I got married in October last year to a man
whose view of sex is completely different
from what I was taught by my mother .
Also this may sound strange in our modern
world, but my mother told me it isn ’ t right
for a woman to demand for sex at all.
Although I didn ’ t marry as a virgin but the
man I was to marry and who deflowered me
never made a big deal of being the one
always asking me for sex . We didn ’ t marry
because his mother said I was too prudish
for his kind of person ; that my outlook
would make her son marry another woman .
To prevent this from happening ; she told
him to get a woman who could equal him in
everything so he won ’ t have an excuse like
his father did for marrying another woman .
She was kind enough to explain to me and
beg for my forgiveness arguing that her
intentions were premised on my own
happiness. I didn’ t know how to fight that
hence we went our different ways .
Fortunately, I met my husband about three
months after that incident . Five months
after, we got married.
Since then , I always waited for him to make
the first move. If he doesn ’ t , I would never
ask even when I desired it.
For about eight weeks now , he hasn ’ t come
near me. I know he loves sex, the reason I
got worried enough to ask his best friend
who is also close to me if his friend was
having an affair .
It was through him I got to know that my
husband’ s grouse with me was ; he said he
would never ask me to have sex with him
because of my attitude to it. According to
this friend , my husband complained to him
that even when I ’ m in the mood , I always
wait for him to make the first move, an
attitude he is getting tired of. He said
staying off me was to force me to demand
for his presence . The truth is , I don ’ t know
how to because my mother told me that
only morally bankrupt women demand for
sex from their husbands .
It is difficult for me to change but I also
don’ t want to lose my home . What do I do
as I would feel cheap asking my husband to
have sex with me?
Confused Wife .
Dear Confused Wife ,
It is your right to demand for sex from your
husband any time you are in the mood for
it.
There is nothing cheap about a wife
demanding her rights from her husband. If
you don ’ t ask it of him, who will you go and
demand it from; another woman ’ s husband?
You are only short charging yourself
because customs and religion expect you to
remain faithful to your husband through
thick and thin.
While your husband can go outside his
marriage to release tension, you cannot
because of the moral repercussion that
follows a woman who engages in the act of
immorality .
If your mother’ s advice worked for her ,
don’ t expect it to work for you because
your father and your husband are two
different individuals. There is no way your
husband can ever accept the conditions
under which your mother fared with your
father.
Besides , you also have your life to live. It is
unfair for your mother to think that you
would escape with what she got away with
in her marriage .
In addition , times are changing. While men
of your mother’ s era regarded women who
demanded for sex from their husbands as
being morally improper , today’ s men have
come to realize that a woman feels the
same things they feel and that today’ s
women are not so frightened as women of
yester years were , in expressing their
desires .
So you see you and your mother are living
in very different worlds . To expect your
husband to act as if he is the only one
always on heat isn ’ t doing your marriage
any justice . He may not be complaining,
but your attitude robs him of the pleasure of
having his wife also crave for him.
Just like a woman desires her husband to
show her love and attention ; the average
man also desires the attention of his
woman too . He wants her to make him feel
wanted, special and loved too . Though men
don’ t express what they want like women
do, it doesn ’ t mean they are not desirous of
every attention their wives can shower on
them .
By refusing to make your demands of his
attention , you are unwittingly telling him
that you can live without him and that his
attention on you isn ’ t something you like .
Although this isn ’ t your intention at least
going by what you wrote but there is no
way he would know how you feel if you
continue to pretend that you don ’ t care if
he sleeps with you or not .
One of the reasons a man and woman get
married is to have sex as often as desired.
It is God’ s way of sanitizing the society of
moral issues that come with having
indiscriminate sex . Unlike what your mother
thinks , sex isn ’ t just a tool for procreation
purpose alone ; it is also meant to create
relaxation and a special bond between
couples .
It is a natural stress reliever which helps to
induce quality sleep after a hard day ’ s job.
There is no limiting the value of sex in a
marriage . It can be used by either party as
a tool of apology , healing and mending
broken hems in a marriage . It is also a
good tool of communication that enables
the couple tell each other certain things
words cannot describe .
So in denying your husband the knowledge
of knowing how you feel, you create not just
doubts in his mind but leave him very
confused about your interest in him as well
as his ability to stimulate the right response
from you.
You are lucky he isn ’ t in an affair ; only
giving you the chance to clear the
confusion he has in his heart about your
love and need of him .
You are also fortunate he told his friend
who in turn has given you what can best be
described as an ‘ expo ’ on what to do to
bring your husband back into your bed.
Honestly , this isn ’ t time for you to debate
or struggle with yourself on whether your
mother is right or wrong about what she
told you.
If she didn’ t want a man sleeping with you,
she shouldn ’ t have agreed to you getting
married.
Sex is one of the pillars that hold a
marriage together; a vital one at that .
If you are shy to say it directly to your
husband; go the way of most women by
acting it. There are several ways a woman
can communicate her need for sex to her
man without saying it. This is the secret
strength of women . When a woman wants a
man, there are several postures she can
adopt to make her message clear .
One way is to dress it. Go for a nightgown
cut to seduce even the most principled
man. Besides , your man doesn ’ t need to be
convinced; all he wants is for you to give
the sign and he is by your side .
Go for mood music to relax him and make
him all anxious to complete whatever you
have started . Finally go for a perfume that
would stimulate his mind to full action ; the
kind that would enhance your natural body
scent . Finally sit carelessly in front of him
and pretend your mind is too engaged in
whatever task you are doing to make you
remember to sit appropriately . If other
women outside use this to entice married
men into their web; there is nothing
stopping married women from using it to
get their men to notice them . This isn ’ t just
any man ; he is your husband, one that has
been given full authority by the law to view
your most essentials . By giving him a full
view of his most precious asset, there
would be nothing preventing him from
taking it.
Sex and desires require a lot imagination to
make them come alive.
Any woman or man who sits on the fence
and expects to get the best out of it is only
deceiving self . You cannot pretend not to
mind when deep inside you want all the
things that make you complete as a
woman .
It is also important you explain your actions
to your husband after you have captured
him back into your arms . Let him know why
you have been acting that way . It will help
clear whatever doubts or worry your actions
have generated in his mind.
Just as it takes two to fall in love ; it takes
two to make every aspect of marriage work .
Your marriage is what you make of it
especially as a woman .
Good luck.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
My husband says I smell
I have a very embarrassing situation in my
home. I got married about six years ago
and for almost five and a half years , my
husband hasn ’ t slept with me.
Being indifferent to sex, I really didn ’ t notice
it at first. I only became bothered when it
persisted and my hunger to have my own
children became unquenchable and
embarrassing for me.
I had to cry out when his mother started
making big trouble for me. Although she ,
like my mother is one of those staunch born
again Christians who have never used
relaxers on their hair or worn ear- rings but
when it came to the issue of having a
grandchild , she threw the biblical teachings
of patience aside to issue an ultimatum to
me to produce a grandchild for her or leave
her son’ s house to enable another woman
who is capable of producing a child for her
son come in.
When the problems became too much as
well as the number of times I was forced to
go to the mountains to pray for the fruits of
the womb were becoming more than I could
tolerate, I had to open up to my mother that
there is no way I can get pregnant since my
husband stopped sharing my bed six
months into our marriage .
Even those few months he shared my bed;
it was as if he was in a great hurry to
leave . Once he was done, he would leave
the room , rush into the toilet to take his
bath and move into the living room to
sleep. Eventually he didn ’ t even bother to
sleep in our room. He simply moved to the
guest room and when we have visitors, he
would come into our room and sleep on the
floor . The only thing is that he eats my food
but talks to me only when necessary.
Honestly , if not for the child issue , I
wouldn ’ t have even asked him or told
anybody what the situation in my home
was .
My mother couldn’ t contain the information
so she went straight to my mother -in- law
to tell her what I told her .
Initially my mother -in- law said I was lying
but when she confronted her son with the
information; he didn’ t bother to deny it.
When asked why, he told our sets of
parents that I smell . He actually too a
match stick to scratch at the back of my
ears to prove his point . The flakes of dirt
that fell from the back of my ears so much
embarrassed me that I instantly began to
cry. He asked everybody , “ if she is this
dirty here , you can imagine her state where
it mattered the most . My father hissed ,
looked at my mother and said, like mother ;
like daughter .
To my pains when his father asked why he
didn’ t tell me; he said since I didn’ t
consider personal hygiene important , why
should he bother telling me ? That he did
what he thought was best by refusing to
share in my personal un- hygiene . Without
any feelings whatsoever, he said those few
times he attempted it , he vomited from the
stench . He also said , since I didn’ t bother
to ask why he was avoiding me, he also
didn’ t think it important to explain himself
to me.
To think my husband kept this from me
until I opened up beats my imagination.
How do I go about this problem?
Laide
Dear Laide ,
Since your husband has identified the
reason for his behavior , your challenge has
been made simple .
Forget the way he went about it; don ’ t
bother yourself with that because in more
ways than one, you are also very guilty of
not trying hard enough to protect your
home.
What were you looking at for this matter to
drag into five years ? Didn’ t it occur to you
that you could lose your home to another
woman or didn’ t it bother you one bit if that
happened ?
Honestly , the fact that you didn ’ t protest is
one cause for worry . Is it that you don ’ t
love your husband at all or assumed it was
normal for a man not to come close to his
wife for over five years ?
Beyond the issue of your dirt , is the need
for you and your husband to talk as frankly
as possible . How did he manage all those
years without sex?
No matter how principled a man is ,
temptation occurs from time to time . Being
Christians is no assurance that he lived
holy all these years . Sex to a full grown
normal adult, has no religion . When its
demands come on, it takes the grace of God
not to be tempted .
A man looking for an excuse to have an
affair has a ready- made one in your quality
of hygiene as well as with your ; I don ’ t care
attitude.
You both have to be very honest to
yourselves about this period to avoid any
unpleasant surprise in the future especially
for you.
The normal reactions to your kind of
challenge is either for the man to be mean
and announce his reason for avoiding the
company of his wife or stylishly inform the
wife of her problem with a view of helping
her overcome it.
That your husband did neither and appeared
so cold when discussing the issue with
your sets of parents is a clear signal that
you have a lot of work to be done in the
days ahead to re -engineer his interest in
you and the marriage .
It is also time for you to face reality . Don ’ t
assume he doesn ’ t have another woman
outside simply because you are both
Christians . It would not be out of place to
ask him in a very plain language if there is
already another woman outside and the
hope for your marriage .
One thing is for you to change ; another
thing is for the mess generated by these
five years to clear . Make it obvious you are
asking not to cause trouble but to help you
know how extensive your reformation
project would be and what you should
expect at the end of the journey . Also ask if
there are children outside your home whose
existence you should know of.
Both of you have to find the reasons you
got married in the myriad of problems
confronting your marriage and together
agree on the reasons you have to stay
together. This way , your marriage would
survive whatever comes out of this.
On the issue of your chronic dirt , it is as
simple as knowing how to bath well and
wash your under wears.
First and foremost , throw away all your
present underwears and invest on new
ones . Get a small bucket to soak your
pants in, overnight . Soak in detergent and
hot water before washing. This will get rid
of any unpleasant smell and accumulation
of dirt that comes from improper washing.
The surface of your pants must be soft after
drying ; that shows it has no cake of dirt on
it. When hard to the touch after drying ; it
shows you did a poor job of washing it.
Follow this by getting rid of your pubic hair
as well as the one under your arm pit . This
ensures no hair traps in any sweat bead or
secretion from your womanhood. Smell
from that are comes from improper handling
of the various secretions women contend
with every seasons of their lives.
Once trapped in the pubic hair , the woman
can ooze hence the need for you to first
clear the area clean of any hair . Also, after
your monthly flow, ensure you wash the
area with lime juice to remove any remnant
of odor caused by blood in the area .
Everyday, ensure you devote attention to
washing the area with sponge and soap .
