me last year . His first wife
died about three years ago in an accident.
He is 55 and has two children who are
undergraduates.
I have lived a very careless life but meeting
him changed so many things about my
attitude to life.
Although I still have some of my old friends
but I ’ m careful since I got married of what I
discuss with so many of them who
ironically are married.
This is because most of my friends treat
their husbands in ways I don ’ t like . Apart
from cheating on their husbands to earn
promotion or as prove of their financial
autonomy , many of them also use charms
to turn their husbands ’ attention away from
their atrocities.
Because I also did in the past , using such
charms to arrest the attention of the men I
dated; lure them away from their homes at
ungodly hours of the night , get them to
spend stupendously on me, I know what so
many women out there are doing to men.
I did a rethink when these charms could not
make any of them men marry me. The more
I tried , the more disappointed I got which
eventually made me to confess my sins and
change my ways .
It was at that point , I met my husband who
is such a wonderful and understanding
man.
But , something happened about three
weeks ago that is making me apprehensive .
To be truthful , I have never lived with any
woman who has been supportive of her
husband. My mother walked out on my
father because he didn’ t have the kind of
money she wanted to live large . None of my
aunties is a first wife . They have multiple
husbands .
The kinds of friends I have are also not the
kind whose lives I want to emulate any
longer .
Although, my husband has severally
complained about my attitude to cooking
and house keeping , what he said last week
really got me worried . He said apart from
sex, there was nothing to make him aware
he has a woman in the house ; that his food
is still being cooked by the house - help and
the house is still being taken care of by the
paid help .
I didn’ t realize that his underwears were all
dirty . The house help went to see her ailing
mother and had to stay an extra week
because she couldn’ t leave her mother in
the condition she met her .
Usually she scouts for his dirty clothes and
wash them. Since I had never done such ; I
didn’ t realize he had exhausted all his
underwears until that day . I felt bad when
he asked of what use a woman is to a man
who doesn ’ t know how to care for her
husband.
If I hadn’ t made her cook stew and soups
for a month before she left , he would also
have known I can ’ t cook .
Agatha , please help me. I really want to be
a good woman and wife to him . I just don’ t
know where to begin or how to go about it
especially as I have a career to manage . I
don’ t have the time to work and still care
for the home.
Also, how do I get pregnant before it is too
late ? In truth he is not complaining but , I
don’ t want him to, before I get pregnant .
Please help me because I have come to
love him very much. If I confide in my
mother or friends, I know what they would
tell me to do and I sincerely don’ t want to
even consider their option of using charm
to turn blind eyes to my weakness . I want
to change also for me.
Tolani
Dear Tolani ,
There is no greater teacher like experience.
Having lived on the two sides of life , you
should by now know which side benefits
you the most .
Also, at your age , you should have since
realized that nothing in life can be achieved
without one form of sacrifice. Your former
life required you to part with money to
charm men to do your bidding ; it was a
kind of sacrifice you willing made to keep
you happy in that world.
Having made up your mind to change your
ways positively, you also have to keep
making so many kinds of sacrifices to keep
you happy in your new life .
One of such sacrifice is making a choice of
what makes you happy the most; your
home or career ? The life of a woman is in
being able to balance all the roles she is
expected to play in the life. Apart from being
a career woman , you now have a home and
husband to care for . At 42, you are in a
position to know what works for you the
most .
To grow a home isn ’ t a day ’ s job; it
requires a lot of patience , willingness to
adapt, honesty and a combination of
prayers and the right attitude to make the
home work smoothly .
No matter how busy a woman gets outside
her home ; her presence must be felt in the
house when she is either at home or out by
those who live with her . If after a year , the
only thing that makes your husband know
he has a woman in his house , is the
regular sex; then he might as well pay a
woman to supply him with that .
Sincerely, the house help has no business
cooking his meals or washing his
underwears . That is strictly within your
jurisdiction. Don’ t forget that the house -
help has always performed these duties for
him. If he were satisfied with that , do you
think he would have had a need for you in
his life ?
