Home » Health » Lifeclass: 'In 25 years, my husband
has never told me that he loves me' Twitter Facebook Share Lesley Garner advises a woman who feels
emotionally neglected by her husband Our new lifeclass page More health news and features Dear Lesley, I have been married for 25 years and in all that time
my husband has never said that he loves me. I love
him deeply and tell him so, but he does not
reciprocate. RELATED ARTICLES I've asked him if he loves me and he says he does,
but tells me he finds it difficult to put it into words. He
realises he has a problem and tells me the problem is
rooted deep within his childhood. He is an only child
with a domineering mother, while his father was
gentle and docile. I don't believe what he says because we have two
grown-up daughters upon whom he dotes and to
whom he speaks in loving terms. He also shows his
emotions in other ways, for example when watching
or following sport or when listening to his favourite
music. When I ask him his opinion on my new haircut or
whether the dress I am wearing looks all right he is
always vague and says he is not sure. There is never
any loving touch or word, never a compliment or any
praise. This may sound trivial, but over the years it has
made me tearful and unhappy because I am
beginning to think he is only with me because we
have a comfortable life. I am a good cook and I look
after him hand, foot and finger, despite the fact that I
work full time. I think he also stays because he doesn't think he would meet anyone else - he says he
didn't have many (or any?) girlfriends before we met. I hope this letter doesn't make him sound dour
because he isn't. He has a good sense of humour, is
kind to me, is a good provider and an excellent father.
I just can't get over this emotional barrier between us.
We have a good sex life but it is not passionate - and
he is always unfailingly polite! As I get older I am wondering whether I can put up
with it for much longer. I need to be loved but I feel I
am being treated like the big sister he never had or,
worse, that he sees me as a mother substitute. I have asked him to seek professional help, perhaps
a counsellor or therapist, and he said he would, but
he has not done anything about it. I don't know what
to do, and would be grateful for any advice you can
give me. Gillian Dear Gillian, I have a long-held theory that we often know the
essence of a person as soon as we meet them and
then we can turn ourselves inside out trying to deny,
ignore or change it. This turning inside out can go on
for years until we say, over and over, that we can't
stand this any more. And then we either do something rash or we go on standing it. I bet you knew when you fell in love with this man,
that he was, let's say, emotionally inhibited. You don't
think he'd had any previous girlfriends - that's quite a
thing to be unsure about. Sex, even in the
intoxicating stage of first love, was polite, which
doesn't sound exciting. You chose to ignore this information about the man you were marrying. You
probably hoped he would change. If people weren't capable of change there wouldn't be
much point in me doing this job, but that doesn't
mean that change is easy. Your husband isn't going
to change because you find it unbearable that he
can't tell you he loves you. He will only change if he
finds it unbearable, and maybe not even then. How would he find it unbearable? Well, you could
drive him to a pitch of wild desire and then say, not
unless you say you love me. You could threaten to
leave him and really mean it. You could get a terrible
disease and hope the thought of losing you would do
the trick. No, somehow I think any of these options would seem a bit forced. He has, miraculously, said he would consider
counselling but has done nothing about it, so, if you
are seriously bothered, make the appointment and go
together because this is about the relationship
between the two of you, not just about him. Failing that, you could take a step back, look at his
good qualities and remind yourself that you are
responsible for your own happiness. I know this is a
hard thing to think when you are locked into a
relationship rut, but it could free you both up. The longer I do this job and the more people I hear
from, the more I realise that there are certain chronic
patterns of unhappiness. The category into which
your letter falls - and I don't mean to diminish your
pain - includes women who have put up with long
marriages where they feel taken for granted, unloved and disregarded. This is a really common category,
and I get far more letters from dissatisfied wives than
I do from dissatisfied husbands. I expect you would like to know what married men
write to me about. Men, by and large, don't write to
me in brooding resentment about the state of their
marriages. They do write to me when they discover
that their wives or girlfriends don't want them any
more, when suddenly they would do anything to put things right. The fact that they only wake up at moments of crisis
is telling. Put the unsatisfied wives and the oblivious
husbands together and you have a combustible
mixture that catches fire when the wife has finally had
enough and the husband doesn't know what has hit
him. I strongly suspect that your husband spends little
time worrying about the state of your relationship. I
suspect that, even if you explain your feelings, he will
have no real understanding of the depth of your
frustration. When you ask him what he thinks of your
clothes or haircut he genuinely doesn't know and would rather fudge the issue than be caught saying
the wrong thing. Of course, this is the wrong thing to
do - but then he didn't have parents who showed him
that women blossom when they are adored. I also guess that he is accepting of the way things
are. Not having a compartment in his brain where he
stores unresolved feelings for later rumination, he
shakes his head after a confrontation with you to get
rid of any uncomfortable thoughts, and then returns to
his habitual ways. I suspect that he thinks he is a very good husband
and, by every measure apart from the one of making
you completely happy, he is. Your marriage sounds
stuck and you are both in this together. I suggest that
you take your mind off the goal of getting him to say
he loves you and think of ways to shake things up a bit. Often it takes only a little change to make a big
difference and I would focus on having more fun
together. Eat out more. Go travelling. Follow your
dreams. Or prepare yourself for 25 years of the same.