Start from the front to the back. Ensure you
wash every fold thoroughly . Take your bath
twice a day and wipe yourself each time
you urinate to keep the area clean. The
belly button is another area that gathers
dirt . You must always wash the area each
time you bath. As a woman , lift your
breasts each time you take your bath and
wash under them to ensure no dirt finds
any hiding place there .
Also, behind and inside your ears must be
scrubbed each time you bath with sponge
to avoid dirt flakes finding home there just
as the space between your toes and fingers
must always be washed too .
From time to time , enlist the help of your
husband to wash your back thoroughly. As
a matter of fact , you can both turn this into
something very romantic to help both of
you mend fences again .
Apart from getting pregnant , there is the
need to ensure you create so many fun -
spots into your marriage to drive home
your need for each other .
Also, you must change your attitude to
fashion and life generally . Learn to use
deodorants and perfumes. Being Christians
doesn ’ t mean you should dress in
shapeless and drab clothes . The most
beautiful and wonderful things are from our
God so why should His children always
appear dirty and ugly ?
There is no reason you shouldn’ t be stylish
and beautiful . It is a must if you intend to
engage the interest of your husband at all
times.
home. I got married about six years ago
and for almost five and a half years , my
husband hasn ’ t slept with me.
Being indifferent to sex, I really didn ’ t notice
it at first. I only became bothered when it
persisted and my hunger to have my own
children became unquenchable and
embarrassing for me.
I had to cry out when his mother started
making big trouble for me. Although she ,
like my mother is one of those staunch born
again Christians who have never used
relaxers on their hair or worn ear- rings but
when it came to the issue of having a
grandchild , she threw the biblical teachings
of patience aside to issue an ultimatum to
me to produce a grandchild for her or leave
her son’ s house to enable another woman
who is capable of producing a child for her
son come in.
When the problems became too much as
well as the number of times I was forced to
go to the mountains to pray for the fruits of
the womb were becoming more than I could
tolerate, I had to open up to my mother that
there is no way I can get pregnant since my
husband stopped sharing my bed six
months into our marriage .
Even those few months he shared my bed;
it was as if he was in a great hurry to
leave . Once he was done, he would leave
the room , rush into the toilet to take his
bath and move into the living room to
sleep. Eventually he didn ’ t even bother to
sleep in our room. He simply moved to the
guest room and when we have visitors, he
would come into our room and sleep on the
floor . The only thing is that he eats my food
but talks to me only when necessary.
Honestly , if not for the child issue , I
wouldn ’ t have even asked him or told
anybody what the situation in my home
was .
My mother couldn’ t contain the information
so she went straight to my mother -in- law
to tell her what I told her .
Initially my mother -in- law said I was lying
but when she confronted her son with the
information; he didn’ t bother to deny it.
When asked why, he told our sets of
parents that I smell . He actually too a
match stick to scratch at the back of my
ears to prove his point . The flakes of dirt
that fell from the back of my ears so much
embarrassed me that I instantly began to
cry. He asked everybody , “ if she is this
dirty here , you can imagine her state where
it mattered the most . My father hissed ,
looked at my mother and said, like mother ;
like daughter .
To my pains when his father asked why he
didn’ t tell me; he said since I didn’ t
consider personal hygiene important , why
should he bother telling me ? That he did
what he thought was best by refusing to
share in my personal un- hygiene . Without
any feelings whatsoever, he said those few
times he attempted it , he vomited from the
stench . He also said , since I didn’ t bother
to ask why he was avoiding me, he also
didn’ t think it important to explain himself
to me.
To think my husband kept this from me
until I opened up beats my imagination.
How do I go about this problem?
Laide
Dear Laide ,
Since your husband has identified the
reason for his behavior , your challenge has
been made simple .
Forget the way he went about it; don ’ t
bother yourself with that because in more
ways than one, you are also very guilty of
not trying hard enough to protect your
home.
What were you looking at for this matter to
drag into five years ? Didn’ t it occur to you
that you could lose your home to another
woman or didn’ t it bother you one bit if that
happened ?
Honestly , the fact that you didn ’ t protest is
one cause for worry . Is it that you don ’ t
love your husband at all or assumed it was
normal for a man not to come close to his
wife for over five years ?
Beyond the issue of your dirt , is the need
for you and your husband to talk as frankly
as possible . How did he manage all those
years without sex?
No matter how principled a man is ,
temptation occurs from time to time . Being
Christians is no assurance that he lived
holy all these years . Sex to a full grown
normal adult, has no religion . When its
demands come on, it takes the grace of God
not to be tempted .
A man looking for an excuse to have an
affair has a ready- made one in your quality
of hygiene as well as with your ; I don ’ t care
attitude.
You both have to be very honest to
yourselves about this period to avoid any
unpleasant surprise in the future especially
for you.
The normal reactions to your kind of
challenge is either for the man to be mean
and announce his reason for avoiding the
company of his wife or stylishly inform the
wife of her problem with a view of helping
her overcome it.
That your husband did neither and appeared
so cold when discussing the issue with
your sets of parents is a clear signal that
you have a lot of work to be done in the
days ahead to re -engineer his interest in
you and the marriage .
It is also time for you to face reality . Don ’ t
assume he doesn ’ t have another woman
outside simply because you are both
Christians . It would not be out of place to
ask him in a very plain language if there is
already another woman outside and the
hope for your marriage .
One thing is for you to change ; another
thing is for the mess generated by these
five years to clear . Make it obvious you are
asking not to cause trouble but to help you
know how extensive your reformation
project would be and what you should
expect at the end of the journey . Also ask if
there are children outside your home whose
existence you should know of.
Both of you have to find the reasons you
got married in the myriad of problems
confronting your marriage and together
agree on the reasons you have to stay
together. This way , your marriage would
survive whatever comes out of this.
On the issue of your chronic dirt , it is as
simple as knowing how to bath well and
wash your under wears.
First and foremost , throw away all your
present underwears and invest on new
ones . Get a small bucket to soak your
pants in, overnight . Soak in detergent and
hot water before washing. This will get rid
of any unpleasant smell and accumulation
of dirt that comes from improper washing.
The surface of your pants must be soft after
drying ; that shows it has no cake of dirt on
it. When hard to the touch after drying ; it
shows you did a poor job of washing it.
Follow this by getting rid of your pubic hair
as well as the one under your arm pit . This
ensures no hair traps in any sweat bead or
secretion from your womanhood. Smell
from that are comes from improper handling
of the various secretions women contend
with every seasons of their lives.
Once trapped in the pubic hair , the woman
can ooze hence the need for you to first
clear the area clean of any hair . Also, after
your monthly flow, ensure you wash the
area with lime juice to remove any remnant
of odor caused by blood in the area .
Everyday, ensure you devote attention to
washing the area with sponge and soap .
Start from the front to the back. Ensure you
wash every fold thoroughly . Take your bath
twice a day and wipe yourself each time
you urinate to keep the area clean. The
belly button is another area that gathers
dirt . You must always wash the area each
time you bath. As a woman , lift your
breasts each time you take your bath and
wash under them to ensure no dirt finds
any hiding place there .
Also, behind and inside your ears must be
scrubbed each time you bath with sponge
to avoid dirt flakes finding home there just
as the space between your toes and fingers
must always be washed too .
From time to time , enlist the help of your
husband to wash your back thoroughly. As
a matter of fact , you can both turn this into
something very romantic to help both of
you mend fences again .
Apart from getting pregnant , there is the
need to ensure you create so many fun -
spots into your marriage to drive home
your need for each other .
Also, you must change your attitude to
fashion and life generally . Learn to use
deodorants and perfumes. Being Christians
doesn ’ t mean you should dress in
shapeless and drab clothes . The most
beautiful and wonderful things are from our
God so why should His children always
appear dirty and ugly ?
There is no reason you shouldn’ t be stylish
and beautiful . It is a must if you intend to
engage the interest of your husband at all
times.
My husband says I smell
I have a very embarrassing situation in my
home. I got married about six years ago
and for almost five and a half years , my
husband hasn ’ t slept with me.
Being indifferent to sex, I really didn ’ t notice
it at first. I only became bothered when it
persisted and my hunger to have my own
children became unquenchable and
embarrassing for me.
I had to cry out when his mother started
making big trouble for me. Although she ,
like my mother is one of those staunch born
again Christians who have never used
relaxers on their hair or worn ear- rings but
when it came to the issue of having a
grandchild , she threw the biblical teachings
of patience aside to issue an ultimatum to
me to produce a grandchild for her or leave
her son’ s house to enable another woman
who is capable of producing a child for her
son come in.
When the problems became too much as
well as the number of times I was forced to
go to the mountains to pray for the fruits of
the womb were becoming more than I could
tolerate, I had to open up to my mother that
there is no way I can get pregnant since my
husband stopped sharing my bed six
months into our marriage .
Even those few months he shared my bed;
it was as if he was in a great hurry to
leave . Once he was done, he would leave
the room , rush into the toilet to take his
bath and move into the living room to
sleep. Eventually he didn ’ t even bother to
sleep in our room. He simply moved to the
guest room and when we have visitors, he
would come into our room and sleep on the
floor . The only thing is that he eats my food
but talks to me only when necessary.
Honestly , if not for the child issue , I
wouldn ’ t have even asked him or told
anybody what the situation in my home
was .
My mother couldn’ t contain the information
so she went straight to my mother -in- law
to tell her what I told her .
Initially my mother -in- law said I was lying
but when she confronted her son with the
information; he didn’ t bother to deny it.
When asked why, he told our sets of
parents that I smell . He actually too a
match stick to scratch at the back of my
ears to prove his point . The flakes of dirt
that fell from the back of my ears so much
embarrassed me that I instantly began to
cry. He asked everybody , “ if she is this
dirty here , you can imagine her state where
it mattered the most . My father hissed ,
looked at my mother and said, like mother ;
like daughter .
To my pains when his father asked why he
didn’ t tell me; he said since I didn’ t
consider personal hygiene important , why
should he bother telling me ? That he did
what he thought was best by refusing to
share in my personal un- hygiene . Without
any feelings whatsoever, he said those few
times he attempted it , he vomited from the
stench . He also said , since I didn’ t bother
to ask why he was avoiding me, he also
didn’ t think it important to explain himself
to me.
To think my husband kept this from me
until I opened up beats my imagination.
How do I go about this problem?
Laide
Dear Laide ,
Since your husband has identified the
reason for his behavior , your challenge has
been made simple .
Forget the way he went about it; don ’ t
bother yourself with that because in more
ways than one, you are also very guilty of
not trying hard enough to protect your
home.
What were you looking at for this matter to
drag into five years ? Didn’ t it occur to you
that you could lose your home to another
woman or didn’ t it bother you one bit if that
happened ?
Honestly , the fact that you didn ’ t protest is
one cause for worry . Is it that you don ’ t
love your husband at all or assumed it was
normal for a man not to come close to his
wife for over five years ?
Beyond the issue of your dirt , is the need
for you and your husband to talk as frankly
as possible . How did he manage all those
years without sex?
No matter how principled a man is ,
temptation occurs from time to time . Being
Christians is no assurance that he lived
holy all these years . Sex to a full grown
normal adult, has no religion . When its
demands come on, it takes the grace of God
not to be tempted .
A man looking for an excuse to have an
affair has a ready- made one in your quality
of hygiene as well as with your ; I don ’ t care
attitude.
You both have to be very honest to
yourselves about this period to avoid any
unpleasant surprise in the future especially
for you.
The normal reactions to your kind of
challenge is either for the man to be mean
and announce his reason for avoiding the
company of his wife or stylishly inform the
wife of her problem with a view of helping
her overcome it.
That your husband did neither and appeared
so cold when discussing the issue with
your sets of parents is a clear signal that
you have a lot of work to be done in the
days ahead to re -engineer his interest in
you and the marriage .
