Thoughts

My sister died five years ago and left behind
her husband. They couldn’ t have a child as
a result of certain complications with her
fallopian tube.
Even though her husband was faithful to her
and did everything to assure my sister of
his love , she died from high blood pressure
as a result of her constant worries that her
husband might leave her for another
woman . She became so paranoid that she
fought any woman , including us , her sisters
if we came close to her husband.
She left her job to give her the freedom to
monitor her husband. In fairness to the
husband, not once did he try to resist or
protest her constant harassment of his
freedom . He took everything in his stride .
Not even when his family tried to pair him
up with another woman did he abandon my
sister. He kept telling everybody that he
would never leave her and that in due
course, a miracle would happen.
He kept begging my parents to plead with
my sister not to kill herself for nothing –
that her blood pressure was becoming
alarmingly high . When her condition
became worse , he traveled with her abroad
for treatment. There they also explored
ways they can have a child together. They
found a way around the issue and it was
this pregnancy that actually terminated her
life.
Her blood pressure kept going up and she
resisted attempts by the doctors to
terminate the pregnancy to save her life .
She actually left England without the
permission of her doctors and husband for
Nigeria to ensure her husband didn’ t leave
her in England because of another woman .
It was when she got to Nigeria that she
called her husband from the airport to come
and pick her . She died three days after she
came back because of her blood pressure .
Her pregnancy was only five months .
Since then , the husband has remained
single . Despite pressures from all of us that
he continues with his life , he refused. He
still came to our house and continued with
all his former obligations to us despite
protests from my mother that he shouldn’ t,
he ignored her . Every month, he would
send feeding allowances as well as drugs
for my father. He also never failed to pay
our house rents and other bills .
He called everyday to know how we were
and would come to see things for himself to
ensure we didn’ t lack anything.
After trying to stop him from doing all these
things, my mother gave up and even tried
on several occasions to get him hooked up
with nice ladies she knew .
Around August last year , he came to my
place of work to pick me up for lunch. We
really had a great time . He kept doing this
and honestly , I didn ’ t know when my
feelings for him changed to love . It hit me
like a bolt of lightening that I no longer
regarded him as my elder brother but as a
man.
When he also communicated his love for
me, I was happy and we started a secret
relationship. He wanted us to inform our
parents right away but I kept pleading with
him to give me more time because secretly
I fear our parents may not support the idea .
Without telling me anything, he went ahead
to inform his parents two weeks ago and
my parents last week . Surprisingly none of
them is against the relationship . But how
do I explain to the world that I ’ m in love
with my late sister’ s husband and I am
actually planning to marry him? To me, it is
all wrong. People may think I killed my own
sister to enable me marry him . You know
how people talk .
Agatha , I love him so very much but is it
alright to marry him? Please help me as I
am very confused . The two families have
agreed on a date for the traditional wedding
since neither of us is growing younger . I
would be 30 in September while he is
already 41 .
Laife
Dear Laife,
The truth is , if you don ’ t marry him,
someone else would and you will be the
one left to ponder on your loss , pains and
dreams you have built around him since
you two started dating.
No matter what one does in life , people
would always talk . If a person is too nice
and generous , some mischievous people
would label such person, a fool while a
person who is not too nice is often
branded ; a devil . There is no pleasing
everybody in the choices we daily make in
our lives, so why even attempt it? The
important thing is your conviction that you
are not hurting anybody by marrying this
man. Any objective person would know you
have nothing to do with the death of your
sister. If you had, it won ’ t be five years after
that you and her late husband would be
talking about marriage .
Besides , a clear conscience fears no
accusation. As long as you did not do
anything to compromise your sister’ s
marriage while she was alive or even
contemplated ever dating her husband while
she was still on this side of life , do not be
bothered about the opinion of others . Let
anybody who wants to talk do so , but do
not give up your own happiness for
anything or anybody . Life is too short to
short change yourself in the area of your
happiness and peace in life . If people have
no scruples desecrating the memories of
the dead , how much more you that is alive?
In addition , if people would talk at all , it
would not last for more than a week at
most when someone else would take your
place on the chart of those to be gossiped
about.
Also, a lot of people may have even
forgotten who this man is . Unless your
close family and friends, five years is a long
time for those who are not too close to your
family to even remember your sister, not to
talk of the man who married her .
If those whose business is to object , are all
for you two marrying each other , why are
you concerned about what others would
say? Nobody gives happiness to another
person . You are the only person who can
define your happiness in life and if this man
makes your heart skip beats , give the world
a new meaning for you and answers those
nagging thoughts about men and marriage
which you have even refused to dwell on for
fear of what you would find, then do not
waste any precious moment dwelling on
what is not the business of anybody .
At this point , your major concern should be
what you intend to do with the marriage and
not what people think of you. This is
because, at the end of the day , it is what
would matter the most .
He must have seen something extra
exceptional about you to make him want to
stick around your family so do not waste it
by being anxious over nothing .
Having witnessed first - hand what transpired
between him and your sister, try as much
as possible to avoid making the same
mistakes your sister did so as to give this
man the kind of happiness he deserves in
life and marriage . Learn to trust him
implicitly . Do not forget that he may have
been able to cope with your late sister’ s
massive mistrust of him , he may not be
able to do so anymore; not because he
does not want to but age makes the body
unable to accept what it could when
younger . At 40 , this man needs a lot of
peace in his life and happiness at home .
Be his friend first before becoming his wife ;
this way , no matter what you meet in your
marriage , you will always have the presence
of mind to cope and support him .
No matter what, always give him the respect
due him ; do not forget it is part of the
package he saw in you. Being lovers does
not mean a woman must begin to
disrespect her man; as a matter of fact , it is
the more reason for her to appreciate and
respect him the more .
The bottom line is that you have every right
to be happy . You have all mourned your
sister enough ; it is time to move on
because there is nothing you can do
anymore for the one who is dead . Cruel as
this is , the truth remains, indelible.