My marriage is nine
years old. I have been very lucky with my
career. While a lot of my colleagues in the
banks had their careers terminated ; mine
kept flourishing so much so I am now a
branch manager in out of the A -list banks .
The money I make is enough to feed my
family and keep the children in one of the
best schools in town . Though my husband
works , but his salary as a top civil servant
is nothing to write home about . Therefore , I
have to provide most of the things at home .
Also the demands of my job give me very
little time with my family ; a fact my
husband understands . There is no way I
can be a manager and still have time to
prepare my children for school , cook and
clean the house . Since his job isn ’ t as
demanding as mine, we agreed he should
assist with ensuring the children are ready
by the time the school bus comes for them.
It isn ’ t as if he baths them ; there are two
house - helps in the house I pay to cover up
my lapses.
Although I go to work on Saturdays , I try to
come home early when I don ’ t have a
social function .
For a long time my husband kept
complaining about my unavailability at
home and in his life as my husband.
No matter how hard I tried to explain to him
that my job left me exhausted and unable to
make love when he desired it ; he would
always complain.
At a time, I stopped trying to make him
understand and actually packed to our
guest room to give me peace at home.
To be honest , I can ’ t remember when he
stopped complaining about my job or not
having enough of my company. Also the
fact that I have been busy trying to keep
my job in the face of threats presented by
the ailing economy and competition
presented by the retrenchment of very good
hands in other banks , I lost account of the
last time we made love .
Honestly Agatha , I love my husband and
prayed ours would be a happy home . But I
have evidence that my husband has another
woman who recently gave him a set of
twins. She is also a civil servant. I went
there to confirm and found it to be true .
What pains me the most is the role of my
mother- in-law in the development. She was
there at the naming ceremony of the babies,
despite everything I do for her .
When my husband learnt I went to see the
other woman ; he warned me never to
attempt it again . He actually threatened to
end our marriage if I ever do that again .
Now he hardly comes home or talks to me .
I love him and want my husband back
home. I ’ m trying to change ; come home
early and stay at home on weekends but he
is never around . What do I do? Or do I just
divorce him since he now has another
woman in his life ?
Ireti.
Dear Ireti ,
In his shoes , what would you have done ?
Continue to endure the deprivation , neglect
and humiliation of your spouse ?
What kind of money and career were you
looking for that made you so neglectful of
your home ? Are those house - helps you
employed for your home his wife or mother
of his children? Were you also expecting
them to share his bed, tender to all his
emotional needs in addition to the jobs you
specified for them ? How come you now
have the time to stay at home when you
never did; when your job appeared to be the
only thing that drove your passion as a
woman ?
Now that you have realized his usefulness
to your life ; you want him back ? As what ? A
hen-pecked husband? The kind you bring
out of the cupboard at your convenience ?
What manner of love does this to a man ?
It doesn ’ t work like that . Life gives you back
what you invest into it . There is no amount
of money that will ever be enough to buy
happiness and peace of mind .
You were too busy to notice your
importance in your home ; the advantage of
being married and having your man to
yourself . The excuse that you were busy
building your career doesn ’ t work because
women before you who occupied that
position, you prided above your home;
managed to balance their acts .
Being a career woman doesn ’ t mean a
woman must have a broken home or
unable to subject herself to the
governorship of her husband.
The reason God gave women the special gift
of being able to multi task is in realization
of our importance to our homes .
Unless you want to completely lose your
husband to this other woman ; you have to
stop nagging and create time for everything
that makes your man happy . You also have
to make up your mind about those things
that are of importance to you now that you
have another woman to deal with in his life .
If you think it is going to be easy to get him
back, you are wrong because in your nine
years as his wife , you have given him no
pleasant reason or memory to want to make
him remain with you. So , it is going to take
a huge miracle to make him come back to
you fully .
Your mistake was making it appear that ,
because of the money you were making
from your job; you were only enduring the
marriage . In addition you also made it clear
to him that you went below your level by
marrying a poor civil servant. No matter the
position of a man; he remains the head of
his home ; to treat him otherwise is to
cause a dislocation in the home .
The impudence with which you conducted
yourself throughout this marriage has
become your albatross now that you want
him back. What were you expecting him to
do when you left him in the cold ? If you
cannot even remember the last time you
and your husband made love all because of
your so called career, then it tells of the
kind of wife you have been to him.
What woman packs from the master
bedroom into the guestroom and also
makes it difficult for her husband to gain
access to her body? A woman may earn all
the money in the world but she will never
be the man ; the reason he can get away
with having children outside his home and
you, struggling to awake the embers of a
fire you thoughtlessly poured water into.
You are lucky he had the discipline not to
have slept and impregnated your house -
helps . Another man with less discipline
would have and dared you to make noise
about it.
If you want him back, you have to first ask
yourself what is important to you as a
woman and mother. If he agrees to come
back, what are you willing to offer him? Are
you prepared to give up your career for him
and the children? Also you have to factor
the presence of the other woman and her
children into all these . If the other woman
has the support of the mother , she has
come to stay ; a situation you unfortunately
helped to create .
This isn ’ t just about you and your husband
anymore ; your efforts must incorporate the
other woman who whether you like it or not
has become your mate . Do you have that
special grace to share your husband with
another woman ? This isn ’ t time for
idealistic solutions; you have to be very
realistic about this.
If you don’ t have the stomach to share him
at all , be honest with yourself so you don’ t
complicate things for your children in the
long run because they are the ones that
would forever remain in the family .
Besides , it isn ’ t always wise for a woman to
be the one to end the marriage , because it
is one decision she will forever carry the
blame .
Since your husband hasn ’ t said anything
about ending the marriage , I suggest , you
continue to make the efforts of making the
marriage work ; at least if not for yourself
but , for your children who will not be able
to enjoy the presence of their father as they
used to .
By now, it should be clear to you that they
remain your most priceless gifts .
Go around his family members , including
his mother and friends to bring both of you
to the discussion table . Cry , apologise and
beg him for everything you have done
wrong. It may not give you instant result
but if you persist and patient, things will
work out between the two of you
eventually. No matter what your options
are, it is important you both talk about the
future of your marriage .
Also, resist the urge to go to the other
woman ’ s domain again . She had nothing to
do with the situation that drove your
husband out of your arms and home . You
did that all by yourself so don ’ t complicate
things by looking for a scapegoat.
Finally, go on your knees for a humble
spirit . Your pride went before your fall.
Good luck.
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