It is also time for you to face reality . Don ’ t
assume he doesn ’ t have another woman
outside simply because you are both
Christians . It would not be out of place to
ask him in a very plain language if there is
already another woman outside and the
hope for your marriage .
One thing is for you to change ; another
thing is for the mess generated by these
five years to clear . Make it obvious you are
asking not to cause trouble but to help you
know how extensive your reformation
project would be and what you should
expect at the end of the journey . Also ask if
there are children outside your home whose
existence you should know of.
Both of you have to find the reasons you
got married in the myriad of problems
confronting your marriage and together
agree on the reasons you have to stay
together. This way , your marriage would
survive whatever comes out of this.
On the issue of your chronic dirt , it is as
simple as knowing how to bath well and
wash your under wears.
First and foremost , throw away all your
present underwears and invest on new
ones . Get a small bucket to soak your
pants in, overnight . Soak in detergent and
hot water before washing. This will get rid
of any unpleasant smell and accumulation
of dirt that comes from improper washing.
The surface of your pants must be soft after
drying ; that shows it has no cake of dirt on
it. When hard to the touch after drying ; it
shows you did a poor job of washing it.
Follow this by getting rid of your pubic hair
as well as the one under your arm pit . This
ensures no hair traps in any sweat bead or
secretion from your womanhood. Smell
from that are comes from improper handling
of the various secretions women contend
with every seasons of their lives.
Once trapped in the pubic hair , the woman
can ooze hence the need for you to first
clear the area clean of any hair . Also, after
your monthly flow, ensure you wash the
area with lime juice to remove any remnant
of odor caused by blood in the area .
Everyday, ensure you devote attention to
washing the area with sponge and soap .
Start from the front to the back. Ensure you
wash every fold thoroughly . Take your bath
twice a day and wipe yourself each time
you urinate to keep the area clean. The
belly button is another area that gathers
dirt . You must always wash the area each
time you bath. As a woman , lift your
breasts each time you take your bath and
wash under them to ensure no dirt finds
any hiding place there .
Also, behind and inside your ears must be
scrubbed each time you bath with sponge
to avoid dirt flakes finding home there just
as the space between your toes and fingers
must always be washed too .
From time to time , enlist the help of your
husband to wash your back thoroughly. As
a matter of fact , you can both turn this into
something very romantic to help both of
you mend fences again .
Apart from getting pregnant , there is the
need to ensure you create so many fun -
spots into your marriage to drive home
your need for each other .
Also, you must change your attitude to
fashion and life generally . Learn to use
deodorants and perfumes. Being Christians
doesn ’ t mean you should dress in
shapeless and drab clothes . The most
beautiful and wonderful things are from our
God so why should His children always
appear dirty and ugly ?
There is no reason you shouldn’ t be stylish
and beautiful . It is a must if you intend to
engage the interest of your husband at all
times.
home. I got married about six years ago
and for almost five and a half years , my
husband hasn ’ t slept with me.
Being indifferent to sex, I really didn ’ t notice
it at first. I only became bothered when it
persisted and my hunger to have my own
children became unquenchable and
embarrassing for me.
I had to cry out when his mother started
making big trouble for me. Although she ,
like my mother is one of those staunch born
again Christians who have never used
relaxers on their hair or worn ear- rings but
when it came to the issue of having a
grandchild , she threw the biblical teachings
of patience aside to issue an ultimatum to
me to produce a grandchild for her or leave
her son’ s house to enable another woman
who is capable of producing a child for her
son come in.
When the problems became too much as
well as the number of times I was forced to
go to the mountains to pray for the fruits of
the womb were becoming more than I could
tolerate, I had to open up to my mother that
there is no way I can get pregnant since my
husband stopped sharing my bed six
months into our marriage .
Even those few months he shared my bed;
it was as if he was in a great hurry to
leave . Once he was done, he would leave
the room , rush into the toilet to take his
bath and move into the living room to
sleep. Eventually he didn ’ t even bother to
sleep in our room. He simply moved to the
guest room and when we have visitors, he
would come into our room and sleep on the
floor . The only thing is that he eats my food
but talks to me only when necessary.
Honestly , if not for the child issue , I
wouldn ’ t have even asked him or told
anybody what the situation in my home
was .
My mother couldn’ t contain the information
so she went straight to my mother -in- law
to tell her what I told her .
Initially my mother -in- law said I was lying
but when she confronted her son with the
information; he didn’ t bother to deny it.
When asked why, he told our sets of
parents that I smell . He actually too a
match stick to scratch at the back of my
ears to prove his point . The flakes of dirt
that fell from the back of my ears so much
embarrassed me that I instantly began to
cry. He asked everybody , “ if she is this
dirty here , you can imagine her state where
it mattered the most . My father hissed ,
looked at my mother and said, like mother ;
like daughter .
To my pains when his father asked why he
didn’ t tell me; he said since I didn’ t
consider personal hygiene important , why
should he bother telling me ? That he did
what he thought was best by refusing to
share in my personal un- hygiene . Without
any feelings whatsoever, he said those few
times he attempted it , he vomited from the
stench . He also said , since I didn’ t bother
to ask why he was avoiding me, he also
didn’ t think it important to explain himself
to me.
To think my husband kept this from me
until I opened up beats my imagination.
How do I go about this problem?
Laide
Dear Laide ,
Since your husband has identified the
reason for his behavior , your challenge has
been made simple .
Forget the way he went about it; don ’ t
bother yourself with that because in more
ways than one, you are also very guilty of
not trying hard enough to protect your
home.
What were you looking at for this matter to
drag into five years ? Didn’ t it occur to you
that you could lose your home to another
woman or didn’ t it bother you one bit if that
happened ?
Honestly , the fact that you didn ’ t protest is
one cause for worry . Is it that you don ’ t
love your husband at all or assumed it was
normal for a man not to come close to his
wife for over five years ?
Beyond the issue of your dirt , is the need
for you and your husband to talk as frankly
as possible . How did he manage all those
years without sex?
No matter how principled a man is ,
temptation occurs from time to time . Being
Christians is no assurance that he lived
holy all these years . Sex to a full grown
normal adult, has no religion . When its
demands come on, it takes the grace of God
not to be tempted .
A man looking for an excuse to have an
affair has a ready- made one in your quality
of hygiene as well as with your ; I don ’ t care
attitude.
You both have to be very honest to
yourselves about this period to avoid any
unpleasant surprise in the future especially
for you.
The normal reactions to your kind of
challenge is either for the man to be mean
and announce his reason for avoiding the
company of his wife or stylishly inform the
wife of her problem with a view of helping
her overcome it.
That your husband did neither and appeared
so cold when discussing the issue with
your sets of parents is a clear signal that
you have a lot of work to be done in the
days ahead to re -engineer his interest in
you and the marriage .
It is also time for you to face reality . Don ’ t
assume he doesn ’ t have another woman
outside simply because you are both
Christians . It would not be out of place to
ask him in a very plain language if there is
already another woman outside and the
hope for your marriage .
One thing is for you to change ; another
thing is for the mess generated by these
five years to clear . Make it obvious you are
asking not to cause trouble but to help you
know how extensive your reformation
project would be and what you should
expect at the end of the journey . Also ask if
there are children outside your home whose
existence you should know of.
Both of you have to find the reasons you
got married in the myriad of problems
confronting your marriage and together
agree on the reasons you have to stay
together. This way , your marriage would
survive whatever comes out of this.
On the issue of your chronic dirt , it is as
simple as knowing how to bath well and
wash your under wears.
First and foremost , throw away all your
present underwears and invest on new
ones . Get a small bucket to soak your
pants in, overnight . Soak in detergent and
hot water before washing. This will get rid
of any unpleasant smell and accumulation
of dirt that comes from improper washing.
The surface of your pants must be soft after
drying ; that shows it has no cake of dirt on
it. When hard to the touch after drying ; it
shows you did a poor job of washing it.
Follow this by getting rid of your pubic hair
as well as the one under your arm pit . This
ensures no hair traps in any sweat bead or
secretion from your womanhood. Smell
from that are comes from improper handling
of the various secretions women contend
with every seasons of their lives.
Once trapped in the pubic hair , the woman
can ooze hence the need for you to first
clear the area clean of any hair . Also, after
your monthly flow, ensure you wash the
area with lime juice to remove any remnant
of odor caused by blood in the area .
Everyday, ensure you devote attention to
washing the area with sponge and soap .
Start from the front to the back. Ensure you
wash every fold thoroughly . Take your bath
twice a day and wipe yourself each time
you urinate to keep the area clean. The
belly button is another area that gathers
dirt . You must always wash the area each
time you bath. As a woman , lift your
breasts each time you take your bath and
wash under them to ensure no dirt finds
any hiding place there .
Also, behind and inside your ears must be
scrubbed each time you bath with sponge
to avoid dirt flakes finding home there just
as the space between your toes and fingers
must always be washed too .
From time to time , enlist the help of your
husband to wash your back thoroughly. As
a matter of fact , you can both turn this into
something very romantic to help both of
you mend fences again .
Apart from getting pregnant , there is the
need to ensure you create so many fun -
spots into your marriage to drive home
your need for each other .
Also, you must change your attitude to
fashion and life generally . Learn to use
deodorants and perfumes. Being Christians
doesn ’ t mean you should dress in
shapeless and drab clothes . The most
beautiful and wonderful things are from our
God so why should His children always
appear dirty and ugly ?
There is no reason you shouldn’ t be stylish
and beautiful . It is a must if you intend to
engage the interest of your husband at all
times.
His brother raped me years ago
There is this man I have been dating for
three years . He finally proposed to me in
January. I was overjoyed because our
relationship apart from dragging was
characterised by every imaginable
challenge. Apart from my attitude to sex
which can best be described as cold , he
was also very impatient and had so many
ladies contending for his attention .
The first time he tried to make love to me I
practically went cold on him because of the
very bad experience I had four years before
I met him. I was raped in my hostel by the
one man I trusted the most – my boyfriend
at the time.
I was still a virgin and told him I won ’ t
allow him until we got married . On the day
it happened , he came to the hostel just as
I started dressing . I was the only one in the
room but because I thought he could be
trusted I continued with my dressing.
Before I knew what he had in mind, he
pinned me to the bed, removed my very
limited clothing , it was very easy for him to
have his way . The worst were the things he
said to me afterwards . He jeered and said ,
you think you are so special because of
that useless thing called virginity . I have
gotten what I set out to have ; I don ’ t need
you again . He didn ’ t stop there ; he must
have told his friends who made life very
difficult for me whenever they see me .
Being new, I had nobody to turn to . They
were in their final year .
I had to tell my mother what happened .
She promptly changed my school but that
didn’ t stop the ache and mistrust for men
in my heart .
Until I graduated, I kept away from men .
My boyfriend came at the time I was ready
to love again .
Even at that , those initial years weren ’ t
easy as our different experiences almost
swallowed up the relationship .
However, we stabilised after I told him the
story of my past . From that point he
became sympathetic and patient with me .
I had almost forgotten the rape experience
when the man who did the damage to me
appeared again into my life as the
immediate elder brother to my fiancé. He
pretended not to recognise me when the
introductions were made . But he called me
later to plead with me not to tell my
boyfriend because it would cause them to
fight. I didn ’ t respond to him at all : instead
I disconnected the line .
Observing how my boyfriend behaved
towards him prompted me to ask him
probing questions regarding his relationship
with his elder brother.
Although he didn’ t want to but he
eventually told me that his brother once
raped the girl he first brought home as his
girlfriend.
I almost told him of what he did to me but
ended up not saying anything . This is why
I want your help . My fear is that if my
fiancé finds out that his brother was the
man I told him raped me , it would really
affect their relationship .
I don’ t want to be the reason for any more
bad blood between the two brothers . I
don’ t want his family to think I have come
to create more problems between the two
brothers . Please help me .
Aisha.