The truth is , even if you don ’ t do it as good
as the house - help the fact that you are
even trying would give him confidence and
peace in his decision to have you in his life.
What this man is demanding from you is to
try to justify his need of you in his life . Your
presence is not just to keep his bed warm;
it is also to make him relax and enjoy the
comfort only a wife gives to a man.
If he is still eating the food of his house -
help a year after he married you; then he
really doesn ’ t have any use of you in his
life. Whether you realize it or not ; he knows
you are not the one cooking his meals
because he is accustomed to the taste of
his house -help ’ s cooking . He is getting
impatience because you are not even
making any attempt to please him as a
husband.
Another mistake you are making which
unfortunately you don’ t realize and which
may become your undoing isn ’ t the fact
that you don ’ t have a child for him but,
your inability to water down the memory of
his late wife from his sub- consciousness .
He married you to give himself a reason to
live; to enjoy matrimony and to forget the
pains he feels anything he remembers her .
This is the void he has brought you to fill in
his life . That you haven ’ t given him any
reason to be happy as a man would make
him go back to a time another woman
looked after him , cooked his meals , took
interest in his personal needs and hygiene .
If you don’ t buckle up; you would soon give
him all the reasons to be constantly
comparing you with his late wife ; when that
happens , you can bet he would end the
marriage as soon as he finds another
woman who knows how to be a wife .
Once the house - help comes back , ask her
to teach you how to cook . If that would be
difficult for you to do; pay someone to
come to your house to teach you.
It is better you are mocked now by one
person than have the whole world laugh at
your inability to sustain your marriage .
Unlike cooking , you don’ t need anybody to
teach you how to wash clothes . Thank
goodness washing machines are not the
luxury they were decades ago. Invest in
buying one to enable you wash his clothes
on demand. It would go a long way in
making him happy .
No matter how busy a woman gets ; once
she makes up her mind on something ,
there is no stopping her . You can still
create time for your home out of your busy
schedule if you want to. It is a matter of you
knowing what you want the most in life .
who married me last year . His first wife
died about three years ago in an accident.
He is 55 and has two children who are
undergraduates.
I have lived a very careless life but meeting
him changed so many things about my
attitude to life.
Although I still have some of my old friends
but I ’ m careful since I got married of what I
discuss with so many of them who
ironically are married.
This is because most of my friends treat
their husbands in ways I don ’ t like . Apart
from cheating on their husbands to earn
promotion or as prove of their financial
autonomy , many of them also use charms
to turn their husbands ’ attention away from
their atrocities.
Because I also did in the past , using such
charms to arrest the attention of the men I
dated; lure them away from their homes at
ungodly hours of the night , get them to
spend stupendously on me, I know what so
many women out there are doing to men.
I did a rethink when these charms could not
make any of them men marry me. The more
I tried , the more disappointed I got which
eventually made me to confess my sins and
change my ways .
It was at that point , I met my husband who
is such a wonderful and understanding
man.
But , something happened about three
weeks ago that is making me apprehensive .
To be truthful , I have never lived with any
woman who has been supportive of her
husband. My mother walked out on my
father because he didn’ t have the kind of
money she wanted to live large . None of my
aunties is a first wife . They have multiple
husbands .
The kinds of friends I have are also not the
kind whose lives I want to emulate any
longer .
Although, my husband has severally
complained about my attitude to cooking
and house keeping , what he said last week
really got me worried . He said apart from
sex, there was nothing to make him aware
he has a woman in the house ; that his food
is still being cooked by the house - help and
the house is still being taken care of by the
paid help .
I didn’ t realize that his underwears were all
dirty . The house help went to see her ailing
mother and had to stay an extra week
because she couldn’ t leave her mother in
the condition she met her .
Usually she scouts for his dirty clothes and
wash them. Since I had never done such ; I
didn’ t realize he had exhausted all his
underwears until that day . I felt bad when
he asked of what use a woman is to a man
who doesn ’ t know how to care for her
husband.