Dear Aisha,
Have you also considered what would
happen to your relationship with your
boyfriend if he finds out that you kept such
useful information from him ? Don’ t you
think he would think you deliberately kept it
because you enjoyed what his brother did
to you even though it was against your will
and that you may want the opportunity to
continue with him?
What if his brother turns around to use that
incident to blackmail you later in life? For a
person with such a track record, you cannot
afford to be so trusting of him or give him
the chance to use anything against you. The
truth is , if you don ’ t tell your boyfriend, he
could easily rape you again as he would
use his relationship with your boyfriend to
get close enough to you to hurt you all over
again .
By then, nothing you say would make sense
to your man or any other member of the
family . The natural questions would be why
didn’ t you say anything about the incident
when you first met him ? Why did you allow
him to pretend he was meeting you for the
first time?
Even though you allowed an opportunity to
open up to your boyfriend about the identity
of your attacker slip by , it isn ’ t late to open
up to your man. Tell him the shock of
meeting your attacker and getting to know
of his relationship to him made you so
confused on how to handle the situation .
He would understand if you explain your
bewilderment to him. Don ’ t feel guilty
about marring their relationship ; from what
your boyfriend told you and his behaviour
towards his elder brother , they don’ t even
have a relationship beyond the biological
connection of being brothers .
To aid him in concealing his violation of
your body is to help him in continuing with
this crime . Such a man needs to be
exposed to protect other unsuspecting
females from being attacked by him .
It will also help your boyfriend to know how
to protect you from him by either moving
away far from him or preventing him from
gaining access into his home .
Your violation isn ’ t just a one off thing .
From the story his brother told you about
him, it has become habitual . When a man
rapes two women at different times, he has
become a serial rapist. Such men don ’ t
change over night because your case and
that of your fiancé’ s ex are just the known
ones ; there could be several women out
there he has also abused sexually .
Some men actually get their pleasures from
seeing women hurt and pleading with them
for mercy . If this is the case, no female is
safe from him; not even his sisters .
This is why you must speak out so that his
parents can seek help ; he obviously needs
to beat this habit. This isn ’ t causing trouble
but helping them , the family to realise the
gravity of his sickness .
In situations like this, it is always easy for
family members to delude themselves that
what happened was just an isolated one
hence doesn ’ t make the person involved
sick. But hearing that he also attacked you
will make them face the situation with all
the seriousness it deserves.
Don’ t worry about the reactions of the
family ; just give the information to your
fiancé. Leave the decision of what he does
with the information to him . From that
point , you are no longer liable for
concealing information from him.
Well , naturally the family may want to
protect their own and put the blame on you;
it is the easiest option for a family
determined to keep family secrets safe but
that will not stop the matter from getting to
a boiling point since he is likely to do it to
a lady who will make a huge problem out of
it.
And if your fear is ; will the family allow
your wedding to their son go ahead ? Don’ t
worry. If God has sanctioned it, nobody can
stop it.
three years . He finally proposed to me in
January. I was overjoyed because our
relationship apart from dragging was
characterised by every imaginable
challenge. Apart from my attitude to sex
which can best be described as cold , he
was also very impatient and had so many
ladies contending for his attention .
The first time he tried to make love to me I
practically went cold on him because of the
very bad experience I had four years before
I met him. I was raped in my hostel by the
one man I trusted the most – my boyfriend
at the time.
I was still a virgin and told him I won ’ t
allow him until we got married . On the day
it happened , he came to the hostel just as
I started dressing . I was the only one in the
room but because I thought he could be
trusted I continued with my dressing.
Before I knew what he had in mind, he
pinned me to the bed, removed my very
limited clothing , it was very easy for him to
have his way . The worst were the things he
said to me afterwards . He jeered and said ,
you think you are so special because of
that useless thing called virginity . I have
gotten what I set out to have ; I don ’ t need
you again . He didn ’ t stop there ; he must
have told his friends who made life very
difficult for me whenever they see me .
Being new, I had nobody to turn to . They
were in their final year .
I had to tell my mother what happened .
She promptly changed my school but that
didn’ t stop the ache and mistrust for men
in my heart .
Until I graduated, I kept away from men .
My boyfriend came at the time I was ready
to love again .
Even at that , those initial years weren ’ t
easy as our different experiences almost
swallowed up the relationship .
However, we stabilised after I told him the
story of my past . From that point he
became sympathetic and patient with me .
I had almost forgotten the rape experience
when the man who did the damage to me
appeared again into my life as the
immediate elder brother to my fiancé. He
pretended not to recognise me when the
introductions were made . But he called me
later to plead with me not to tell my
boyfriend because it would cause them to
fight. I didn ’ t respond to him at all : instead
I disconnected the line .
Observing how my boyfriend behaved
towards him prompted me to ask him
probing questions regarding his relationship
with his elder brother.
Although he didn’ t want to but he
eventually told me that his brother once
raped the girl he first brought home as his
girlfriend.
I almost told him of what he did to me but
ended up not saying anything . This is why
I want your help . My fear is that if my
fiancé finds out that his brother was the
man I told him raped me , it would really
affect their relationship .
I don’ t want to be the reason for any more
bad blood between the two brothers . I
don’ t want his family to think I have come
to create more problems between the two
brothers . Please help me .
Aisha.
Dear Aisha,
Have you also considered what would
happen to your relationship with your
boyfriend if he finds out that you kept such
useful information from him ? Don’ t you
think he would think you deliberately kept it
because you enjoyed what his brother did
to you even though it was against your will
and that you may want the opportunity to
continue with him?
What if his brother turns around to use that
incident to blackmail you later in life? For a
person with such a track record, you cannot
afford to be so trusting of him or give him
the chance to use anything against you. The
truth is , if you don ’ t tell your boyfriend, he
could easily rape you again as he would
use his relationship with your boyfriend to
get close enough to you to hurt you all over
again .
By then, nothing you say would make sense
to your man or any other member of the
family . The natural questions would be why
didn’ t you say anything about the incident
when you first met him ? Why did you allow
him to pretend he was meeting you for the
first time?
Even though you allowed an opportunity to
open up to your boyfriend about the identity
of your attacker slip by , it isn ’ t late to open
up to your man. Tell him the shock of
meeting your attacker and getting to know
of his relationship to him made you so
confused on how to handle the situation .
He would understand if you explain your
bewilderment to him. Don ’ t feel guilty
about marring their relationship ; from what
your boyfriend told you and his behaviour
towards his elder brother , they don’ t even
have a relationship beyond the biological
connection of being brothers .
To aid him in concealing his violation of
your body is to help him in continuing with
this crime . Such a man needs to be
exposed to protect other unsuspecting
females from being attacked by him .
It will also help your boyfriend to know how
to protect you from him by either moving
away far from him or preventing him from
gaining access into his home .
Your violation isn ’ t just a one off thing .
From the story his brother told you about
him, it has become habitual . When a man
rapes two women at different times, he has
become a serial rapist. Such men don ’ t
change over night because your case and
that of your fiancé’ s ex are just the known
ones ; there could be several women out
there he has also abused sexually .
Some men actually get their pleasures from
seeing women hurt and pleading with them
for mercy . If this is the case, no female is
safe from him; not even his sisters .
This is why you must speak out so that his
parents can seek help ; he obviously needs
to beat this habit. This isn ’ t causing trouble
but helping them , the family to realise the
gravity of his sickness .
In situations like this, it is always easy for
family members to delude themselves that
what happened was just an isolated one
hence doesn ’ t make the person involved
sick. But hearing that he also attacked you
will make them face the situation with all
the seriousness it deserves.
Don’ t worry about the reactions of the
family ; just give the information to your
fiancé. Leave the decision of what he does
with the information to him . From that
point , you are no longer liable for
concealing information from him.
Well , naturally the family may want to
protect their own and put the blame on you;
it is the easiest option for a family
determined to keep family secrets safe but
that will not stop the matter from getting to
a boiling point since he is likely to do it to
a lady who will make a huge problem out of
it.
And if your fear is ; will the family allow
your wedding to their son go ahead ? Don’ t
worry. If God has sanctioned it, nobody can
stop it.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Addiction
My Husband’s Sex Addiction Drove Me to
Divorce Him
Early on in a relationship, the sex is new and
exciting and awesome. And you want it all. The.
Time. There’s that new love euphoria that clouds
your rationality that maybe there’s more to life
than being physically intimate with this person,
because omg! the touching just feels so good, and
he seems to love your body, and your body loves
his body, and crazy awesome hormones are
pumping through your veins, and it really is like
being in an altered state of reality.
When you’re in a new relationship with someone
you really like, and they really like you too, you
basically both become sex addicts. You want it
when you want it, and damn the consequences. So
what if you’re a little late to work — that quickie
before you got out of bed that morning was totally
worth it.
Eventually though, those feelings settle down, and
you either break up or you move to a new level of
the relationship; one that maybe isn’t quite as
exciting , but definitely much more comfortable.
You get to know each other’s bodies really well,
but you also get to know each other better, and
pick up on each other’s cues, and respect them
and take care of them, and know that it’s ok if
they’re occasionally not feeling the groove.
Unless you’re with a sex addict.
I didn’t realize I’d married a sex addict until years
after our wedding day. We only dated for a few
months before we got married, so basically I was
still in sex-addict mode myself when I promised to
love him until I died.
Eventually, I’d start wishing I were dead.
My ex-husband truly believed he owned my body
and that I was in the wrong if I ever denied him
access. When I wouldn’t give in to his advances
because I was friggin’ tired from taking care of
little kids, or not feeling well, or just because I
didn’t feel like it right then, he would coldly turn
his back on me and heave deep sighs of put-
upon-ness, and I would cry myself to sleep
because I just wanted to feel loved without having
to have sex.
More from The Stir : Sex Addiction’s Surprising
Ties to Mental Illness
He told me that he was being respectful by only
wanting it daily, because he thought three times a
day or more would be a good amount, but even
he realized that was a bit much to ask of a wife.
See? He was being really respectful of me! Why
didn’t I appreciate him more?
When you’re with someone that wants it all the
time, there’s never a chance for you to want it.
You know he’s constantly thinking about it. It’s
the only way he feels like he’s living, and it drains
the life out of you.
He turned to porn. I wished he would turn to other
women, but as the long-suffering husband, I don’t
think his psyche would allow for it. The porn
further warped his sexual expectations, and his
bitterness at my continued reluctance to be
physically intimate with him more than three or
four times a week grew.
He started ignoring me outside of the bedroom too,
and I don’t think we had one real conversation the
last two years of our marriage. I tried to talk to
him about it, but he said there was no problem
and it was all in my head, and he looooooved me
so much. It was my problem, not his.
Eventually I started declining more and more, and
when he touched me, I would inwardly cringe. All
touch leads to sex. One of the red flags I had
ignored early on in our relationship was his
comment that there was no point in touching if it
wasn’t going to lead to sex.
When he started just climbing on top of me, I
didn’t call it rape because I didn’t stop him, even
though I had told him I didn’t want to do it. I lay
there, hating myself and hating him and wishing he
would cheat on me so I could have an excuse to
leave. He hated that I didn’t seem into anymore.
We went to couples therapy and the therapist
wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I didn’t
have the fortitude at that point to try another
therapist. Meanwhile, I had started individual
counseling and was slowly re-establishing my own
self-worth.
One night when I really did push him away, he
punched the pillow next to my head, and for the
first time, I was really scared. He turned his back
on me and in minutes was snoring. I lay awake all
night wondering what to do.
I started saving money. I gave up trying to talk to
him. We were like two ice cubes living together.
The kids were anxious a lot. A few months after
the pillow-hitting incident, I hired an attorney and
filed for divorce. I moved out with the kids with
nothing but the photo albums, some clothes, and
my car.
Then all hell broke loose, because all of a sudden I
was the heartless bitch that left her devoted, loyal
husband without just cause. I’ve been called a
whore to my face. I’ve lost friends, and
acquaintances look at me with pity reserved for
those that are making major mistakes. I’ve been
told I’m ruining my kids’ lives, but the truth is that
they’re doing better than ever.
I’m doing better too. My body is mine again, and I
will never again let someone convince me that I
don’t have total ownership over it.
Divorce Him
Early on in a relationship, the sex is new and
exciting and awesome. And you want it all. The.
Time. There’s that new love euphoria that clouds
your rationality that maybe there’s more to life
than being physically intimate with this person,
because omg! the touching just feels so good, and
he seems to love your body, and your body loves
his body, and crazy awesome hormones are
pumping through your veins, and it really is like
being in an altered state of reality.
When you’re in a new relationship with someone
you really like, and they really like you too, you
basically both become sex addicts. You want it
when you want it, and damn the consequences. So
what if you’re a little late to work — that quickie
before you got out of bed that morning was totally
worth it.
Eventually though, those feelings settle down, and
you either break up or you move to a new level of
the relationship; one that maybe isn’t quite as
exciting , but definitely much more comfortable.
You get to know each other’s bodies really well,
but you also get to know each other better, and
pick up on each other’s cues, and respect them
and take care of them, and know that it’s ok if
they’re occasionally not feeling the groove.
Unless you’re with a sex addict.
I didn’t realize I’d married a sex addict until years
after our wedding day. We only dated for a few
months before we got married, so basically I was
still in sex-addict mode myself when I promised to
love him until I died.
Eventually, I’d start wishing I were dead.
My ex-husband truly believed he owned my body
and that I was in the wrong if I ever denied him
access. When I wouldn’t give in to his advances
because I was friggin’ tired from taking care of
little kids, or not feeling well, or just because I
didn’t feel like it right then, he would coldly turn
his back on me and heave deep sighs of put-
upon-ness, and I would cry myself to sleep
because I just wanted to feel loved without having
to have sex.
More from The Stir : Sex Addiction’s Surprising
Ties to Mental Illness
He told me that he was being respectful by only
wanting it daily, because he thought three times a
day or more would be a good amount, but even
he realized that was a bit much to ask of a wife.
See? He was being really respectful of me! Why
didn’t I appreciate him more?
When you’re with someone that wants it all the
time, there’s never a chance for you to want it.
You know he’s constantly thinking about it. It’s
the only way he feels like he’s living, and it drains
the life out of you.
He turned to porn. I wished he would turn to other
women, but as the long-suffering husband, I don’t
think his psyche would allow for it. The porn
further warped his sexual expectations, and his
bitterness at my continued reluctance to be
physically intimate with him more than three or
four times a week grew.
He started ignoring me outside of the bedroom too,
and I don’t think we had one real conversation the
last two years of our marriage. I tried to talk to
him about it, but he said there was no problem
and it was all in my head, and he looooooved me
so much. It was my problem, not his.
Eventually I started declining more and more, and
when he touched me, I would inwardly cringe. All
touch leads to sex. One of the red flags I had
ignored early on in our relationship was his
comment that there was no point in touching if it
wasn’t going to lead to sex.
When he started just climbing on top of me, I
didn’t call it rape because I didn’t stop him, even
though I had told him I didn’t want to do it. I lay
there, hating myself and hating him and wishing he
would cheat on me so I could have an excuse to
leave. He hated that I didn’t seem into anymore.
We went to couples therapy and the therapist
wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I didn’t
have the fortitude at that point to try another
therapist. Meanwhile, I had started individual
counseling and was slowly re-establishing my own
self-worth.
One night when I really did push him away, he
punched the pillow next to my head, and for the
first time, I was really scared. He turned his back
on me and in minutes was snoring. I lay awake all
night wondering what to do.
I started saving money. I gave up trying to talk to
him. We were like two ice cubes living together.
The kids were anxious a lot. A few months after
the pillow-hitting incident, I hired an attorney and
filed for divorce. I moved out with the kids with
nothing but the photo albums, some clothes, and
my car.
Then all hell broke loose, because all of a sudden I
was the heartless bitch that left her devoted, loyal
husband without just cause. I’ve been called a
whore to my face. I’ve lost friends, and
acquaintances look at me with pity reserved for
those that are making major mistakes. I’ve been
told I’m ruining my kids’ lives, but the truth is that
they’re doing better than ever.
I’m doing better too. My body is mine again, and I
will never again let someone convince me that I
don’t have total ownership over it.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
My husband's family did not attend our wedding
My husband married me traditionally . None
of his family members was present at the
ceremony. When I questioned him about it,
he said, when the time comes , I would get
to know them.
When I gave birth, I still didn ’ t see any of
them ; that got me curious enough to ask if
he has a wife I should know of. It was then
he told me about his son.
Even though he denied being married to the
mother of his son; I discovered he lied
about that.
Please what should I do ?
Worried Woman .
Dear Worried Woman,
Why would you consent to such an
arrangement of him coming to meet with
your family without any member of his own
immediate family ? What kind of marriage
takes place between a man and a woman
without the presence of any member of his
family ?
So who were those that came with him to
your family if no member of his family was
with him ? The truth is , you are responsible
for whatever deceit this man played on you.
The fact that he didn ’ t come with any
member of his family should have told you
instantly that something wasn ’ t right; that
he had a different agenda and something to
hide about his person . Even if the whole
family was against his association with you;
at least one or two of them would still have
come with him .
That you allowed him get away with it,
deceived your family the way he did, shows
that you too were very desperate to get
married hence didn’ t mind whatever means
he deployed to make your wish a reality .
If you weren ’ t so in need of a marriage , he
wouldn ’ t have been able to get through with
his plans to marry you in such a deceitful
manner . No matter the consequence to your
pride , you would have prevented him from
paying your bride price when you
discovered his game plan .
Even though you may not agree with this,
something inside of you must have raised
the alarm that this man is married and
avoiding his wife finding out about you.
There and then you should have demanded
for answers at least before going on. Also,
why didn ’ t you insist immediately after the
traditional wedding to see his family, even if
it was only his mother or father? Why didn ’ t
you find out about his family and go to
introduce yourself having paid your bride
price? What prevented you from going ?
What woman in your shoes sits comfortably
for her husband to take her to his family ?
Weren’ t you even curious enough to know
why no member of his family came with
him by going out yourself to fetch the
truth?
You didn ’ t go because something in your
guts told you about the presence of a wife
somewhere .
To be frank , you are not married in the eyes
of his family members or the law because
all the people that came with him to ask for
your hand in marriage were hired hands .
That arrangement cannot stand up in court
because a traditional marriage is usually
between the two families.
What he did with you is simply a charade
since his family can confidently say you are
a stranger to them or at best his mistress if
they want to be charitable to you; so don’ t
put too much hope on that.
Since you have finally summoned the
courage to face the truth you have been
trying to deny since he came with strangers
to pay your bride price, the ideal thing is for
you to pull out of whatever commitment you
have to each other and face life with your
child alone .
This is because this man didn’ t come with
an honest agenda . Everything he has told
you has turned out to be a lie. If he can
hire people to come with him to pay your
bride price, there is nothing stopping him
from hiring the same crowd to pay for
another woman ’ s bride price.
This is the junction you get to and take a
firm stand. It may not be what you want but
do what you have to do in the interest of
your child and you.
Despite the wrong starting ; insist on him
introducing your child to his family to
insure the child in that family . Find ways of
making him bring the child into his family ;
this is important for the psychological well -
being of the child in the future .
As for you, end whatever you both have
going for you. He has a wife ; don ’ t allow
him drag you into whatever problem they
maybe having . If he doesn ’ t want the other
woman he should be bold enough to end
the marriage and not make mess of your
life.
As you may have found out from his
deceitful marriage to you, marriage is
sacred and must not be toyed with .
Whatever his problem is , let him go and
sort it out with his wife because marriage is
a forever journey. He had no right to involve
you in whatever his problem is with his
wife . He made his choice and should have
the guts to stick to the consequences of
that choice rather than go outside his home
for solutions to his problems .
This is because there is no relationship
between a man and woman without
challenges . Like he has with his wife , a
time would come too when he would also
have issues with you. How would you feel if
he goes behind you to marry another
woman ? Put yourself in his wife ’ s shoes.
No matter what your excuses are , who
would believe you never knew about the
other woman ? Who would you tell you
didn’ t go out of your way to attract and
marry another woman ’ s husband? In the
minds of people , you will always be the
woman who stole another woman ’ s
husband even though that wasn ’ t your
intentions.
It is a different thing if you planned to marry
a married man but being dragged into his
mess is something you can still reject
despite the charade you call a marriage .
Even though he may have his reasons for
doing what he did, only cowards and
insincere men do what he did.
Therefore , if introducing his child to his
family is the last thing he does for his
child ; insist he goes to his family with the
child to avoid future rejection by his
paternal family especially, if the woman at
home is vicious and manipulative .
It is this innocent child whose future you
must do everything to protect .
Also, insist he sets you up so that you can
have the means to stand on your own and
look after the child you both have .
Obviously, he has taken on some
responsibilities for you and your child . Let
him continue to do this but make it clear
you are now free from whatever sexual
obligations you have towards him .
Overtime, you will be free to pursue a
relationship that is truthful to you and him.
Refund whatever money he paid on you as
bride price to be free from the so called
marriage . Although it maybe painful , but
this relationship is premised on lies hence
isn ’ t worth pursuing . This man belongs to
another woman , not you.
of his family members was present at the
ceremony. When I questioned him about it,
he said, when the time comes , I would get
to know them.
When I gave birth, I still didn ’ t see any of
them ; that got me curious enough to ask if
he has a wife I should know of. It was then
he told me about his son.
Even though he denied being married to the
mother of his son; I discovered he lied
about that.
Please what should I do ?
Worried Woman .
Dear Worried Woman,
Why would you consent to such an
arrangement of him coming to meet with
your family without any member of his own
immediate family ? What kind of marriage
takes place between a man and a woman
without the presence of any member of his
family ?
So who were those that came with him to
your family if no member of his family was
with him ? The truth is , you are responsible
for whatever deceit this man played on you.
The fact that he didn ’ t come with any
member of his family should have told you
instantly that something wasn ’ t right; that
he had a different agenda and something to
hide about his person . Even if the whole
family was against his association with you;
at least one or two of them would still have
come with him .
That you allowed him get away with it,
deceived your family the way he did, shows
that you too were very desperate to get
married hence didn’ t mind whatever means
he deployed to make your wish a reality .
If you weren ’ t so in need of a marriage , he
wouldn ’ t have been able to get through with
his plans to marry you in such a deceitful
manner . No matter the consequence to your
pride , you would have prevented him from
paying your bride price when you
discovered his game plan .
Even though you may not agree with this,
something inside of you must have raised
the alarm that this man is married and
avoiding his wife finding out about you.
There and then you should have demanded
for answers at least before going on. Also,
why didn ’ t you insist immediately after the
traditional wedding to see his family, even if
it was only his mother or father? Why didn ’ t
you find out about his family and go to
introduce yourself having paid your bride
price? What prevented you from going ?
What woman in your shoes sits comfortably
for her husband to take her to his family ?
Weren’ t you even curious enough to know
why no member of his family came with
him by going out yourself to fetch the
truth?
You didn ’ t go because something in your
guts told you about the presence of a wife
somewhere .
To be frank , you are not married in the eyes
of his family members or the law because
all the people that came with him to ask for
your hand in marriage were hired hands .
That arrangement cannot stand up in court
because a traditional marriage is usually
between the two families.
What he did with you is simply a charade
since his family can confidently say you are
a stranger to them or at best his mistress if
they want to be charitable to you; so don’ t
put too much hope on that.
Since you have finally summoned the
courage to face the truth you have been
trying to deny since he came with strangers
to pay your bride price, the ideal thing is for
you to pull out of whatever commitment you
have to each other and face life with your
child alone .