If I hadn’ t made her cook stew and soups
for a month before she left , he would also
have known I can ’ t cook .
Agatha , please help me. I really want to be
a good woman and wife to him . I just don’ t
know where to begin or how to go about it
especially as I have a career to manage . I
don’ t have the time to work and still care
for the home.
Also, how do I get pregnant before it is too
late ? In truth he is not complaining but , I
don’ t want him to, before I get pregnant .
Please help me because I have come to
love him very much. If I confide in my
mother or friends, I know what they would
tell me to do and I sincerely don’ t want to
even consider their option of using charm
to turn blind eyes to my weakness . I want
to change also for me.
Tolani
Dear Tolani ,
There is no greater teacher like experience.
Having lived on the two sides of life , you
should by now know which side benefits
you the most .
Also, at your age , you should have since
realized that nothing in life can be achieved
without one form of sacrifice. Your former
life required you to part with money to
charm men to do your bidding ; it was a
kind of sacrifice you willing made to keep
you happy in that world.
Having made up your mind to change your
ways positively, you also have to keep
making so many kinds of sacrifices to keep
you happy in your new life .
One of such sacrifice is making a choice of
what makes you happy the most; your
home or career ? The life of a woman is in
being able to balance all the roles she is
expected to play in the life. Apart from being
a career woman , you now have a home and
husband to care for . At 42, you are in a
position to know what works for you the
most .
To grow a home isn ’ t a day ’ s job; it
requires a lot of patience , willingness to
adapt, honesty and a combination of
prayers and the right attitude to make the
home work smoothly .
No matter how busy a woman gets outside
her home ; her presence must be felt in the
house when she is either at home or out by
those who live with her . If after a year , the
only thing that makes your husband know
he has a woman in his house , is the
regular sex; then he might as well pay a
woman to supply him with that .
Sincerely, the house help has no business
cooking his meals or washing his
underwears . That is strictly within your
jurisdiction. Don’ t forget that the house -
help has always performed these duties for
him. If he were satisfied with that , do you
think he would have had a need for you in
his life ?
The truth is , even if you don ’ t do it as good
as the house - help the fact that you are
even trying would give him confidence and
peace in his decision to have you in his life.
What this man is demanding from you is to
try to justify his need of you in his life . Your
presence is not just to keep his bed warm;
it is also to make him relax and enjoy the
comfort only a wife gives to a man.
If he is still eating the food of his house -
help a year after he married you; then he
really doesn ’ t have any use of you in his
life. Whether you realize it or not ; he knows
you are not the one cooking his meals
because he is accustomed to the taste of
his house -help ’ s cooking . He is getting
impatience because you are not even
making any attempt to please him as a
husband.
Another mistake you are making which
unfortunately you don’ t realize and which
may become your undoing isn ’ t the fact
that you don ’ t have a child for him but,
your inability to water down the memory of
his late wife from his sub- consciousness .
He married you to give himself a reason to
live; to enjoy matrimony and to forget the
pains he feels anything he remembers her .
This is the void he has brought you to fill in
his life . That you haven ’ t given him any
reason to be happy as a man would make
him go back to a time another woman
looked after him , cooked his meals , took
interest in his personal needs and hygiene .
If you don’ t buckle up; you would soon give
him all the reasons to be constantly
comparing you with his late wife ; when that
happens , you can bet he would end the
marriage as soon as he finds another
woman who knows how to be a wife .
Once the house - help comes back , ask her
to teach you how to cook . If that would be
difficult for you to do; pay someone to
come to your house to teach you.
It is better you are mocked now by one
person than have the whole world laugh at
your inability to sustain your marriage .
Unlike cooking , you don’ t need anybody to
teach you how to wash clothes . Thank
goodness washing machines are not the
luxury they were decades ago. Invest in
buying one to enable you wash his clothes
on demand. It would go a long way in
making him happy .
No matter how busy a woman gets ; once
she makes up her mind on something ,
there is no stopping her . You can still
create time for your home out of your busy
schedule if you want to. It is a matter of you
knowing what you want the most in life .
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