This is because this man didn’ t come with
an honest agenda . Everything he has told
you has turned out to be a lie. If he can
hire people to come with him to pay your
bride price, there is nothing stopping him
from hiring the same crowd to pay for
another woman ’ s bride price.
This is the junction you get to and take a
firm stand. It may not be what you want but
do what you have to do in the interest of
your child and you.
Despite the wrong starting ; insist on him
introducing your child to his family to
insure the child in that family . Find ways of
making him bring the child into his family ;
this is important for the psychological well -
being of the child in the future .
As for you, end whatever you both have
going for you. He has a wife ; don ’ t allow
him drag you into whatever problem they
maybe having . If he doesn ’ t want the other
woman he should be bold enough to end
the marriage and not make mess of your
life.
As you may have found out from his
deceitful marriage to you, marriage is
sacred and must not be toyed with .
Whatever his problem is , let him go and
sort it out with his wife because marriage is
a forever journey. He had no right to involve
you in whatever his problem is with his
wife . He made his choice and should have
the guts to stick to the consequences of
that choice rather than go outside his home
for solutions to his problems .
This is because there is no relationship
between a man and woman without
challenges . Like he has with his wife , a
time would come too when he would also
have issues with you. How would you feel if
he goes behind you to marry another
woman ? Put yourself in his wife ’ s shoes.
No matter what your excuses are , who
would believe you never knew about the
other woman ? Who would you tell you
didn’ t go out of your way to attract and
marry another woman ’ s husband? In the
minds of people , you will always be the
woman who stole another woman ’ s
husband even though that wasn ’ t your
intentions.
It is a different thing if you planned to marry
a married man but being dragged into his
mess is something you can still reject
despite the charade you call a marriage .
Even though he may have his reasons for
doing what he did, only cowards and
insincere men do what he did.
Therefore , if introducing his child to his
family is the last thing he does for his
child ; insist he goes to his family with the
child to avoid future rejection by his
paternal family especially, if the woman at
home is vicious and manipulative .
It is this innocent child whose future you
must do everything to protect .
Also, insist he sets you up so that you can
have the means to stand on your own and
look after the child you both have .
Obviously, he has taken on some
responsibilities for you and your child . Let
him continue to do this but make it clear
you are now free from whatever sexual
obligations you have towards him .
Overtime, you will be free to pursue a
relationship that is truthful to you and him.
Refund whatever money he paid on you as
bride price to be free from the so called
marriage . Although it maybe painful , but
this relationship is premised on lies hence
isn ’ t worth pursuing . This man belongs to
another woman , not you.
My husband's family did not attend our wedding
My husband married me traditionally . None
of his family members was present at the
ceremony. When I questioned him about it,
he said, when the time comes , I would get
to know them.
When I gave birth, I still didn ’ t see any of
them ; that got me curious enough to ask if
he has a wife I should know of. It was then
he told me about his son.
Even though he denied being married to the
mother of his son; I discovered he lied
about that.
Please what should I do ?
Worried Woman .
Dear Worried Woman,
Why would you consent to such an
arrangement of him coming to meet with
your family without any member of his own
immediate family ? What kind of marriage
takes place between a man and a woman
without the presence of any member of his
family ?
So who were those that came with him to
your family if no member of his family was
with him ? The truth is , you are responsible
for whatever deceit this man played on you.
The fact that he didn ’ t come with any
member of his family should have told you
instantly that something wasn ’ t right; that
he had a different agenda and something to
hide about his person . Even if the whole
family was against his association with you;
at least one or two of them would still have
come with him .
That you allowed him get away with it,
deceived your family the way he did, shows
that you too were very desperate to get
married hence didn’ t mind whatever means
he deployed to make your wish a reality .
If you weren ’ t so in need of a marriage , he
wouldn ’ t have been able to get through with
his plans to marry you in such a deceitful
manner . No matter the consequence to your
pride , you would have prevented him from
paying your bride price when you
discovered his game plan .
Even though you may not agree with this,
something inside of you must have raised
the alarm that this man is married and
avoiding his wife finding out about you.
There and then you should have demanded
for answers at least before going on. Also,
why didn ’ t you insist immediately after the
traditional wedding to see his family, even if
it was only his mother or father? Why didn ’ t
you find out about his family and go to
introduce yourself having paid your bride
price? What prevented you from going ?
What woman in your shoes sits comfortably
for her husband to take her to his family ?
Weren’ t you even curious enough to know
why no member of his family came with
him by going out yourself to fetch the
truth?
You didn ’ t go because something in your
guts told you about the presence of a wife
somewhere .
To be frank , you are not married in the eyes
of his family members or the law because
all the people that came with him to ask for
your hand in marriage were hired hands .
That arrangement cannot stand up in court
because a traditional marriage is usually
between the two families.
What he did with you is simply a charade
since his family can confidently say you are
a stranger to them or at best his mistress if
they want to be charitable to you; so don’ t
put too much hope on that.
Since you have finally summoned the
courage to face the truth you have been
trying to deny since he came with strangers
to pay your bride price, the ideal thing is for
you to pull out of whatever commitment you
have to each other and face life with your
child alone .
This is because this man didn’ t come with
an honest agenda . Everything he has told
you has turned out to be a lie. If he can
hire people to come with him to pay your
bride price, there is nothing stopping him
from hiring the same crowd to pay for
another woman ’ s bride price.
This is the junction you get to and take a
firm stand. It may not be what you want but
do what you have to do in the interest of
your child and you.
Despite the wrong starting ; insist on him
introducing your child to his family to
insure the child in that family . Find ways of
making him bring the child into his family ;
this is important for the psychological well -
being of the child in the future .
As for you, end whatever you both have
going for you. He has a wife ; don ’ t allow
him drag you into whatever problem they
maybe having . If he doesn ’ t want the other
woman he should be bold enough to end
the marriage and not make mess of your
life.
As you may have found out from his
deceitful marriage to you, marriage is
sacred and must not be toyed with .
Whatever his problem is , let him go and
sort it out with his wife because marriage is
a forever journey. He had no right to involve
you in whatever his problem is with his
wife . He made his choice and should have
the guts to stick to the consequences of
that choice rather than go outside his home
for solutions to his problems .
This is because there is no relationship
between a man and woman without
challenges . Like he has with his wife , a
time would come too when he would also
have issues with you. How would you feel if
he goes behind you to marry another
woman ? Put yourself in his wife ’ s shoes.
No matter what your excuses are , who
would believe you never knew about the
other woman ? Who would you tell you
didn’ t go out of your way to attract and
marry another woman ’ s husband? In the
minds of people , you will always be the
woman who stole another woman ’ s
husband even though that wasn ’ t your
intentions.
It is a different thing if you planned to marry
a married man but being dragged into his
mess is something you can still reject
despite the charade you call a marriage .
Even though he may have his reasons for
doing what he did, only cowards and
insincere men do what he did.
Therefore , if introducing his child to his
family is the last thing he does for his
child ; insist he goes to his family with the
child to avoid future rejection by his
paternal family especially, if the woman at
home is vicious and manipulative .
It is this innocent child whose future you
must do everything to protect .
Also, insist he sets you up so that you can
have the means to stand on your own and
look after the child you both have .
Obviously, he has taken on some
responsibilities for you and your child . Let
him continue to do this but make it clear
you are now free from whatever sexual
obligations you have towards him .
Overtime, you will be free to pursue a
relationship that is truthful to you and him.
Refund whatever money he paid on you as
bride price to be free from the so called
marriage . Although it maybe painful , but
this relationship is premised on lies hence
isn ’ t worth pursuing . This man belongs to
another woman , not you.
of his family members was present at the
ceremony. When I questioned him about it,
he said, when the time comes , I would get
to know them.
When I gave birth, I still didn ’ t see any of
them ; that got me curious enough to ask if
he has a wife I should know of. It was then
he told me about his son.
Even though he denied being married to the
mother of his son; I discovered he lied
about that.
Please what should I do ?
Worried Woman .
Dear Worried Woman,
Why would you consent to such an
arrangement of him coming to meet with
your family without any member of his own
immediate family ? What kind of marriage
takes place between a man and a woman
without the presence of any member of his
family ?
So who were those that came with him to
your family if no member of his family was
with him ? The truth is , you are responsible
for whatever deceit this man played on you.
The fact that he didn ’ t come with any
member of his family should have told you
instantly that something wasn ’ t right; that
he had a different agenda and something to
hide about his person . Even if the whole
family was against his association with you;
at least one or two of them would still have
come with him .
That you allowed him get away with it,
deceived your family the way he did, shows
that you too were very desperate to get
married hence didn’ t mind whatever means
he deployed to make your wish a reality .
If you weren ’ t so in need of a marriage , he
wouldn ’ t have been able to get through with
his plans to marry you in such a deceitful
manner . No matter the consequence to your
pride , you would have prevented him from
paying your bride price when you
discovered his game plan .
Even though you may not agree with this,
something inside of you must have raised
the alarm that this man is married and
avoiding his wife finding out about you.
There and then you should have demanded
for answers at least before going on. Also,
why didn ’ t you insist immediately after the
traditional wedding to see his family, even if
it was only his mother or father? Why didn ’ t
you find out about his family and go to
introduce yourself having paid your bride
price? What prevented you from going ?
What woman in your shoes sits comfortably
for her husband to take her to his family ?
Weren’ t you even curious enough to know
why no member of his family came with
him by going out yourself to fetch the
truth?
You didn ’ t go because something in your
guts told you about the presence of a wife
somewhere .
To be frank , you are not married in the eyes
of his family members or the law because
all the people that came with him to ask for
your hand in marriage were hired hands .
That arrangement cannot stand up in court
because a traditional marriage is usually
between the two families.
What he did with you is simply a charade
since his family can confidently say you are
a stranger to them or at best his mistress if
they want to be charitable to you; so don’ t
put too much hope on that.
Since you have finally summoned the
courage to face the truth you have been
trying to deny since he came with strangers
to pay your bride price, the ideal thing is for
you to pull out of whatever commitment you
have to each other and face life with your
child alone .
This is because this man didn’ t come with
an honest agenda . Everything he has told
you has turned out to be a lie. If he can
hire people to come with him to pay your
bride price, there is nothing stopping him
from hiring the same crowd to pay for
another woman ’ s bride price.
This is the junction you get to and take a
firm stand. It may not be what you want but
do what you have to do in the interest of
your child and you.
Despite the wrong starting ; insist on him
introducing your child to his family to
insure the child in that family . Find ways of
making him bring the child into his family ;
this is important for the psychological well -
being of the child in the future .
As for you, end whatever you both have
going for you. He has a wife ; don ’ t allow
him drag you into whatever problem they
maybe having . If he doesn ’ t want the other
woman he should be bold enough to end
the marriage and not make mess of your
life.
As you may have found out from his
deceitful marriage to you, marriage is
sacred and must not be toyed with .
Whatever his problem is , let him go and
sort it out with his wife because marriage is
a forever journey. He had no right to involve
you in whatever his problem is with his
wife . He made his choice and should have
the guts to stick to the consequences of
that choice rather than go outside his home
for solutions to his problems .
This is because there is no relationship
between a man and woman without
challenges . Like he has with his wife , a
time would come too when he would also
have issues with you. How would you feel if
he goes behind you to marry another
woman ? Put yourself in his wife ’ s shoes.
No matter what your excuses are , who
would believe you never knew about the
other woman ? Who would you tell you
didn’ t go out of your way to attract and
marry another woman ’ s husband? In the
minds of people , you will always be the
woman who stole another woman ’ s
husband even though that wasn ’ t your
intentions.
It is a different thing if you planned to marry
a married man but being dragged into his
mess is something you can still reject
despite the charade you call a marriage .
Even though he may have his reasons for
doing what he did, only cowards and
insincere men do what he did.
Therefore , if introducing his child to his
family is the last thing he does for his
child ; insist he goes to his family with the
child to avoid future rejection by his
paternal family especially, if the woman at
home is vicious and manipulative .
It is this innocent child whose future you
must do everything to protect .
Also, insist he sets you up so that you can
have the means to stand on your own and
look after the child you both have .
Obviously, he has taken on some
responsibilities for you and your child . Let
him continue to do this but make it clear
you are now free from whatever sexual
obligations you have towards him .
Overtime, you will be free to pursue a
relationship that is truthful to you and him.
Refund whatever money he paid on you as
bride price to be free from the so called
marriage . Although it maybe painful , but
this relationship is premised on lies hence
isn ’ t worth pursuing . This man belongs to
another woman , not you.
Jelwery cleaner...10 surprising household uses lemons
You turn to this citrus fruit to enhance your water
but did you know it can also help perk up limp
lettuce and kill weeds? We asked experts to weigh
on their go-to uses for this household must-have.
Read on for their tips.
Kill weeds. Forget chemical weed killers, which can
be just as bad for you as they are for the planet. “I
like to control weeds with my lemon and white
vinegar recipe, which is four parts lemon juice to
one part white vinegar,” says Billee Sharp, author
of "Lemons and Lavender: The Eco Guide to Better
Homekeeping."
Advertise
Preserve and refresh produce. “Lemons are a
perfect way to perk up produce,” Sharp says.
“Adding limp lettuce to a bowl of cold water with
lemon juice in the fridge for an hour will put bring
back the crispness. Make sure to rinse and dry it a
paper towel.” A little lemon juice also will help
keep apples, potatoes, pears and cauliflower from
browning and guacamole and pesto green.
Keep away cats. “If you have a precious rug or
couch, spray it with your trusty lemon and
lavender spray bottle to keep it pet-free,” Sharp
suggests. “It will not only freshen the room with
the nice smell but keep them away as well.” Bonus
tip: orange and eucalyptus essential oil work well,
too.
Easily clean cheese graters. “Cut the lemon in half
and then run it over the grater,” advises cleaning
coach Leslie Reichert, author of The Joy of Green
Cleaning. “The acid in the lemon will help break
down the fat in the cheese. If the food is really
stuck on the grater you can dip the lemon in table
salt and the salt will act as a scrubber; combined
with the lemon it will remove most foods.”
Sanitize metal jewelry. The acid in lemon juice also
works to remove tarnish. “I'd recommend using
just a tablespoon of lemon juice concentrate to 1
1/2 cups water,” Reichert says. “You can also dip
your silver into lemon soda and it will come out
sparkling. But don’t use this combo on gold or
pearls.”
Preserve meat and clean your cutting board.
Lemon juice creates an acidic environment and
bacteria need an alkaline environment to survive,
so adding lemon to meat, produce and even water
inhibits bacterial growth. “A handy antibacterial
and natural way to clean your cutting board after
cooking meat is to rub lemon juice on it and let sit
overnight; rinse in the morning,” Sharp says. “The
lemon juice will kill bacteria and leave your cutting
board smelling fresh.”
Naturally restore furniture. “Mix mayonnaise, olive
oil, and lemon juice together,” Reichert suggests.
“When worked into wood furniture, this mixture will
add oil to the wood and the lemon juice will work
to cut through any polish build up on the
furniture.”
Prevent sticky rice. Add a teaspoon of lemon juice
to the pot while the water's boiling to keep grains
from sticking together. “Lemon does prevent sticky
rice, as do other citrus fruit lines, which help
separate grains of rice and enhance the whiteness
of the rice itself,” Sharp says.
Get rid of grease. “Copper pots are cleaned quickly
with a half of a lemon dipped into salt. Rub over a
tarnished copper bottom pot and you'll see magic,”
Reichert says. “The same combo works great for
removing grease off a cooktop and stainless steel
pots and pans, too. If you have a real buildup of
grease, use the lemon juice or half lemon with sea
salt.”
Make potpourri. “I love lemons and lavender as
potpourri,” Sharp says. “Take lemon rind or thin
lemon and orange, lay them individually on a big
sheet pan, and let them dry.” Add dried rose
petals, lavender, rosemary, or mint for a wonderful,
fresh scent.
but did you know it can also help perk up limp
lettuce and kill weeds? We asked experts to weigh
on their go-to uses for this household must-have.
Read on for their tips.
Kill weeds. Forget chemical weed killers, which can
be just as bad for you as they are for the planet. “I
like to control weeds with my lemon and white
vinegar recipe, which is four parts lemon juice to
one part white vinegar,” says Billee Sharp, author
of "Lemons and Lavender: The Eco Guide to Better
Homekeeping."
Advertise
Preserve and refresh produce. “Lemons are a
perfect way to perk up produce,” Sharp says.
“Adding limp lettuce to a bowl of cold water with
lemon juice in the fridge for an hour will put bring
back the crispness. Make sure to rinse and dry it a
paper towel.” A little lemon juice also will help
keep apples, potatoes, pears and cauliflower from
browning and guacamole and pesto green.
Keep away cats. “If you have a precious rug or
couch, spray it with your trusty lemon and
lavender spray bottle to keep it pet-free,” Sharp
suggests. “It will not only freshen the room with
the nice smell but keep them away as well.” Bonus
tip: orange and eucalyptus essential oil work well,
too.
Easily clean cheese graters. “Cut the lemon in half
and then run it over the grater,” advises cleaning
coach Leslie Reichert, author of The Joy of Green
Cleaning. “The acid in the lemon will help break
down the fat in the cheese. If the food is really
stuck on the grater you can dip the lemon in table
salt and the salt will act as a scrubber; combined
with the lemon it will remove most foods.”
Sanitize metal jewelry. The acid in lemon juice also
works to remove tarnish. “I'd recommend using
just a tablespoon of lemon juice concentrate to 1
1/2 cups water,” Reichert says. “You can also dip
your silver into lemon soda and it will come out
sparkling. But don’t use this combo on gold or
pearls.”
Preserve meat and clean your cutting board.
Lemon juice creates an acidic environment and
bacteria need an alkaline environment to survive,
so adding lemon to meat, produce and even water
inhibits bacterial growth. “A handy antibacterial
and natural way to clean your cutting board after
cooking meat is to rub lemon juice on it and let sit
overnight; rinse in the morning,” Sharp says. “The
lemon juice will kill bacteria and leave your cutting
board smelling fresh.”
Naturally restore furniture. “Mix mayonnaise, olive
oil, and lemon juice together,” Reichert suggests.
“When worked into wood furniture, this mixture will
add oil to the wood and the lemon juice will work
to cut through any polish build up on the
furniture.”
Prevent sticky rice. Add a teaspoon of lemon juice
to the pot while the water's boiling to keep grains
from sticking together. “Lemon does prevent sticky
rice, as do other citrus fruit lines, which help
separate grains of rice and enhance the whiteness
of the rice itself,” Sharp says.
Get rid of grease. “Copper pots are cleaned quickly
with a half of a lemon dipped into salt. Rub over a
tarnished copper bottom pot and you'll see magic,”
Reichert says. “The same combo works great for
removing grease off a cooktop and stainless steel
pots and pans, too. If you have a real buildup of
grease, use the lemon juice or half lemon with sea
salt.”
Make potpourri. “I love lemons and lavender as
potpourri,” Sharp says. “Take lemon rind or thin
lemon and orange, lay them individually on a big
sheet pan, and let them dry.” Add dried rose
petals, lavender, rosemary, or mint for a wonderful,
fresh scent.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
The bite was not delibrate....Suarez
Luis Suárez bite defence: I
lost balance and hit my teeth
against Chiellini
Uruguay striker claims biting Italian
player was an accident
Fifa gives reasons for unprecedented
ban
Luis Suárez has claimed he did not
intentionally bite Giorgio Chiellini but simply lost
balance and fell into him. Photograph: Daniel
Garcia/AFP/Getty Images
Tags: Luis Suárez , Uruguay, World Cup 2014 ,
World Cup , Fifa
Owen Gibson in Rio de Janeiro
Saturday 28 June 2014 09.37 EDT
Luis Suárez, the Uruguay striker banned
for four months for biting Giorgio
Chiellini, claimed in his defence to Fifa
that the shocking act was not deliberate
and he simply lost his balance and fell on
to the Italian player with his teeth.
In a defence that makes the “dog ate my
homework” excuse look plausible, Suárez
wrote to Fifa’s disciplinary panel saying
the incident was an accident. “In no way
it happened how you have described, as
a bite or intent to bite,” the forward
wrote in Spanish, in a letter dated 25
June and revealed on Saturday.
“After the impact … I lost my balance,
making my body unstable and falling on
top of my opponent,” he said in his
submission to the panel, which met on
Wednesday, a day after Uruguay had
beaten Italy 1-0 in a decisive group-stage
match. “At that moment I hit my face
against the player, leaving a small bruise
on my cheek and a strong pain in my
teeth,” the Liverpool striker said.
The player could be seen holding his
teeth following the incident with Chiellini
but the seven-strong panel dismissed
Suárez’s argument after studying the
incident from 34 camera angles. The bite
was “deliberate, intentional and without
provocation”, the ruling read. “He bit the
player with the intention of wounding
him or at least of destabilising him.”
Suárez was banned for nine Uruguay
matches and four months from all
football , including domestic Premier
League games for Liverpool. He was also
fined £66,000. The Uruguayan Football
Association said on Thursday it would
appeal against the ruling and have a
further seven days to prepare the
paperwork.
Fifa’s ruling confirmed the referee,
Marco Rodríguez of Mexico,
acknowledged in his match report that
he missed Suárez’s bite. So did his two
assistants and the fourth official. “I
haven’t seen the incident because the
ball was in another sector of the pitch,”
Rodríguez admitted in the 11-page
document.
The ban was more severe because it was
not the first time the player had been
involved in a biting incident. Suárez has
received bans for biting opponents while
playing for Ajax and Liverpool .
Another reason for the unprecedented
punishment was the Uruguayan showed
no repentance for the incident and
previous bans had not changed his
behaviour. “At no time did the player
show any kind of remorse or admit to
any violation of Fifa rules and therefore
showed no awareness of having
committed any infraction,” the Fifa
document read. The document showed a
proposal for a six-game ban was
considered but rejected as insufficient.
“The minimum punishment was not
sufficient to have the necessary
dissuasive effect. Previous bans did not
have an effect.”
Suárez, who is back in Uruguay, where
he met the country’s president and
waved to fans from his balcony, has
received plenty of backing from within
Latin America and tweeted on Saturday
to acknowledge the support: “Hi all, I
write this post to give thanks to the
outpouring of support and love I am
receiving. Both myself and my family
really appreciate it. Thank you very
much for being by my side and I want to
support all my colleagues selected for the
match against Colombia.”
— Luis Suarez (@luis16suarez)
June 28, 2014
Hola a todos, escribo este mensaje para dar
las gracias a todas las muestras de apoyo y
cariño que estoy (cont) http://
t.co/2uo0LXaqs2
My actions drove my husband into another woman's hands...
My marriage is nine
years old. I have been very lucky with my
career. While a lot of my colleagues in the
banks had their careers terminated ; mine
kept flourishing so much so I am now a
branch manager in out of the A -list banks .
The money I make is enough to feed my
family and keep the children in one of the
best schools in town . Though my husband
works , but his salary as a top civil servant
is nothing to write home about . Therefore , I
have to provide most of the things at home .
Also the demands of my job give me very
little time with my family ; a fact my
husband understands . There is no way I
can be a manager and still have time to
prepare my children for school , cook and
clean the house . Since his job isn ’ t as
demanding as mine, we agreed he should
assist with ensuring the children are ready
by the time the school bus comes for them.
It isn ’ t as if he baths them ; there are two
house - helps in the house I pay to cover up
my lapses.
Although I go to work on Saturdays , I try to
come home early when I don ’ t have a
social function .
For a long time my husband kept
complaining about my unavailability at
home and in his life as my husband.
No matter how hard I tried to explain to him
that my job left me exhausted and unable to
make love when he desired it ; he would
always complain.
At a time, I stopped trying to make him
understand and actually packed to our
guest room to give me peace at home.
To be honest , I can ’ t remember when he
stopped complaining about my job or not
having enough of my company. Also the
fact that I have been busy trying to keep
my job in the face of threats presented by
the ailing economy and competition
presented by the retrenchment of very good
hands in other banks , I lost account of the
last time we made love .
Honestly Agatha , I love my husband and
prayed ours would be a happy home . But I
have evidence that my husband has another
woman who recently gave him a set of
twins. She is also a civil servant. I went
there to confirm and found it to be true .
What pains me the most is the role of my
mother- in-law in the development. She was
there at the naming ceremony of the babies,
despite everything I do for her .
When my husband learnt I went to see the
other woman ; he warned me never to
attempt it again . He actually threatened to
end our marriage if I ever do that again .
Now he hardly comes home or talks to me .
I love him and want my husband back
home. I ’ m trying to change ; come home
early and stay at home on weekends but he
is never around . What do I do? Or do I just
divorce him since he now has another
woman in his life ?
Ireti.
Dear Ireti ,
In his shoes , what would you have done ?
Continue to endure the deprivation , neglect
and humiliation of your spouse ?
What kind of money and career were you
looking for that made you so neglectful of
your home ? Are those house - helps you
employed for your home his wife or mother
of his children? Were you also expecting
them to share his bed, tender to all his
emotional needs in addition to the jobs you
specified for them ? How come you now
have the time to stay at home when you
never did; when your job appeared to be the
only thing that drove your passion as a
woman ?
Now that you have realized his usefulness
to your life ; you want him back ? As what ? A
hen-pecked husband? The kind you bring
out of the cupboard at your convenience ?
What manner of love does this to a man ?
It doesn ’ t work like that . Life gives you back
what you invest into it . There is no amount
of money that will ever be enough to buy
happiness and peace of mind .
You were too busy to notice your
importance in your home ; the advantage of
being married and having your man to
yourself . The excuse that you were busy
building your career doesn ’ t work because
women before you who occupied that
position, you prided above your home;
managed to balance their acts .
Being a career woman doesn ’ t mean a
woman must have a broken home or
unable to subject herself to the
governorship of her husband.
The reason God gave women the special gift
of being able to multi task is in realization
of our importance to our homes .
Unless you want to completely lose your
husband to this other woman ; you have to
stop nagging and create time for everything
that makes your man happy . You also have
to make up your mind about those things
that are of importance to you now that you
have another woman to deal with in his life .
If you think it is going to be easy to get him
back, you are wrong because in your nine
years as his wife , you have given him no
pleasant reason or memory to want to make
him remain with you. So , it is going to take
a huge miracle to make him come back to
you fully .
Your mistake was making it appear that ,
because of the money you were making
from your job; you were only enduring the
marriage . In addition you also made it clear
to him that you went below your level by
marrying a poor civil servant. No matter the
position of a man; he remains the head of
his home ; to treat him otherwise is to
cause a dislocation in the home .
The impudence with which you conducted
yourself throughout this marriage has
become your albatross now that you want
him back. What were you expecting him to
do when you left him in the cold ? If you
cannot even remember the last time you
and your husband made love all because of
your so called career, then it tells of the
kind of wife you have been to him.
What woman packs from the master
bedroom into the guestroom and also
makes it difficult for her husband to gain
access to her body? A woman may earn all
the money in the world but she will never
be the man ; the reason he can get away
with having children outside his home and
you, struggling to awake the embers of a
fire you thoughtlessly poured water into.
You are lucky he had the discipline not to
have slept and impregnated your house -
helps . Another man with less discipline
would have and dared you to make noise
about it.
If you want him back, you have to first ask
yourself what is important to you as a
woman and mother. If he agrees to come
back, what are you willing to offer him? Are
you prepared to give up your career for him
and the children? Also you have to factor
the presence of the other woman and her
children into all these . If the other woman
has the support of the mother , she has
come to stay ; a situation you unfortunately
helped to create .
This isn ’ t just about you and your husband
anymore ; your efforts must incorporate the
other woman who whether you like it or not
has become your mate . Do you have that
special grace to share your husband with
another woman ? This isn ’ t time for
idealistic solutions; you have to be very
realistic about this.
If you don’ t have the stomach to share him
at all , be honest with yourself so you don’ t
complicate things for your children in the
long run because they are the ones that
would forever remain in the family .
Besides , it isn ’ t always wise for a woman to
be the one to end the marriage , because it
is one decision she will forever carry the
blame .
Since your husband hasn ’ t said anything
about ending the marriage , I suggest , you
continue to make the efforts of making the
marriage work ; at least if not for yourself
but , for your children who will not be able
to enjoy the presence of their father as they
used to .
By now, it should be clear to you that they
remain your most priceless gifts .
Go around his family members , including
his mother and friends to bring both of you
to the discussion table . Cry , apologise and
beg him for everything you have done
wrong. It may not give you instant result
but if you persist and patient, things will
work out between the two of you
eventually. No matter what your options
are, it is important you both talk about the
future of your marriage .
Also, resist the urge to go to the other
woman ’ s domain again . She had nothing to
do with the situation that drove your
husband out of your arms and home . You
did that all by yourself so don ’ t complicate
things by looking for a scapegoat.
Finally, go on your knees for a humble
spirit . Your pride went before your fall.
Good luck.
years old. I have been very lucky with my
career. While a lot of my colleagues in the
banks had their careers terminated ; mine
kept flourishing so much so I am now a
branch manager in out of the A -list banks .
The money I make is enough to feed my
family and keep the children in one of the
best schools in town . Though my husband
works , but his salary as a top civil servant
is nothing to write home about . Therefore , I
have to provide most of the things at home .
Also the demands of my job give me very
little time with my family ; a fact my
husband understands . There is no way I
can be a manager and still have time to
prepare my children for school , cook and
clean the house . Since his job isn ’ t as
demanding as mine, we agreed he should
assist with ensuring the children are ready
by the time the school bus comes for them.
It isn ’ t as if he baths them ; there are two
house - helps in the house I pay to cover up
my lapses.
Although I go to work on Saturdays , I try to
come home early when I don ’ t have a
social function .
For a long time my husband kept
complaining about my unavailability at
home and in his life as my husband.
No matter how hard I tried to explain to him
that my job left me exhausted and unable to
make love when he desired it ; he would
always complain.
At a time, I stopped trying to make him
understand and actually packed to our
guest room to give me peace at home.
To be honest , I can ’ t remember when he
stopped complaining about my job or not
having enough of my company. Also the
fact that I have been busy trying to keep
my job in the face of threats presented by
the ailing economy and competition
presented by the retrenchment of very good
hands in other banks , I lost account of the
last time we made love .
Honestly Agatha , I love my husband and
prayed ours would be a happy home . But I
have evidence that my husband has another
woman who recently gave him a set of
twins. She is also a civil servant. I went
there to confirm and found it to be true .
What pains me the most is the role of my
mother- in-law in the development. She was
there at the naming ceremony of the babies,
despite everything I do for her .
When my husband learnt I went to see the
other woman ; he warned me never to
attempt it again . He actually threatened to
end our marriage if I ever do that again .
Now he hardly comes home or talks to me .
I love him and want my husband back
home. I ’ m trying to change ; come home
early and stay at home on weekends but he
is never around . What do I do? Or do I just
divorce him since he now has another
woman in his life ?
Ireti.
Dear Ireti ,
In his shoes , what would you have done ?
Continue to endure the deprivation , neglect
and humiliation of your spouse ?
What kind of money and career were you
looking for that made you so neglectful of
your home ? Are those house - helps you
employed for your home his wife or mother
of his children? Were you also expecting
them to share his bed, tender to all his
emotional needs in addition to the jobs you
specified for them ? How come you now
have the time to stay at home when you
never did; when your job appeared to be the
only thing that drove your passion as a
woman ?
Now that you have realized his usefulness
to your life ; you want him back ? As what ? A
hen-pecked husband? The kind you bring
out of the cupboard at your convenience ?
What manner of love does this to a man ?
It doesn ’ t work like that . Life gives you back
what you invest into it . There is no amount
of money that will ever be enough to buy
happiness and peace of mind .
You were too busy to notice your
importance in your home ; the advantage of
being married and having your man to
yourself . The excuse that you were busy
building your career doesn ’ t work because
women before you who occupied that
position, you prided above your home;
managed to balance their acts .
Being a career woman doesn ’ t mean a
woman must have a broken home or
unable to subject herself to the
governorship of her husband.
The reason God gave women the special gift
of being able to multi task is in realization
of our importance to our homes .
Unless you want to completely lose your
husband to this other woman ; you have to
stop nagging and create time for everything
that makes your man happy . You also have
to make up your mind about those things
that are of importance to you now that you
have another woman to deal with in his life .
If you think it is going to be easy to get him
back, you are wrong because in your nine
years as his wife , you have given him no
pleasant reason or memory to want to make
him remain with you. So , it is going to take
a huge miracle to make him come back to
you fully .
Your mistake was making it appear that ,
because of the money you were making
from your job; you were only enduring the
marriage . In addition you also made it clear
to him that you went below your level by
marrying a poor civil servant. No matter the
position of a man; he remains the head of
his home ; to treat him otherwise is to
cause a dislocation in the home .
The impudence with which you conducted
yourself throughout this marriage has
become your albatross now that you want
him back. What were you expecting him to
do when you left him in the cold ? If you
cannot even remember the last time you
and your husband made love all because of
your so called career, then it tells of the
kind of wife you have been to him.
What woman packs from the master
bedroom into the guestroom and also
makes it difficult for her husband to gain
access to her body? A woman may earn all
the money in the world but she will never
be the man ; the reason he can get away
with having children outside his home and
you, struggling to awake the embers of a
fire you thoughtlessly poured water into.
You are lucky he had the discipline not to
have slept and impregnated your house -
helps . Another man with less discipline
would have and dared you to make noise
about it.
If you want him back, you have to first ask
yourself what is important to you as a
woman and mother. If he agrees to come
back, what are you willing to offer him? Are
you prepared to give up your career for him
and the children? Also you have to factor
the presence of the other woman and her
children into all these . If the other woman
has the support of the mother , she has
come to stay ; a situation you unfortunately
helped to create .
This isn ’ t just about you and your husband
anymore ; your efforts must incorporate the
other woman who whether you like it or not
has become your mate . Do you have that
special grace to share your husband with
another woman ? This isn ’ t time for
idealistic solutions; you have to be very
realistic about this.
If you don’ t have the stomach to share him
at all , be honest with yourself so you don’ t
complicate things for your children in the
long run because they are the ones that
would forever remain in the family .
Besides , it isn ’ t always wise for a woman to
be the one to end the marriage , because it
is one decision she will forever carry the
blame .
Since your husband hasn ’ t said anything
about ending the marriage , I suggest , you
continue to make the efforts of making the
marriage work ; at least if not for yourself
but , for your children who will not be able
to enjoy the presence of their father as they
used to .
By now, it should be clear to you that they
remain your most priceless gifts .
Go around his family members , including
his mother and friends to bring both of you
to the discussion table . Cry , apologise and
beg him for everything you have done
wrong. It may not give you instant result
but if you persist and patient, things will
work out between the two of you
eventually. No matter what your options
are, it is important you both talk about the
future of your marriage .
Also, resist the urge to go to the other
woman ’ s domain again . She had nothing to
do with the situation that drove your
husband out of your arms and home . You
did that all by yourself so don ’ t complicate
things by looking for a scapegoat.
Finally, go on your knees for a humble
spirit . Your pride went before your fall.
Good luck.
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